Page 112 of Cruel When He Smiles
“No, because you’re not fucking listening to me!”
He’s right, I’m not. If I do, if I really let myself think about what he’s saying, then it means Liam isn’t just fucking with me. It means this thing between us isn’t just about control and ownership and pushing me into something I should want to fight.
It means it’s something real, and I don’t know what to do with that.
“You want me to just stand here and watch him break you into pieces while you tell me it’s fine?” Sage demands. “You want me to act like this is healthy? You told me what he did to you. The way he’d pull away just to make you chase him. Make you question your own thoughts. And now you’re looking at me like I’m the bad guy for reminding you.”
“I remember,” I snap and lift my gaze to meet his. “I remember what I said. I remember every fucked-up detail, okay? But he makes it stop—he makes everything stop!”
His mouth opens, but he doesn’t speak. “You think you know what’s happening, but you don’t. You don’t know what it’s like.”
He scoffs. “Oh, sure. Because I haven’t watched this happen before. Because I don’t know what it’s like to see someone fall into something dangerous.”
I laugh, but it’s humorless. “Oh, you mean like how I had to watch you fall for Luca? You mean how I had to stand back and let you make your own choices even when I fucking hated them?”
Sage’s jaw locks, but I push. “Don’t fucking act like this is any different, Sage. I know how you feel. I felt the same way about Luca. I watched you chase after a guy who was bad for you, a guy who was toxic and self-destructive and not good enough for you. And you know what I did?”
He says nothing, so I answer for him.
“I let you go because it wasn’t my fucking choice to make,” I say, voice lower now, steadier. “Because I knew you had to figure it out yourself. Because I knew that, no matter how much I hated it, you had to want to walk away.”
Sage’s fists unclench slightly.
“And I get it, okay? I get why you’re worried. I get why you don’t like this. But you have to understand that what I have with Liam isn’t…” I shake my head, searching for the right words. “It isn’t straightforward.”
Sage watches me, eyes flicking over my face like he’s trying to read me, like he’s trying to find something he can use to pull me back. But there’s nothing to pull me back from because this is where I want to be.
“You wouldn’t understand,” I murmur.
His face twists like the words sting. “Try me.”
I inhale deeply, holding his gaze. “He’s the reason I ignore my mother’s calls now, the reason I don’t spiral every time someone touches me without warning. He’s the reason I can sleep more than two hours without waking up choking on air I can’t feel in my lungs.”
My voice cracks, but I keep going, because if I stop now, I’ll never get the words out again. My chest is tight, and everything hurts in ways I don’t even have the language for, but I’ve carried this too long. I’m too fucking tired to pretend it doesn’t matter.
Sage’s brow is furrowed, lips parted like he’s trying to figure out how the hell I could possibly be saying any of this. I know that look. I’ve seen it when he’s about to fix a problem for someone, except now I’m the problem, and he can’t fix me. Not this time.
“You think I don’t know it’s messed up?” I ask, softer now. My hands curl into the thin hospital blanket over my lap.
Sage doesn’t answer. His eyes are glassy but furious.
“I fucking know,” I whisper. “I know all of it. I know who he is, and I know what he’s capable of. I know he can hurt me, and still—I can breathe around him, Sage. He says something, and it’s like my brain goes quiet. All the shit that usually eats at me? The self-doubt, the panic, the noise—it goes away when he looks at me. Do you know how rare that is? How fucking impossible that’s been my whole life, even though I had you?”
He flinches at that, but I can’t help it. Sage has his people, but I’ve only ever had him.
“I’m not saying he’s good for me. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying that I’ve never had something feel like control when everything else is chaos. Even when he’s pulling my strings, I know who I am around him.”
“Bullshit,” Sage says, his voice thick and trembling. “You know who you were before him, and that version of you wouldn’t put up with this. You were fierce. You were fire. You were stubbornand brave and fucking relentless, and now you just—” His throat works around the words. “You look at him like he’s the only reason you’re still standing.”
“He is.”
That stops him.
It’s the truth, and I say it with a calm that feels dangerous. Not because I’m trying to justify Liam, but because it’s the first thing I’ve said all night that I know deep down is completely, irreversibly true.
“I know you hate him. I know you think I’m brainwashed or trauma-bonded or whatever else you’ve been whispering to yourself. But you weren’t there the first time he saw through all the noise in my head and said my name like it meant something. You didn’t see the way he sat with me when I couldn’t breathe. He didn’t try to fix me, he didn’t give me some empty speech about healing. He just fucking saw me.”
“And that’s enough for you?” Sage’s voice breaks on the last word. “Being seen by someone who manipulates you and uses your trauma to control you is enough?”
