Page 82 of It Started with a Kiss
53
Fin
I sat across from Alec in the empty coffee shop. It was after closing time, and I was still nursing the same latte he had given me an hour before.
Alec huffed out a long breath. ‘I just can’t believe a mother could be so damn cruel, Fin. I mean...why?’
I shrugged, just as disbelieving as he was. ‘Beats me. I… I don’t know what to do. I can’t just get on a plane again and expect Star to be happy to see me just because it turned out the letter wasn’t even from me. Let’s face it, she still thinks I betrayed her at the charity event. And that partismy fault. Because that’s exactly how it looked to her.’
‘Yes, she does still think that. But if you explain. If you tell her what happened after she’d gone.’
I shook my head. ‘I tried that before. I left voicemails. I sent text messages. I turned up at your apartment, if you remember? I don’t think it’ll make a difference. I ruined it all, Alec.’ My throat tightened and a stinging sensation needled at my eyes. ‘Next time you speak to her, could you just tell her I never stopped loving her? She’ll listen if the message comes from you. Just tell her I’m so sorry I hurt her. And that I know my mother’s letters were meant to cause damage, but the last thing I ever wanted was for Star to be hurt. Or for her to be dragged into the hell that is my stupid family. Could you tell her that for me? Please?’ I swiped away a trail of moisture that had begun to make its way down my face.
Alec reached across the table and squeezed my forearm. ‘I still think you could get her back, Fin. She still loves you. You don’t get over a love that deep so easily.’
I shrugged and laughed without an ounce of humour. ‘Lovedme. Past tense. I think I just need to let her go. Let her be happy. And if that means she moves on then so be it. She deserves to be happy, Alec.’ My voice broke and my lip trembled.
What a fool.
Alec patted my arm. ‘Well, of course I’ll tell her. But you could always contact her yourself.’
I shook my head again. ‘I can’t. After everything that’s happened, I just can’t. I want to. Believe me, I do. But, to be honest, I see now that she deserves so much better.’ I pushed my chair away from the table and placed my cup down. ‘I should go. We’re rehearsing tonight. Got a gig tomorrow.’
He stood too. ‘Oh, right. Great. Where?’
‘We’re playing Sneaky Pete’s in the city.’
He patted my back. ‘Okay, well I might bring some of the guys down.’
‘Great. See you there maybe. And... thanks for not telling me to sod off, eh?’
He smiled sadly. The pity in his eyes almost pushed me over the edge again, and I fought my emotions to keep them in check.
* * *
I wrote to Hetty and told her everything. All the sordid details of my mother and father’s betrayal. How they had treated me like a commodity. Like something with as little soul as themselves. I told Hetty she was the closest thing to a mother I’d ever had—that I loved her and wished she had been my birth mother instead of the callous, bloody-minded, self-centred monster who had brought me into the world and then tossed me aside.
It had been a cathartic letter to write, but the resulting phone call from Hetty had almost broken my heart. She had sobbed down the phone line and told me she loved me dearly. That she was so proud of the man I had become and that I had finally taken a stand. She said she had wanted to leave their employ for so long, but she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving me and Callum there. She knew my brother was made of tougher stuff as a kid, she said, and that watching my eyes fill with disappointment every time my father belittled one of my achievements made her stand fast in a job she hated. She told me she would one day show up at a gig to surprise me, and I loved her so much for that, even though I guessed she never would.
She had apologised over and over for things that hadn’t been her fault, and I had spent time telling her that all she had ever done was help me. That if it hadn’t been for her, I would never have picked up a hairbrush to sing into, never mind a real mic. That I owed her so much. All the words I should have said a long time ago. But at least I said them. Better late than never, I suppose.
The band had been awesome since I got back from New York. They were good mates, offering an ear if I needed it or to get sloshed if I needed that more.
* * *
Sneaky Pete’s didn’t look like much from the outside. It certainly didn’t look like one of Edinburgh’s most popular live music venues. In fact, it resembled an abandoned shop by day, and most people would, no doubt, walk right by it without a second glance. Close to a beautiful stone archway on Cowgate and some of the most incredible architecture Edinburgh had to offer, it was the most unassuming venue ever. And that’s exactly why I loved it.
On the night of our gig, I arrived at the venue along with the rest of Mr Hyde at around ten o’clock. The club was due to open at eleven, so we had a good hour to get set up. Our original material was coming along nicely, and we were excited to be sharing it at the newest venue in our portfolio.
We carried the gear into the club and set up like the well-organised team we’d become. Music was a huge part of my life, and it was a great distraction. I knew that once I was up on that stage and my alter ego took over, I could forget about all the rubbish that had happened in my life and just become a whole other person. Fin the ‘rock god’. The thought made me smile and shake my head. It was what Star had called me.Fin the rock god. Who would ever have thought that the clean cut, pretty-boy, reluctant law student would one day be a shaggy-haired, bearded guy who stomped around a stage every weekend, screeching out rock and indie songs at the top of his lungs? Certainly not me.
I was standing inside the small venue and admiring the graffiti style artwork on the walls as a sense of pride washed over me when I recalled Hetty’s words. I was there to sing. With a live band. And it was thanks to Hetty and Star that I had taken the steps to become who I was in that moment. Two important women who had no idea how much they had affected me. I loved them both so much for it.
* * *
Midnight. The club was buzzing, and my anxiety had ratcheted up ten notches. I was pacing up and down at the back of the club while the other guys laughed and joked with their wives and girlfriends. Thankfully, I was too terrified to be filled with envy as I chewed on my nails and watched them enjoying the company of the women in their lives.
Time ticked by all too slowly and much too fast simultaneously. I ducked into the men’s room to check my appearance. My faded old grey jeans that were ripped at the knee were just too comfy to throw out. They were a far cry from the Hugo Boss suit I wore for the office. The Sonic Idols T-shirt I wore was my favourite, even though it had shrunk a little thanks to user error with the washing machine. It was tight but, thankfully, not cropped.
