Page 15 of In Her Fears
“Mom, avoiding meetings isn’t the answer.Your sobriety has to come first.”
“Don’t you think I know that?”A flash of the old defensiveness surfaced, then subsided just as quickly.“I’m sorry.You’re right, of course.But what are the alternatives?Continue seeing him like that, meeting after meeting, pretending there’s nothing there?”
Jenna considered this, weighing her mother’s evident emotional turmoil against the vital importance of her continued recovery.“Have you told him how you feel?”
Mom looked genuinely alarmed.“God, no.I couldn’t.”
“Why not?The worst that happens is he doesn’t feel the same way, and you find a new sponsor.The best is...”Jenna left the sentence unfinished, letting her mother fill in the possibilities.
“It’s not that simple.”Mom rose from the table, moving to the window where she stood looking out at her garden.“What if he rejects me?Or worse, what if he doesn’t?What then?”
Jenna waited, sensing there was more her mother needed to say.
“I still miss your father, Jenna.”Mom’s voice softened.“Even after five years, sometimes I still expect to see him coming through that door.And now with these feelings for Zeke, and it feels like...like I’m betraying Greg somehow.”
“Dad would want you to be happy, Mom.You know that.”
Mom nodded slightly, still facing the window.“There’s also the fact that in AA, they strongly recommend not getting involved in any new relationships during your first year of recovery.Especially with another member.”
“But you can talk about it,” Jenna suggested gently.“Clear the air.Zeke’s been in recovery for years; he’ll understand better than most.And if you need to find a new sponsor, he can help with that too.”
Mom turned back to face her, eyes bright with unshed tears.“I’m scared, Jenna.I haven’t felt this way in so long, and now that I do, it’s all mixed up with my sobriety, which is something I can’t afford to mess up.”
“I know, Mom.”Jenna stood and crossed to her mother, placing a hand on her shoulder.“But avoiding meetings isn’t the answer.That’s putting your recovery at risk.”
Mom gave a brief laugh, then spoke a little sharply.“Well, Sheriff, maybe you should follow your own advice.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean Jake Hawkins.The way you look at him, the way he looks at you.Everyone sees it but you two.”
Heat rose to Jenna’s cheeks.“That’s completely different.”
“Is it?You’re both avoiding something real because you’re afraid of tangling up your professional relationship.”Mom’s smile widened slightly.“Sounds pretty similar to me.”
“It’s complicated, Mom.”
“And my situation isn’t?”Mom raised an eyebrow, her momentary amusement fading.“At least you and Jake are in your thirties, with stable lives.You’re not trying to rebuild yourself from the ground up while navigating feelings you haven’t dealt with in years.”
Jenna had no ready response.Her mother wasn’t wrong about the parallels, uncomfortable as they were to acknowledge.They both lapsed into silence, the kitchen clock on the wall marking seconds that stretched awkwardly between them.
“Jenna,” Mom said finally, her voice taking on a different tone, “I worry about you.Not just about Jake, but everything.All these horrible cases you’ve been dealing with...”
“It’s my job, Mom.”
“I know that.But why do you always have to carry so much?”Mom’s eyes were searching now, full of a mother’s concern.“Between that and your obsession with finding Piper...I just wonder sometimes if it’s time to consider that she might be—”
“Don’t say it.”The words came out sharper than Jenna intended.
“—dead,” Mom finished quietly.“It’s been twenty years, Jenna Marie.”
The middle name hit like a physical blow.Only her mother and Frank ever used it, and only when they were dead serious about something.
“I know how long it’s been.”Jenna turned away, arms crossed protectively over her chest.She couldn’t explain to her mother the certainty she felt that Piper was still alive somewhere—couldn’t explain that the dead came to her in dreams, and Piper never had.That single fact was the foundation of her hope, the reason she wouldn’t stop searching.
“I just want you to live your life, sweetheart.Not spend it chasing ghosts and dealing with the worst humanity has to offer.”Mom moved closer, her hand light on Jenna’s back.“What I really hope is that you and Jake will get together and leave this town.Make a good, quiet life somewhere else.”
Jenna turned, shocked.“Leave?Mom, I can’t just run off and abandon everything.For one thing, I’d never leave you behind.”
