Page 22 of The Hand That Holds Me
“I don’t have a father.” She spit out, sounding nothing like the Maddie I had grown to know and love.
I needed to proceed carefully. She is obviously angry at Jason and I didn’t want to let on I knew anything about their situation.I just hope she never finds you that I orchestrated this whole situation.
She had yet to actually say his name to me so I still had plausible deniability.
“Everyone has a father Maddie. Even if they aren’t around.”
“Well, I don’t! Thank-you for dinner and for all your guidance today.” She started to stand up to leave. “I think it’s time I head home. Today was a long day and we have an early start tomorrow.”
Damn it! She is shutting down.I needed keep her talking to see how deep her resentment ran. How much pain she carried.
I reached out to her, gently grabbing her hand. “Please don’t go. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just meant that even if they aren’t around, either by choice or circumstance, they are still our parent. My dad passed away when I was fifteen and even though he is gone, he will always be my father. That’s all I was trying to convey.”
I purposely don’t mention Jason taking me in. I hoped by the time she realizes our connection, she would have forgiven Jason and hopefully, can forgive me.
She took a healthy swallow of her wine and began a story that I knew part of. I was curious to hear what she remembered.
“My father left when I was three days old. No calls, no letters. Nothing. He took my mom and I home from the hospital, got us comfortable and left. He never came back. My mom looked for him as soon as she could, but having just delivered me, it was hard for her to get around. When she finally found him, two months had passed. He had moved to New York City about a week after he left us. She left me with Aunt Lisa and flew up there to find out what why he had left and cut off all communication. She was so broken. She had expected all the promises he had given her. That he would always be there for her, for us. That he would love us and we would be a family. He lied. Everything he said to her was a lie.” Anger was rising in her voice.
I motioned for the waitress to bring another round of drinks. I could walk her home and call an Uber, as long she kept talking. I needed to know what she thought happened, because, from what she just told me, she only had half of the story.
“Then, my mom got sick just after I turned six years old. I remember her being so violently ill from the treatments. She would take me to school, have chemotherapy while I was in class, pick me up and take me home. She made sure I had dinner on the table, even if she had to sit in a chair to cook. She helped me with my homework and read me a story before tucking me into bed every night. She fostered my love of reading. My mother never let on how sick she was, I guess thinking that someone so young wouldn’t understand. But I knew she was dying.” Her eyes glistened with unshed tears.
I took her hand and brought it up to my lips. I wanted her to know she was loved and not alone. Not anymore.
“She was in and out of the hospital for about a year and a half. She lost so much weight, she looked like a skeleton. Her beautiful hair fell out and she had to wear scarves. When she got really sick or had to stay in the hospital overnight, I would stay with the next-door neighbor or Aunt Lisa would come and get me. She was a rock for mom during her illness.”
Maddie took another swallow of her wine and continued with her story. I could tell how hard this was for her to retell but I needed her to tell me everything so I could begin to unravel the confusion and mistakes from the past.
“Mom had a period of time, about six months before she passed away, that she was doing pretty good. She had more energy, she started to gain weight and her hair had begun to grow back. I later found out it was because she had discontinued treatment.” Her bottom lip trembled.
“We went to see my father. He had moved back to Atlanta—Buckhead to be exact—and mom thought he would want to see us. He threw us off of his property like we were garbage. He told my mom he hadn’t wanted me from the start. She told him she was sick but the bastard didn’t care. Jason told my mom to leave and never return. He knew she was going to die and I would be alone. He didn’t care! We had to move in with Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe and mom set up my adoption before she died. She was gone about six months later, peacefully, in hospice care. I haven’t heard or seen anything about my father in over thirteen years and if I go until the end of my days without him, that will suit me just fine.” She finished both the tragic story and her third glass of wine.
It was heartbreaking to have her tell me the story that sent her into a life of solitude. She deserved to be loved and I needed to tread carefully with what I said next.
“Have you ever thought about looking for him now? Maybe to hear his side of the story. There may be things that happened that you were too young to fully understand. That could change your mind where he is concerned.”
“He gave up the chance to know me when he sent me away. He sent my mother away to die alone. Without the only man she had ever loved. She actually loved him until the day she died. How could she still love someone who treated her like he did? We struggled to survive some months, even though she never let on. I still knew. He lived in his gilded mansion, wining and dining women while my mom was dying and I was going to be an orphan. Screw him.” Her voiced laced with pain and sounding small and weak.
She sounded just like she was seven years old again and witnessing Jason’s cruelty first hand. Unfortunately, Maddie really was confused on what actually happened all those years ago.
“Have you ever spoken with your aunt about what happened? You said she and your mom were closer than you and Caroline. Is it possible that what you remembered and what you saw and heard wasn’t what actually happened?”
She sat very still for a moment, lost in thought, starring at the wall behind me.
“I guess anything is possible. I don’t think there is anything she can tell me that I don’t know but I guess I can ask her.” Shrugging her shoulders, she looked uninterested.
“With her coming this weekend to visit, this may be the perfect time to talk to her. Listen, I’m not trying to run your life but from everything you have told me, this problem with your father weighs heavy on your heart. I wish I had the chance to go back and fix things with my dad. He died when I was starting my rebellious phase and I never got the opportunity to show him the man I had become. I would give anything to be able to go back. You have that chance, Maddie. Think about it and let your heart guide you.”
“I will think about it, but I can make any promises. I’m not sure if his reasons would ever justify what he did to her. It’s fine that he never wanted me, but the way he treated her was unforgivable. My mother was a wonderful woman and he threw it away to be a playboy”
I stood up and threw some money on the table to cover the bill. I didn’t want to wait for the check, I just wanted to get Maddie out of here. The waitress was going to get a hell of a tip.
As I walked Maddie to her apartment, her fingers interwoven with mine, I thought about all the conversations we’ve had since we met. She’s filled with so much love and light. The fear of loving someone and them leaving, scared her to her core. Jason should have tried harder to find her.
I wanted to reassure her I am not leaving her, now or ever.
We got to her front door and she fumbled with the keys, trying to get the lock open. I couldn’t tell if she was nervous or upset, so I took the keys from her and opened the door, placing my hand on her lower back and following her inside.
