Page 31 of The Hand That Holds Me
The most precious and special moments of my life were you. When I found out I was going to be a mom, I was scared not to have my parents there to guide me in raising you. When I knew I wasn’t going to be there to see you grow up, I was angry at God for leaving you alone. Only he gave me Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe. I know they will give you a wonderful life. Love them with all your heart.
I want you to know you are the most important thing I did in my entire life and I love you with everything that I have in my soul. I miss you and I will see you one day. Have faith Maddie and be brave always.
I Love You Butterfly,
Mom
I was crying so hard I struggled to catch my breath. I clutched the letter to my chest and was lost in grief.
Grief for a mom who died too soon.
Grief for a father I have hated my entire life.
Grief for a family never realized.
Aunt Lisa and Caroline engulfed me in hugs and held me until I was able to gather my emotions.
“Why now? Why is this the first time I’ve seen this Aunt Lisa?”
“Your mom made me promise to give you this when you finally asked about Jason. I tried for years to get you to talk or just listen but you weren’t interested and I promised her I wouldn’t push you into talking. I knew it was time after the call the other day. I brought a few more things. Would you like to see them?” she asked me with a little bit of hesitation.
“Yes, please.”
Caroline brought a box of tissue in when she came in earlier and I took a few and wiped my face. I needed to get through this so I could be brave like mom wanted. I knew I was a mess and I’m so grateful Aunt Lisa and Caroline were right here to pick me up when I needed them.
She handed me a small shoe box and I gently opened it. I swear I could smell her perfume when I opened the box. She always smelled like fresh flowers and sunshine. I began going through the items, sorting them into two piles. One had two journals and the other had a handful of letters.
“Where do I start?” I looked at my aunt for some kind of guidance.
“Would you like me to read a few of the letters to you? Maybe it will help to hear it instead of having to read it. Please know I have looked through everything so I know what they say. I just want to make this easier on you.”
I nodded and she reached over and pulled a letter out of an old envelope when she began to read aloud.
Sara,
I got the pictures you sent to me. She is growing up so quickly. I can’t believe she is already walking. I pray that we are close to ending this nefarious business and I can come home to you both. I love you both with my entire being.
Again, I beg your forgiveness for leaving the way I did. All I wanted to do was protect you and our daughter from the filth my father had gotten us into. I left you in the world alone to raise our precious daughter. I will do whatever I have to do to keep you safe, even if it means fooling the world into thinking you mean nothing.
You mean EVERYTHING TO ME. Never forget that!
I long for the day I can hold you both in my arms and show you how much I love you. My soul has always been yours. I gladly handed it and my heart over to you the moment you smiled at me across the bookstore. You were made for me and I was made for you.
Keep our precious Maddie close and hopefully, one day soon, you can tell her all about me.
My heart beats for you. I am nothing without you.
I will write again soon.
All my love,
Jason
P.S. I have deposited more money into you account. If it is not enough, make contact through the regular channels and I will handle it.
“He..he wanted me? All along he wanted me and I never knew. What happen Aunt Lisa? What was so bad that he sent us away and left my mother to die alone?”
She took my hand, “I don’t know all the details because your mom wanted to protect all of us when she died. When she came back from New York when you were a couple of months old, she was rattled to her core. She didn’t want to talk about it but after a few days, we were able to get her to open up some. She went to Jason’s house and he came to the door with a woman draped all over him. She tried to run but he confronted her. He told her she was nobody to him and she needed to leave. He acted like the over two years they had together was time wasted. She left and was on her way back to the hotel to get her things when she was stopped by a couple of rough looking guys. Big, brash and threatening. Her words not mine. They asked her who she was and how she knew the Merrick’s. Something about them seemed off and she told them she was an old friend Jason’s from college. Thought she would look him up while she was in the city. She tried real hard to convince them she barely knew Jason. And they must have believed her because they only thing they said before they walked away was‘any friend of the Merrick’s might not be above ground for too long. You sure are pretty and it would be a shame to have to make you a part of it.’”
