Page 28 of Chasing Chase London: Part 8-Valentines Day
AllThatDiaz: its ok. I get it. c u Monday
SkyIsFalling: Ill come over 2morrow, kk? Promise. We can do anything u want.
SkyIsFalling: even bury bodies
AllThatDiaz: k
I stare at my phone and feel like shit. First for not being there for Daria, and second for wishing I could go watch a movie with her instead of comforting Lindsey. I should be happy that I’m her temporary best friend. Anyone else would be taking full advantage, and I know if I was smart, I’d be figuring out how to make the position permanent. But I can’t help being exhaustedby all of it, to the point where it’s a relief when Mom comes to pick me up.
I told her I didn’t want a party, but she still wanted to do something for me, so she got me cupcakes. Meghan comes over, and our parents insist on watching a movie as a family. I sprawl on the living room floor with Meghan and Lily, and we all watchSixteen Candles.One year older, one more birthday without Dad. I tell myself I’m glad, that if he were here he’d launch into his usual diatribe about how inferior John Hughes movies are compared to his favorite seminal 80s teen movie,Heathers.
That night I lie in bed, my mind returning to Chase the way it always does. When I close my eyes I see the tense look on his face when he passed me in the hall, willfully ignoring me, intentionally crushing me. When I inhale, I smell the clean, masculine scent of him leaning up close to me, see the vein pulsing in his neck when he had me pinned to the wall. I turn over and pull a pillow over my face, as if it will block out the memory of his swollen, discolored lip, busted from where I hit him.
My mind replays the surprise and hurt in his eyes when I walked away, leaving him bloody and bruised. My heart aches for him, for me, for all of us. If I knew he was still on my side, that he was supporting me somehow, I could bear it. I’d know it would all be okay in the end, as long as I could have just one of his smiles.
But I can’t.
The thought that he may never smile at me again makes me want to curl up in bed and never leave. Or just die. What difference would it make?
The next day I drag myself to Daria’s as promised, though I’m worn so thin I don’t know how much good I’ll do. Still, I’m the only person still talking to her, so I can’t abandon her now. Even Elaine has people to sit with at lunch. Daria floats aroundin a cloud of pain and loneliness, too hurt to even fight for her place. She chose self-exile instead.
She doesn’t cry at school, though, unlike Lindsey. Lindsey cries all the time—at school, after school, at lunch, at night on the phone with me.
After our visit, Daria drops me off at work. Three hours into my shift, Lindsey calls. She’s a mess, crying that she needs me, she doesn’t know if she can take it anymore. She begs me to come over, so I tell David I’m not feeling well.
I can’t exactly tell Lindsey to get through it on her own when she might do something to hurt herself. Besides, I’m her best friend now, and that comes with certain obligations. I may need a job, but I need Lindsey to be okay even more. So she picks me up, and I spend the rest of the day at her house.
Sunday I call in sick to work and spend the day with Lindsey again. In the evening, Daria texts asking me to come over again, though Lindsey looks like I kicked her puppy when I tell her.
“Why are you still friends with her?” she asks, her eyes welling with tears. “After what she did…”
For one moment, I’m sure she’s going to make me choose between her and Daria. And as much as I’ve done for her, I can’t do that. I jump in before she can give me an ultimatum. It’s a wonder I haven’t had a nervous breakdown by now, and I don’t think I can handle one more thing.
“Look, Lindsey,” I say gently. “You have to forgive her. I don’t know how much more of this I can take, and she didn’t do anything wrong.”
“She knew all along,” Lindsey says, shaking her head stubbornly. “I can’t just forgive that.”
I consider telling her I’ve known for a while, but that wouldn’t help anyone.
“She didn’t tell you because she didn’t want to see you hurting,” I explain. “Do you honestly think she’d hide it to protect Elaine?”
She sniffles, and I know I’m making progress. At least she’s listening. So I keep talking. “Daria’s hurting just like you are, Linds. She needs her best friend right now. And if there’s anyone who can understand what you’re going through, it’s her. She’s in exactly the same situation you are. Just talk to her, okay? For me?”
Lindsey bites at a hangnail for a second and then sighs. “Fine.”
“You’ll talk to her?”
“I guess I could hear what she has to say for herself.”
“Thank you so much,” I say, pulling her in for a hug, even though it’s outside my comfort zone. “I can’t stand you guys fighting. You’re my best friends.”
I call to let her know Lindsey’s coming by and that I have to go home. “She wants to make up with you,” I assure Daria. “Call me afterwards if you want to talk.”
“You’re the most amazing friend I could ask for,” she says. “I don’t know what I would have done without you this week.”
Hearing her say that makes me want to cry. This whole time I’ve barely gotten to spend any time at all with her, and she’s so grateful for just a little bit of friendship.
If only I could patch up my own broken relationships as easily. As complicated and sometimes torturous as our friendship has been, I still considered Chase a friend, sometimes a good one. He stood up for me at a party, got my boss to stop being a creep to me, and most of all, he brought me into the group.
