Page 57 of Dreaming Under An Island Skye
‘I know, I know. Kendric has gone rushing off to the mainland to talk to a friend of his who’s a doctor of genetics. I wanted to go, but he said I should stay here.’
‘Well, that’s good. At least Kendric can find out what the next step is.’
He clenched his eyes shut. ‘I want it to be another lie. Even if that makes her the biggest, most evil bitch in the world, I want her to be just being cruel. It’ll break my heart if it’s true, Jules. But no matter what anyone says or wherehegoes in this world, he will always…alwaysbemybaby boy. Mine. I raised him.Me. I’ve loved him.’ He opened his eyes and fixed her with a determined expression. ‘I’ve been there since he was born. I maybe haven’t been the best husband, and I hate myself for that. But I’vealwaysbeen a good dad. I hate that I couldn’t stop my marriage from breaking down. I hate that I wasn’t good enough back then. People can fire off comments to Kate and spread their gossip, becausenothingthose people can say will hurt me any more than I’ve hurt myself. Believe me. I beat myself up every single hour of every single day. And I wondereveryday why I wasn’t good enough for my wife. What could I have done better? How could I have been different? What could I have done to make her love me… loveusenough to stay? It destroyed me for a while when she left. I’m still broken, I mean, just look at me.’ He laughed, short and humourless. ‘But you know what? Now, I’m actuallygladshe’s gone, for the first time since this whole thing started. If it does turn out to be true, she’s known this all along. She’s kept this from meandEvin. What kind of motherdoesthat? And if it is a lie… well, that just proves I’m better off without her.’ He balled his fists in his lap and clenched his jaw. ‘And even if it does turn out that she’s telling the truth and Evin isn’t mine, I will fight her tooth and nail. Because blood doesn’t make him mine, it goes way deeper than that. I won’t let her take the one good thing I have left in my life. And if she’s playing dirty, I will useeverythingI can to fight this.’
23
Reid’s revelation left Juliette reeling. As someone who would love to be a mother, she couldn’t contemplate behaving the way Kate was. Using a child to get some kind of misguided revenge on an ex was plain wrong and completely inexcusable. She hoped desperately that the woman was lying. But as Reid had said, if it was all a ploy, it made herthemost reprehensible person.
They were onto their second pot of tea when Reid said, ‘You know, your words, that day at the inlet, were the kick up the arse I needed. Things can’t continue like this. I think… I think I do need help. I mean more than the general help I’ve been getting from Morag, Leanna and Evin.’ He broke eye contact and rubbed at a spot of ink on the leg of his jeans. ‘You were harsh, true. But what you said made me sit up and think. I haven’t really laid any of this stuff to rest. There’s been no closure. I’m not normally one to open my heart and let my feelings spew out, in spite of what I’ve just done. But… therearethings I need help to address. And I’ve finally realised I can’t do that alone. I’ve… I’ve been slipping away, emotionally. Shutting myself off from things. Perhaps this wall I’ve constructed is a little higher than I’d intended. So… I have an appointment with my GP tomorrow. I’m going to ask if I can be referred for counselling.’
Juliette smiled. ‘That’s such a positive step.’ She paused. ‘But I really do regret the things I said. You must believe me when I say I’mnota cruel person.’
He lowered his gaze. ‘Despite my first greetings to you, neither am I. I probably should explain my initial animosity towards you.’
She cringed. ‘I presumed it was because I almost mowed you down on my arrival.’
Reid scrunched his face. ‘Aye, I think I overreacted there. You can’t have been going above five miles an hour. No, it was something else entirely.’ He took a deep breath and she could see the distinct blush to his cheeks which was a stark contrast to the pallor he’d had when he opened the door. ‘When Morag mentioned your name, my initial thought was that perhaps you were here to spy on me. I thought that maybe Kate had somehow sent you. Thatyouwere here to watch me, and feed more lies back. Give her more ammunition. She told me that’s what she was going to do, you see? That she was going to be watching me. Not personally, butremotelyas she put it. Then you turned up and… Well, two and two made nine, as it turned out.’
Juliette straightened up in her seat. ‘You thought I was Kate’s spy?’
He laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. ‘It sounds crazy, paranoid even, I know. I mean, I’d never even met you. But you applied for the job just after I’d had that conversation with Kate and alarm bells rang. I thought… you know… why would a single woman from down south want to be coming all this way to run a museum on Skye? To my scrambled mind, it didn’t seem to add up. Look, I’m sorry.’ He shook his head and his shoulders hunched.
Juliette raised her eyebrows and huffed out the air from her cheeks. ‘Well, it certainly explains a lot. I knew you’d taken an instant dislike to me, but I’d put it down to your disgust at my reckless driving. I can assure you though—’
He held up his hands. ‘You’re not a spy. I know, I know. God, I’m such an idiot. But… she’s been chipping away at me for so long, I think I’m suspicious of everyone I meet now. I’ve even been reticent about having Morag here. It’s ridiculous. But when someone tells you you’re a crap excuse for a father and husband, over and over, and that they’re going to do whatever they can to take your child away, you begin to believe it, and then, when they hint that they want you back… well, you can imagine how bloody confused I was.’
