Page 2 of The Hand That Holds Me
“You can’t be here. I told you this years ago, Sara. I don’t care where you go, but you can’t stay here! Now LEAVE!” the giant bellows at my momma, making me jump and hide behind her legs even more.
“Listen, please. Then we’ll go. I just need one minute of your time, Jason.” Momma says, her voice cracking and a cough coming out, shaking her frail body.
“Fine, you have one minute before I call security to have you two removed. I really don’t have time for this.” He says, pulling the thick door closed behind him. I guess he didn’t want whoever was inside to hear us or he wanted to make sure we wouldn’t get into his house.
“I’m sick and I don’t know how much longer I have. I need to know that Maddie will be taken care of when I’m gone and you are the only family she has left, Jason. I’m begging you, please don’t leave her to suffer in this world alone.” Momma says crying to the angry man, Jason.
“I told you 8 years ago to get rid of her before this became an issue Sara. You could have gotten rid of her and this wouldn’t be here now. You made your decision. I didn’t want her then and I don’t want her now. It’s time that you leave. I’m sorry for what you are going through, but it’s really not my problem.”
“You are going to allow your daughter to go into the system, when you have a large family that could help her and I have no one?! You would actually let that happen to your flesh and blood child?”
This man is my daddy?
Why doesn’t he want me?
Doesn’t he love me?
Am I that bad?
I try really hard to be good for momma but sometimes I make messes and forget to do some of my chores, but I try so hard to not cause momma to have to be angry with me. I know how hard she works to take care of me. So why doesn’t my daddy want to help her? Or me?
I’m ripped out of my thoughts when Jason begins to push momma and I off the porch of his huge house. I had asked momma when we arrived if it was a castle. She just laughed her beautiful laugh and said ”No sweetie, it’s not a castle, it’s just a really big house. The man who lives here does very well in his business, so he can afford this big house and all the nice things to fill it with.”
“Leave Sara, and don’t come back. I don’t want anything to do with you or her. Besides, how do I even know she is mine?”
“You know damn good and well that Maddie is yours. You were there during the entire pregnancy, you witnessed her birth, and you signed the birth certificate. It was only after you spoke with your father that you changed your mind about your daughter. Maddie was three days old the last time you saw her. Three days old! I have taken care of this precious little girl, all alone, for the last seven years, Jason. I haven’t asked you for a damn thing! Not Once! And you turn us away after what I just told you? Fuck You, Jason!”
Momma grabs my hand and we walk back to our old car, sitting on the curb, looking completely out of place on this nice street.
“Where will we go now momma?” I ask her, trying to be brave like she taught me.
“I don’t know sweetheart, but I promise I will make sure you are taken care of when…”
“When what, momma?”
She looks over the backseat, smiling a sad smile at me. “Don’t worry Maddie, I promise I will make everything ok”
We pull away from the curb and start to drive out of town. I only allow myself one look back at the house where my daddy lives.
The house he doesn’t want me in. I see him looking at the car as it drives away from his house but he never made a move to stop us. I watched as he closed the door for the final time and disappeared from my life.
The only family I will have after my momma is gone doesn’t want me. He doesn’t care that I’m scared of loosing momma and being alone.
She thinks I don’t know, but I heard her talking on the phone to her best friend, my Aunt Lisa, about how she didn’t have much longer and she wanted me to meet my daddy before she was gone.
I don’t want my momma to die, but there isn’t anything I can do but pray to the God momma taught me about.
I prayed that God took me and saved momma.
I prayed that I could switch places with momma.
I prayed for my momma to live.
I lost my momma less than six months after we drove away from Jason’s house and I never once went back to see him. Not in the last thirteen years and I don’t ever plan to. He left me out in the world all alone and not one time did he ever come looking for me. Aunt Lisa and Uncle Joe were amazing. Momma’s wishes were that I was to go and live with them and they have been the best guardians I could have ever asked for. Their daughter Caroline and I had grown up together so it was a smooth transition into their home. Well, as smooth as can be expected from an 8-year-old who lost the only parent they ever knew. We had our problems, but we were a family, and that’s all I ever wanted.
I heard the shower turn off and snapped out of my bitter memories. Feeling sorry for myself never got me anywhere. Soon, Caroline and I will be off on another adventure and I for one can’t wait to see what the day has in store. It’s not every day that a girl turns 21.
As I pounded the miles out on the treadmill, I think about what today will bring. This day has been years in the making and to say I’m excited about it would be an understatement. I’ve been looking for her for the last three years and I finally found her.
