Page 29 of The Hand That Holds Me
Meeting Caroline was exactly what I expected. The few people that Maddie allowed into her life were fiercely protective of her. I hoped that Maddie would be able to get some of the answers she needs to be able to forgive Jason from her visit with her aunt tomorrow.
I pressed the call button and had the system dial Jason. I wanted to give him an update on the literacy program we had been working on all week and let him know about Lisa’s visit.
“Lucas, I trust you have had a good week.” The familiar sound of his voice was coming through the speakers of my car.
“This week has been productive. We made significant progress on the literacy program and have meetings set up for the week after next to sign contracts and set schedules for the upcoming Summer launch. She decided to start smaller than we originally wanted but after looking over her ideas, I agree. Smaller is better and gives her the chance to look for problem areas before it is expanded and large problems or a PR nightmare happens. It was a smart move.”
“Have you been spending a lot of time with her?” an aggravated tone in his voice.
“We eat lunch together every day and I spent the afternoon with her today. What’s with the tone, Jason? You knew it would take me time to lay the groundwork for you to be introduced to her. She is angry and hurt over the past. She thinks things happened one way and hopefully Lisa can untangle her thoughts and help her to understand a little bit more of the truth. Only then, can you meet her and tell her the truth. The entire truth.”
“I understand. Really, I do. I just need the chance to make this right with her. She was and is loved by me. Sara as well. When I got word she died, a part of me died with her. I need that connection to my child, Lucas.”
“I’m doing everything in my power to make that happen. Let me call you next week after her visit and see how she is doing. This weekend may be harder on her than she anticipates.”
“I’m leaving for London tomorrow. I’ll be back next Sunday so you will need to email me if there is anything I need to handle.”
“Sounds good. Safe travels.” I disconnected the phone call and pulled up the playlist she shared on my phone yesterday.
I loved having her favorite songs surrounding me as I made the lonely drive home. It was like she was sharing a piece of inner thoughts through her selection of songs. You can tell which songs make her happy and which ones she may have played when she was feeling a little down in the dumps. She had told me thatwhere words fail, music speaks.
My thoughts drifted to this afternoon when she saw my tattoos. The feeling of her hands drifting over my ink was enough to send my heart into a rapid beat and my semi to grow in my pants. When her soft and full lips kissed my chest, I knew I was completely head over heels for her.
I didn’t mean for our nap to turn into a make out session on her couch but the vision of her coming undone under me was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
I have shared my bed with my fair share of women through the years but somehow, I can’t seem to recall what any of them looked like. My mind went blank when I met Maddie. All others were erased from thought.
I liked that it had been months since she had been with anyone else. The thought of anyone touching her, making love to her, made me see red. I know she isn’t a virgin and while I hate that I wasn’t her first, I was determined to be her last.
When I arrived at my empty house, I contemplated what life would be like if she lived here as my wife and the mother of my children. I made my way to my bedroom and crawled into my king-sized bed. Sleep overtook me with thoughts of us, growing old together. I dreamed a future I never knew I wanted and prayed I could make a reality.
Iwoke up the next morning with a nervousness deep inside of me I’ve never experienced before. Last night after Lucas left, I realized I needed to deal with my past so I can open myself up to a future with him.
What happened all those years ago to make Jason leave us? Did he have second thoughts about being a father?
Did he prefer his bachelor lifestyle over dirty diapers and a crying baby?
I hoped Aunt Lisa can help me understand why mom and I were cast out of his life without a second glance.
I reached over and grabbed the picture of my mom and I that I kept by my bedside since I was a little girl. We had gone to an amusement park and both of us had on oversized sunglasses too big for our faces, each of us holding a stuffed animal, and smiling the biggest smiles we could make.
I remember that day like it was yesterday. We stopped and visited the park on our way to see Jason. Mom wanted our trip to be an adventure so we stopped on a whim and spent the day riding the kiddie rides and enjoying all the greasy goodness they sold at amusement parks.
The next day, she drove me to see where my grandparents were buried. Mom explained to me that people die and it is the responsibility of the living to remember them and the lessons and love that we were given. She told me about what it was like to grow up in the North Georgia mountains when she was a little girl and how she moved in with her grandparents when her dad got sick. She told me of living with her mom and grandparents until one by one, they all left her alone.
She wove a tale of love and adventure with Jason and how much they were looking forward to being my parents. I knew I had a father but up until that point in my life, he was more of a distant person we spoke of but never saw. He was the ghost that haunted our house.
My mother never gave up her love for him and reminded me if I found love to never give up on it either. “You fight for love, Maddie. Always follow your heart and you’ll be fine.” Her words haunted me but gave me hope that she was still around. Guiding me on my path to forever.
“I love you, momma. I hope I make you proud of me.” I spoke to the picture as I stroked my finger over her beautiful face.
The doorbell and Caroline’s animated voice let me know my aunt and uncle were here. I made quick work of getting myself pulled together and headed in to the kitchen to the sound of laughter.
The sounds reminded me of growing up and all the laughter we shared. I walked up and gave my uncle a bear hug, feeling safe in his arms. He is the closest man in my life, besides Lucas, and I love him for loving me.
“Are you excited about seeing your Army buddies today?” I asked him as I poured myself a cup of coffee and sat down next to Aunt Lisa at the table. Caroline had gone and picked up bagels for everyone so we were able to tuck into breakfast.
I looked up and couldn’t help but smile at my family, all sitting around eating breakfast, just like did when we were growing up. The familiarity of it all was comforting.