Trying to hide how appalled she felt at his ex-wife’s behaviour, Juliette waved a dismissive hand. ‘Oh hell, there’s no wonder. I’m so sorry you’re going through all this. I can’t imagine the amount of stress that’s put you under.’
‘It’s not been fun, that’s for sure. I’ve kind of… spiralled lately. It’s all got too much, but…’ He clenched his jaw and his brow furrowed. ‘I feel pathetic admitting that. That’s why I haven’t wanted to. I feel…’ He sighed deeply. ‘I see other single parents making everything look easy, you know? And Evin is such agoodkid. He’s the best, so I have no reason to feel so under pressure all the time. Leanna pretty much runs the café, so I have little to do other than be a father and produce paintings to sell, which is why I feel like… like such a damned failure.’ His jaw tensed and he lowered his gaze.
‘Oh, Reid, you really have it wrong. You’re not a failure. Not in the slightest. You’re just grieving for the loss of your marriage. This isgrief. I know, I’ve been there. I still am. This… this is not you failing at life. This is you trying to make sense of a world that’s changed beyond recognition. A world where you had a partner in everything to one where you have to be so much more than just a dad.’
He lifted his chin and locked his eyes on her. He opened his mouth as if to speak and then closed it again. She knew there was more he wanted to say so she remained silent and, sure enough, he spoke again.
‘I don’t know, but maybe, Iwasheading for some sort of breakdown. Everyone’s been so scared to say the wrong thing around me, but you…youtold me exactly what you thought. It shook me. But it woke me up. And, in some ways, I’m actually grateful.’
Juliette cringed; it wasn’t the way things should have happened. But she figured now he was talking, she could share a little about her own struggles. ‘After Laurie, my husband, died, I had it all. From one extreme to the other. People on the one hand telling me to just get on with life, pull myself together as it’swhat Laurie would’ve wanted,and then there was the whole wrapping me in cotton wool, “don’t upset her, she might jump off a bridge” thing too. I think that’s the trouble, people don’t knowhowto deal with someone in that kind of situation. We all need to be told that it’s okay to not be okay. Anxiety, depression, whatever it is, it doesn’t make us lesser people. And it doesn’t mean we won’t be well again one day. It just means that we’re dealing with things in our own way, but it’s not a fault. It’s not something to be used as ammunition. It really makes me angry that people are so willing to attach a stigma to issues like this. And weallneed someone to talk to. There’s no shame in that. People need people.’
Reid sighed and paused before he spoke again. ‘To be honest, I was shocked when I admitted as much as I did to you. Saying things hadn’t been easy was a vast understatement, but the fact that I said it in the first place was a turning point for me. I think I’d been in denial until then. I certainly hadn’t said it out loud to anyone else, even though I knew things weren’t getting any better. And… on top of that, I didn’t want to admit defeat. To admit that I couldn’t justget on with it.’
Juliette understood completely. He was going through the thoughts and feelings she too had experienced. She hoped it would help to know he wasn’t alone. And she hoped he believed her when she told him he wasn’t a failure.
Reid continued, ‘My dad, bless him, was of the school of thought that a man should just get on with things. Men had to be strong and be the providers. Be the ones who held everyone else up. But that’s utter bull. I love my dad, don’t get me wrong, but now I’m stuck with the feeling that I’m some kind of weak, pathetic excuse of a man. And I’d convinced myself when Kate left that everything wasmydoing. That I’d somehow forced her into the arms of another man because I hadn’t been the best version of myself. I’d spent so long trying to be whoshewanted, instead of being me, that I lost sight of who I really was. So, when she left, I managed to convince myself that I could actually understand why. And then I started to lose interest in myself.’ He stopped talking, deep in thought for a while and they sat in companionable silence. Then, he turned to face her. ‘Can I ask you something?’
‘Of course.’
Reid opened his mouth and then closed it for a moment. Then he leaned closer as if he didn’t want the risk of anyone overhearing, even though the house was empty. ‘When you were… you know… depressed… Did you ever feel like you were totally overwhelmed with everything but that at the same time you didn’t know how tofeel? Like you were sort of… numb? And as though sleep was the best escape you had?’
Juliette nodded slowly. ‘I did. I used to get up and immediately begin watching the clock, waiting for it to be bedtime again.’
‘God, that’s just how I’ve been feeling,’ he whispered.
‘I used to feel so scared to be alone, but at the same time I didn’t want to be around anyone. I was terrified they’d realise I wasn’t worth the bother, so I was better off by myself. I didn’t want to talk, but I hated the silence… too much time to think, too much time in my head wasn’t a good place to be. It’s an illness of painful contradictions. But itisan illness, Reid. It’s not simply being sad and down in the dumps. It’s so much deeper than that.’
‘Yes! I get that now. I really do. Sometimes… when Evin is away, I can’t even get out of bed. It’s as if I have nothing to get up for, you know? And I’ll get hungry, but I don’t want to eat because it would take up too much energy. And I’vewantedto talk to someone. For someone to tell me I’m not losing my mind, but that would’ve meant giving more ammunition to Kate. She’d have a field day with all of this.’
Juliette pleaded at him with her eyes. ‘You can’t think about her now. You can’t let her stop you from getting to the bottom of this. I’m no doctor, but I really think you’ve made the right decision to see your GP. You’ve recognised the symptoms and you’ve acted, and I so wish I’d done the same thing.’
