Page 30 of The Hand That Holds Me
“It will be nice to see everyone today. Its been a while since we were able to get together so seeing the game today will be nice.”
“Who all is coming?” Caroline asked, without raising her head.
I knew what she was asking without actually asking.
Was Andrew’s father coming? Had anyone heard from them? Where was he?
The look on his face said it all. He reached over and gently grabbed her hand, which caused her to finally look at him, her eyes full of tears. “No sweetheart, there hasn’t been any word from them since they moved.”
She shook her head and wiped the corner of her eyes. She knew more than she was saying but none of us called her out on it. She would tell us when she was ready and we would be here to help her deal with whatever the fallout was. That’s what family does. They protect and support you.
Aunt Lisa directed the topic away from Caroline broken heart and shifted the spotlight onto me. I was used to this. They would deflect from one to the other without every pressuring us to speak, knowing eventually we would crack and tell them everything.
“Tell us all about the new job. Do you like what you are working on? How is your anxiety with the commute? I swear I don’t know how you girls live in all this traffic. You have to leave yesterday to get somewhere tomorrow around this city.”
“The commute is fine. I take the train into work and Lucas brings me home each afternoon. The next few weeks I have to drive to different facilities around the city to see where we can bring the seniors and youth together without disrupting too many schedules. As it sits right now, we don’t have any facilitators so I’m dealing with all the logistics. Its difficult but I think it will be fulfilling and beneficial to everyone involved.”
“Lucas, huh? How long have you been seeing him?” My uncle grumbled.
It caught me off guard because he rarely asks questions about who we are dating. He trusted our judgement. Besides, Aunt Lisa would ask enough questions for both of them.
“We have been dating, for lack of a better term, for about a month now. Why? What’s wrong with Lucas?” I asked with a hint of worry on my voice. If they don’t like Lucas, how can I be sure he really is as great as I think he is?
“Nothing. Nothing is wrong with Lucas.” He gave my aunt a look that was hard to make out as he stood up and began to give us all hugs. “I’m headed out for the game. It’s a double-header so I’ll be home around dark. You girls have fun today.”
He was out the door and we were left alone in an awkward silence that cut through the room like a dense fog.
“Am I missing something, mom? What was wrong with dad and what does it have to do with Lucas? You guys haven’t even met him yet and he is a really great guy. He told me last night he had fallen for Maddie. You should have seen the look in his eyes, mom. It’s the same way dad looks at you.” Caroline felt the need to defend me.
“He is just worried about you dating someone you work with, I would imagine. You know he is a little more old fashion that most people when it comes to stuff like that.” She waved the whole uncomfortable situation off with a flick of her wrist.
I had a hard time fully believing it was what she reasoned but I learned a long time ago to trust my aunt and uncle. They’ve never lied to me so I knew she was, at the least, omitting information and not altering it. I could let it go for now because there were more important issues we need to discuss.
“You guys want to top off our coffees and move into the living room?”
“I’ll do it. Mom, why don’t ya’ll get comfortable and I’ll be right there.” Caroline told us and began to clear the breakfast plates.
I sat down on the overstuff chair we positioned near the sliding glass door and Aunt Lisa took her position on the couch across the ottoman from me. We both enjoyed our coffee and small talk about the apartment, waiting on Caroline to join us.
She sat down on the couch with her mom and I decided to rip the band-aid off my anxiety.
“Do you know why Jason left my mom and I?” I asked in a rush, hoping I didn’t choke on the words I just spoke. I never thought I would want to know about him and now I want to know everything.
“Sara spoke with me and Joe at length about Jason but I want you to read a few things first before I tell you what I remember. I went through your mom’s boxes, looking for her journals. She always wrote down her thoughts and feelings, things that were happening in her life. You know, the typical things ladies journal about. I think I may have found a few items to give you a better idea of what happen and what was going through her head. Would you like to read them?”
“Please.” I felt my eyes getting hot and I knew I was going to cry when I read whatever it was she was about to give me. These were my moms’ thoughts, her feelings, her words written by her hand.
I looked down at the envelope she handed me and I immediately recognized my mom’s handwriting on the outside, my name in cursive on the front. I gently opened the envelope and began to read the letter.
My Dearest Maddie,
I am so proud that God let me your momma. Out of all the people in the world, he chose me to experience your loving and giving soul. I am so sorry that I wasn’t there to watch you grow up and turn into the beautiful woman I know you are. I will watch over you and guide you as I can.
Don’t be scared to live, Maddie. Get up and watch the sun rise and look at how small all the problems that are bothering you really are. Take the time to experience every new adventure you can and love with your entire heart. Never let a day pass that you don’t tell the ones you love how much they mean to you. No one is promised tomorrow.
Life is short. I hate that you learned this cruel lesson so young. I am also sorry I never had the time to explain you father to you. He is a complicated man but never doubt his love for us. Don’t hate him baby girl. There are things that happened that you couldn’t have understood at such a young age. Jason loves you very much. Your memories of him may not be pleasant, and for that I ask for your forgiveness.
It was wrong of me to expose you to him the way I did. He deserves, one day, to be able to explain his reasons for leaving. Please take the time to really listen. That stubborn streak you have comes from him and you have dug your heels in since the day you were born. Give him the chance to make things right with you.
