Page 62 of Body Language
The bar was so quiet that it made a man sit in his thoughts too long. I looked over at my brother, Kross.
He leaned back, smirking. “You been off your game, bro.”
I chuckled low, shaking my head. “Damn, can’t I just sit and chill with my brother without an interrogation?”
“Nah,” he said, sipping his drink slow. “Not when you look like you fighting with yourself. That’s not business stress. That’s woman stress. Spill it.”
I stared at the glass in front of me before I picked it up. “She different, Kross.”
His eyebrow shot up. “Different how?”
I exhaled, feeling stupid as hell for even saying it out loud. “She want titles. Without them, she says she moves how she wanna move. At first, I thought she was just running game… but she stands on it. And the wild part is that I respect it. Shit, I like it. But it’s messing with me because I ain’t gon’ lie. I want more than what she’s offering right now.”
Kross’s smirk faded. He studied me for a second, his usual playboy grin wasn’t there. “That sound like me and Rivah.”
I looked up. “You serious about her?”
He nodded, eyes distant like he was picturing her. “Dead serious. She got this way of making me want to be still. Like I don’t gotta run nowhere, don’t gotta prove shit. She calls me out, makes me better, and don’t even realize she doing it.”
For a second, we just sat there in silence. Two niggas who spent most their lives dodging feelings, now confessing like we was at Sunday service.
“You know it’s crazy?” I said finally. “I thought Kairo would be the only one to fold. Married at eighteen, swore he had it figured out. Fifteen years later, he out here risking everything for some dumb shit.”
Kross shook his head. “Yeah, he’s putting everything else above what’s really important. I never wanted anyone in my space longer than a weekend. Rivah changed that. Got me thinking about shit I used to laugh at. Sunday mornings. Family dinners. Shit, even a future.”
I let out a dry laugh, rubbing the back of my neck. “Sound like you in deep.”
He shot me a look. “Sound like you are too, bro. You ain’t talked like this since…”
He didn’t finish. He didn’t have to.
I ain’t never told nobody this. Not my brothers. Not my pops. Not even my mama. But fuck it, you gone know, because maybe if I say it out loud, it’ll stop eating me alive.
Her name was Megan.
I met her when we were kids, running around while our dads did business. At first, her old man wasn’t with it. Me hanging around his daughter like I had a chance in hell. But you can’t stop what’s meant. We grew up together. Laughed together. Then one day, I looked at her and realized she wasn’t just the girl with the big smile and louder laugh and I wanted her. Senior year of highschool, we were in deep. No games. Just me and her.She got pregnant, but only we knew. She was scared as hell that her daddy would’ve lost his fucking mind. I was ready to man up. Ready to give her everything, ready to protect them both.
Then one rainy-ass night… she was driving home from cheer practice. Lost control. They said she went quick. That she didn’t feel anything. But I don’t believe that. I believe she was scared. And I wasn’t there.
I lost her. And the baby.
That shit changed me. Broke me. I swore then that I’d never love a woman again.
So yeah, when Arlette came along later… it wasn’t love. Never was. But when she pulled that pregnancy test out and she lost that baby after that accident, it fucked with my head. Triggered everything I buried. I felt like I owed her, like if I walked away, I’d be betraying Megan all over again.
So, I stayed. Even when I didn’t want her. Even when she started showing me who she really was. It wasn’t about her. It was about my guilt.
And the fucked-up part? My family never knew and still don’t. People who knew I dealt with Arlette thought it was because it was something to do. Nah. It was trauma. It was me trying to fix something I couldn’t.
Niv is the first woman since Megan that made me even want to breathe love again. First one I wanted to risk being around my family. First one that got me thinking about futures I said I ain’t want no more.
And that’s the scariest shit of all. Because I already know what it feels like to lose it all in one night.
The drive to her place felt longer than it really was. Truth was, I could’ve closed my eyes and made the trip blindfolded. I grippedthe wheel tighter than I needed to. It wasn’t nerves. Nah, I don’t get nervous. I’d been with many women. Dated ‘em, spoiled ‘em, fucked ‘em, and left ‘em. None of it ever shook me. But she did.
Hell, I still remembered the way she looked at me across that poker table. She didn’t say a word, but told me everything I needed to know with a little sway of her hips. Like she spoke a language only I could hear.
I ran a hand over my beard.
