Page 24 of The Hand That Holds Me
“Lucas kissed me today.” I blurted, my face suddenly hot. I still felt where his beard rubbed my face when he dominated our kiss on the couch. I’m glad he had some self-control because I was ready to ride him like a cowgirl. I think that would have ruined whatever it was we had going on.
“Was he not a good kisser? Bad breath or too much tongue? Tell me what we are working with so I can help figure out a way to fix it. This is the first guy you’ve actually liked and I’m not going to let you destroy it before it has even started.” She was suddenly very stern.
“He was a fantastic kisser. Probably the best I have ever had. It was amazing, Caroline. His kiss silenced my brain. He led me where he wanted me and for the first time, I felt right inside. Like he means something more to me than the rest. Does that make sense? I don’t feel like I can explain it right to make you understand.”
“You love him.” She beamed at me.
“I can’t love him. I met him less than a month ago. I wanted to have sex with him tonight but he stopped us. He said I wasn’t ready and he would wait until I am.”
“You fell in love with someone you just met and it scares the shit out of you. You have to trust your heart on this one. If your heart is saying he is a good guy, then he must be. You are the best judge of character I know. Follow your heart and it won’t lead you astray.”
“I hope you’re right because there is something else that happened with him tonight.” I said, finishing my glass of wine and pouring myself another glass. It had been at least three hours since he dropped me off so a second glass at home shouldn’t give me a hangover in the morning.
Caroline must have recognized the distress on my face because she engulfed me in a hug, giving me the strength she somehow knew I needed. She pulled back and said something that will stick with me forever. “So, are you ready to talk about Jason?”
“How…how did you know it was about him?”
“That look on your face. It was the same one you had when you and your mom first arrived at the house. You looked like someone told you Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny weren’t real, but you had to keep the secret to protect other kids. You were always more mature than your age. While I was happy playing with dolls, you were worried about things like bills and stuff. Jason hurt you and you have never gotten over it.”
“I’ve just never been able to understand how he could hurt my mom like he did. I get that he never wanted me and was happy to be rid of a screaming kid, but how could he tell her so many lies and abandon her?”
“He abandoned both of you, Maddie. You always act like it is no big deal, but that’s how I know when you’re upset over him. He’s the only one that puts that lost, vulnerable look on your face. There is nothing wrong with you, and I have tried for years to get that through your think skull. I’m glad you are giving Lucas a chance. He seems perfect for you.”
“He is perfect and so damn sexy. If his kisses are any indication of what is to come, pun intended, then I’m damn excited for the future.” I laughed it off, trying to get the topic of such serious matters. “Besides, we work together so I don’t want to jeopardize my new position by jumping into something prematurely. Taking the time to get to know him better before we have sex just seems right.”
“That’s how you know he is right for you. You are willing to wait but want to keep spending time with him. Now, enough about how awesome he is. Why were you talking about Jason tonight? What brought him up, on your first day of work, no less.”
“Your mom called me and said she and your dad will be here Saturday and Sunday. She knew you were off and Uncle Joe is going to the baseball game with his Army buddies. She wanted to spend some time with us. Anyway, he asked about other family and I brushed it off until we went to dinner at the bar where we first met. I told him about Jason and him abandoning us and he suggested that maybe I talk to your mom about it. That she possibly may have some information for me. He delicately said that with my age, I may not know everything or remember it correctly. I thought about it, and there is some truth to his statement. I only know what I remember since I was too hardheaded when I was younger to talk to your mom about it at all.”
“I think we should call her and see if there is anything she knows. Maybe there is something in your mom’s stuff in the attic that would help you to understand everything.” Picking up her phone, she dialed her mom. At least the news was still on so I knew they were awake.
“Hey mom!… No, everything is okay. I’m going to put you on speaker, it’s just us here.”
“Hey girls! What’s going on?” her comforting voice came from the phone between them.
“Hey Aunt Lisa. I was hoping you could answer some questions for me about my mom and Jason.”
“Sure, sweetheart. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know but why are you calling so late in the evening?”
“I’ve just been thinking about them a lot lately and I was hoping to understand what happened better. Just trying to move past the bad and into the good.”
“Who’s the guy?” she asked with a smile in her voice.
“How did you know there was a guy?”
All the while, Caroline smiled at me and silently laughed. We never could hide anything from them. We tried sneaking alcohol one night and had taken our first sip when they walked in. Instead of yelling at us or grounding us, they sat with us and let us enjoy our tasty beverage. Big mistake. All they had was gin and we thought it would be a good idea to mix it with orange juice. Yeah,really bad idea.After that and a couple of other less-than-genius ideas they caught on to, we were afraid to try anything too crazy, convinced they would pop up and catch us.
“You’ve never asked about what happened, never wanted to talk about it. Then you get a new job, and suddenly start asking about the past. The only reason to confront past hurts is to be able to move forward toward a new future. So, I’ll ask again. Who is the guy?”
Caroline could no longer stay silent and openly laughed at the conversation her mom and I were having. It was tough enough having the sex talk with her without dying of mortification.
“His name is Lucas Walters and I met him about a month ago. We met on the evening of Caroline’s blind date. A few weeks later he contacted me. He was the recruiter that reached out to me for my new job, only he wasn’t sure I was me until I called about the position. He is helping me get acclimated to the new job and is my liaison to the board of directors. Aunt Lisa, I really like him.”
“Maddie is in love” Caroline sing-songed into the phone.
“Is that true, Maddie. Do you love him?”
“I think I do, Aunt Lisa, and it scares me so much. What if he’s like Jason? What if he breaks my heart?”
