Page 145 of Three Not-So-Little Words
“It doesn’t. You’re right. I didn’t come here to try to defend myself–maybe just explain.”
“I’m not sure I want to hear you explain, Ronnie. I tell you I have a kid, you run away. I understand, I talk you down, and you come back around. I tell you I love you, and you clam up. I tell you it’s not a big deal, and you don’t have to say it back. But then, I’m in a car accident, and I needed you and you run away as though I’ve done something awful. I don’t want to keep playing the cat and mouse game…especially when I am the one always being the fucking cat.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, trying to fight back tears. “I realize that I’m a hard person to get close to. I’ve always blamed that fact on Aaron’s death, but I think it’s really just been a defense mechanism so that I don’t have to get close to anyone.”
“Yeah, I figured that one out a while ago,” I tell her. “And while I want to be understanding, I also have a son to think about. I can’t have someone who is going to be in and out of his life. He doesn’t deserve that. Neither of us do.”
“You’re right. You don’t deserve it. You deserve someone who is going to give you their all. And someone who isn’t going to fuck it all up. I can’t guarantee that I can be that person, but I can tell you I really want to try.”
“What are you saying, Ronnie? Are you saying you want to really try this? Because you’ve said that before, and then you ran away. Look, I’m not saying that I need you to be perfect. I’m not fucking perfect. But when something happens, I need you to let me in. And I don’t know if you can do that. No, I don’t knowif youwantto do that.” I realize I’m coming off like an asshole here, but I’m pissed. The more I sit here and talk, the angrier I get.
“I just get scared.”
“Of what, Ronnie? Of something happening to me?”
“Among other things,” she mumbles.
“Like what? Are you scared of me leaving you? Because I have never given you any indication that I wasn’t one hundred percent in this. Have I?”
“No.” Her tears fall harder.
“Then, what is it? What are you so scared of?”
“I’m scared because I’m in love with you!” She blurts. “I’m in love with you, and I’ve never been in love with anyone. I didn’t even love Aaron the same way that I love you. And that fucking scares me!”
When I don’t immediately respond, she keeps going. “The thought of something happening to you terrified me because I’d never get to see you again. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize that me leaving would also mean the same thing.”
Slowly and painfully, I manage to stand up off the couch so that I am eye to eye with her.
“Did you say you’re in love with me?” I ask.
“Yes. And I know that it probably seems like I’m just saying that now so that you’ll give me another chance, but I swear I’m not. I mean it. I knew it when you said it to me, but I just couldn’t say it back because I’m a chicken shit. But I promise I will try to do better. But I love you. And I love Colton, and–”
I cut her off by kissing her. As much as I love her rambling, I love this so much more.
When we pull back, I say, “Say it again.”
She looks up at me while I wipe a tear off her cheek. “I love you.”
“I love you too, beautiful.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“Let’s just promise each other something–no more running. You and I will stay and deal with things…together.”
“Okay,” she says. “I think I can do that.”
I pull her close again, this time letting my tongue explore her mouth. I feel the passion start to rise inside her, but she does her best to hold it down.
To show her I want her, I start to lift her shirt over her head.
“I thought you weren’t in the mood,” she says.
“The woman I love telling me she loves me back puts me in the mood.” I smile.
“What about Colton? Shouldn’t he be home soon?”
“I lied. Colton won’t be home all week.” I kiss her again. “We just can’t get too crazy. My entire body still hurts like a bitch.”
