Page 76 of Something Tangled Something True
His words wrap around me like a heated blanket, soothing the sting of the memory of my ex and his unkind words.
“I truly believe that, Ryder. I think you being here at all is a testament to how dedicated youbothare to making this marriage a success. Couples counseling gets a bad reputation. A lot of people seem to believe it’s only for relationships that aren’t doing well, but that isn’t the case. Sure, that’s what a lot of the couples I work with are here for, but I think it can be used as a way to fill your toolbox.”
Ryder and I give her a puzzled look, unsure of what she’s going on about now. She’s lost me with this particular metaphor.
“Essentially, my thought is that you, as a couple, have a toolbox when you enter a relationship, and it starts out empty. Therapy is just another tool, and working through therapy provides you with more of them. You could end today with a more solid foundation for communication, but next week, maybe you add a coping mechanism for when one of you has had a hard day and doesn’t want to talk about it. These are all tools you add to your toolbox for when you need them.”
Ryder looks at me and then returns his gaze to Talia. “Like having a hammer? I only use it if I have something to hang or nail together, but I have it when I need it.”
He’s adorable for trying, and Talia lights up at his explanation. “Exactly like that! Great, so you get the concept, but Ryder, could you dig deeper into your relationship with your ex-wife? It sounded like you and Lola both have quite a bit of animosity toward her, which I found very interesting. I think it could be cathartic to get some of it out, but if you don’t agree, we can circle back to this another time.”
“I’d actually really like to discuss Lemmon if Ry is okay with it too,” I answer openly. It’s actually laughable to think of a scenario where the roles are reversed and Russ is the one sitting beside me right now. He thought it was a weakness to discuss our relationship problems with other people and would have laughed in my face at the prospect. Andthatis precisely how I know I’m in the right place, with the right person.
“Of course, Lols. I’m okay with it too. Do you mind if I go first?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Not at all.”
He starts by talking about the early years of our childhood, how Lemmon was always really sweet to him. Because I was too embarrassed to tell him how she treated me, he didn’t know until I was already gone and he was married to the monster. “Things weren’t natural with Lemmon the way they had been with Lola, but I hadn’t dated anyone other than her and Lola, so I wasn’t sure what itshouldfeellike. And then, when my best friend died shortly before my college graduation, I’d been desperate to keep Lola unscathed from the depression trying to eat me up. I didn’t want to derail her plans by needing her too much, and Lemmon was a familiar face from our same small town.” He continues explaining all the things we’ve already discussed, things I’ve finally gotten clarity on and had the time to forgive us both for the way we’d handled things in our past. “I carry a lot of guilt over the fact that I think, deep down, I’d stayed with Lemmon to keep from chasing after Lola. The thought makes me worry I’m not the man I’d thought I was.”
“Is it okay if I ask him a question? Is that appropriate in couples therapy?” I ask, mind reeling.
“Yes, Lola, of course. Ryder can choose not to answer them, but you are free to ask.”
“Okay, well…” I chew on my bottom lip. “Do you think I’m terrible for staying with Russ even after I tried to leave?”
Ryder’s brows climb high on his forehead, and he looks like I’ve just struck him. “What? Of course not. Why would you think that?”
“Because you just explained your guilt surrounding Lemmon. It’s the same thing, Ry. I want you to give yourself the same grace you give me.”
“Lola, I appreciate that, but I stayed in that relationship with the knowledge I was using her to keep me grounded.” His words are rough, and it’s hard to listen to him speak so poorly about himself.
“Did you really though? Was it a conscious decision, or have you come to realize that those were your subconscious thoughts all these years later?”
He scratches the nape of his neck, drawing his dark brows together as he sits in silence, mulling over my words. “It was a subconscious decision I’ve come to realize in the last two or three years as I finally learned how to effectively grieve Logan’s death.”
“So what I’m hearing is, you were dealing with the death of your childhood best friend, asuddendeath you weren’t equipped to handle, and after years of being in an unfulfilling relationship with someone who didn’t make you happy but you didn’t outright hate, you learned how to grieve Logan’s death. With that, you came to recognize the true reasons you stayed with Lemmon, and thenyou ended the relationship.Is that accurate?”
He stares at me for so long I worry I’ve said too much or picked things apart in a way that isn’t accurate and managed to offend him, but he breaks the silence with a quivering lip and a single tear. I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone more than I do in this moment. This level of vulnerability feels like he’s stripping himself bare for me, trusting I won’t do anything to hurt him. It’s such an incredible honor.
“That sounds right,” he finally manages to say, choking out the words. “I didn’t go to therapy, but I started reading a bunch of self-help books, namely ones revolving around grief and childhood trauma. I didn’t think Ihadchildhood trauma because my parents have always been supportive of me and given me everything I’ve ever needed to thrive, but the more I read those ‘grieving loss at an early age’ books, the more I realized trauma comes in so many forms. It was unfair to myself not to recognize it for what it truly was: a traumatic experience in my young adulthood. I might not have been a child, but I was too young to deal with it alone.”
“On your questionnaire,” Talia speaks up, reminding me she’s here, “you had mentioned that Lemmon was not supportive of these books and often weaponized Lola. What does that mean?”
Shock ricochets through me at her words, causing me to recoil in my seat.
“Lemmon often belittled me for reading them, suggesting I wasn’t a ‘real man’ because if I was, I’d have gotten over hisdeath more quickly.”
I scoff. “As if grief has anything to do with how manly you are.” I’d love to give that uppity bitch a piece of my mind.
“I know she was wrong, Lols, but her words wore me down. Eventually, when she saw how withdrawn I was, she started to use you as a weapon. She’d tell me if I wanted someone to treat me like a child instead of a grown man, I should have continued to follow you around like a puppy dog. She’d say I’m not a man at all, that I’m definitely not man enough for her. She made sure to tear me down at every turn and would yell at me about how she should’ve been smart like you and left when she had the chance. WhenItried to leave her time and time again, though, she'd change her tune and make me feel like the villain in my own story.”
My heart sinks. “Ry, I neverwantedto leave you. I just wanted you to feel comfortable confiding in me, and I understand why you hadn’t then, but it didn’t make it hurt any less that you’d chosen to share with her, of all people. I don’t blame you for any of it. We were so young,” I tell him, holding his hands a little tighter and pressing a kiss to each of his knuckles.
He smiles, and it cracks my heart in two in the best way, exploding with the love and admiration I can see and feel pouring off him.
“And Lola, do you want to share why you resent Lemmon?”
I let out a huff, not sure I should speak about her at all with how badly she made Ryder feel. I don’t want him to struggle any more than he already does, but I know we’re sharing, and I think he’d rather I get this out than hold it in.
