Page 30 of Loving Trent
I hate lying to Maria, but the thing is, I don’t reallyknowShawn. The things I know are surface level, and I want to know everything about him. The need to rip him open, crawl inside, and never leave is an understatement of the year. Settling back against the tree, I pocket my phone and stare at the house, making sure that no harm comes to Shawn. My arms ache to hold him, especially since the possibility of him having a nightmare tonight is high, but this will have to do for now.
Hours later, when Boe shows up and loads Shawn into his truck, I follow them to the same hospital his attackers were at. I stay in the truck and wait for Shawn to come out. I’d go inside, but Maria is with them, and I don’t want her to ask any more questions right now. After he is released, they head toward Boe’s, and once again, I follow them. Now that I’m sticking around, it’s time to step out of the shadows and make Shawn Foster know he’s mine and he’s safe.
Fifteen
SHAWN
Rolling over, I pull the blanket over my head, hoping that blocking out the sun will help lessen the pounding taking place behind my closed eyes. My ribs are sore, my left eye is swollen a little bit, and my lip is killing me. Taking a deep breath, I wrap my arms around my chest and let out a low groan. Somewhere in the room, my phone rings, and the sound sends little metal balls bouncing around my head. Instead of getting out of bed to answer it, I burrow my head under the pillows. I forced myself out of hiding for Carly yesterday, but I’m not feeling it today.
Carly and my cousin Adam have been married since they were eighteen. A little over a year ago, she started having health issues and did what no one should. She googled her symptoms and convinced herself she had Cancer. It didn’t help when the doctor couldn’t rule it out due to circumstances. When things got worse, she tried to push Adam away, thinking it was better for him than watching her die. Thankfully, Adam didn’t give up on her, and the doctor was finally able to run the test she needed. Thank God she tested negative for Cancer. After the birth of their twin daughters, Carly opted to get a hysterectomy because of her Endometrial Hyperplasia.
Yesterday was her surgery, and there was no way that I wasn’t going to be there for her. Even though I still had those vile and hateful words clinging to me like a wet blanket, I forced myself to act normal. But that only held until the doctor told us Carly was doing great. My body ached even more thanks to jumping every time I thought I heard something. However, it was my heart that hurt the most. The hatred that poured over me like a spring rain, thanks to those strangers, was killing me slowly.
It feels like I’ve been plunged deep into a frozen lake thanks to fear's icy grip. All I see when I close my eyes is their faces. The fact that when pushed came to shove, I froze, crumbling to the ground and letting them hurt me, makes me hate myself a little more every time I think about it. I just let them hit, kick, and even spit on me. There is no way around it, I’m the biggest coward I know. But the question remains, why? Why didn’t I stand up and fight back? Why didn’t I protect myself?
I wish someone would magically appear in front of me with the answer. But sadly, no one does, and no one knows how I’m feeling. I don’t feel safe even if the guys who did this to me are now locked up. The acting police chief called Boe to tell him they had finally found the guys. From my hiding spot under the blankets on Boe’s couch, I overheard what happened. A local farmer was driving home and found six guys beaten the hell up. Jason, the ring leader, was the worst off. He has two broken ribs, a concussion, a broken jaw, both his arms were broken, and a fractured foot. He had to spend the night at the hospital, but would be taken to the county jail as soon as he was cleared. They are being charged with assault and a hate crime, but I still don’t feel safe even with them off the street.
Will I ever feel safe again? More questions with no answer in sight.
What happened was the first time I had ever been hurt by someone who hated me solely because I’m gay. I mean, I’ve heard the hurtful things people have said about gay people, but I wasn’t out, so I tried to not let it bother me. I don’t have my head buried in the sand. I know that there is a majority of people out there who disagree with my sexuality. Still, I’ve never been on the receiving end of their hate. There is nothing I can do to change myself, so I’m just going to have to figure out a way to deal with this.
This isn’t something I can change about myself. Sexuality isn’t like hair color or weight.
The sound of the door opening behind me makes me bury myself deeper into the mattress. “Shawn,” Maria calls into the room. There is still a heavy presence of guilt in her voice, and I hate it, but I don’t have the energy to tell her for the millionth time that what happened isn’t her fault.
“Go away,” I say, my words are muffled by the pillow I’m trying to disappear into. I don’t want anyone to see me like this. Everyone sees me as strong and fierce, so this version of me. Weak. Needy. Yeah, that’s not a side I want anyone to see. It’s too shameful. Tears fill my closed eyes. “Please… Please go away.”
“No. I’m done letting you lie here and hide away from all of us.” The bed dips behind me, and the cover disappears. Even with my eyes shut, the sun pierces through, making the pounding in my head worse.
“Please leave me alone.” My voice wobbles and breaks. I don’t want anyone to see me break down over this. Heat envelopes my face, making the tears rolling down feel like ice.
“Oh, Shawn,” Maria says, gently wrapping her arms around me and pulling my back to her front.
“I’m fine,” I whisper, pulling the pillow I’m clinging to like a child closer against my chest. Maybe if I hold it tight enough,the pain will go away. Maybe my heart won’t completely shatter. Why are people like that? How can they be so fucking cruel?
“No, you’re not, but you will be. I promise you, you will be just fine.”
A throat clears, and the voice of the only person I’m even more embarrassed to see me like this speaks up. “Maria, can you give us a moment?” Zak’s deep voice has the same effect as nails on a chalkboard. My insides twist painfully, goosebumps litter my skin, and shame heats my face.
As soon as Maria’s body heat leaves me, another hot presence is at my back. “Go?—”
“I’m not fucking leaving you, Shawn. You can push everyone away, but I’m not going anywhere. Sammy, Dylan, Mom… hell all of us are going out of our minds worried about you. What happened was sick and terrible. It should never have happened, and it will never happen again. Talk to me. Hell, I’ll let you scream at me or hit me if it makes you feel better, but I’m not leaving you alone to sink into darkness. Doing that means they win.”
Zak presses his big body to mine, his arms gently pulling me back into his chest, and I willingly go. Long ago, I dreamed of him holding me like this and wondered what it would feel like. Zak's arms around me make me feel the same way it did when Sammy would hold me during a thunderstorm when we were little, but unlike back then, the warm feeling of being safe never comes.
I don’t know how I will ever feel safe again. But what I do know is that I have to stop doing this. Hiding, feeling sorry for myself. It’s not me, but I can’t do that right now. So, I tell myself that I can continue to break down for ten more minutes, then I’ll get up and start living again.
The sound of laughter, followed by a deep voice, pierces my dream. I must have fallen asleep in Zak’s arms, but now the bed is empty behind me. When I open my eyes, I’m facing the window and see that the sun has long since set. The black night sky is dotted with bright, twinkling stars. I don’t want to move, but I smell myself, and I feel dirty. I move slowly, mindful of my sore ribs. Once I’m on my feet, the room starts to spin, and I grip the dresser to keep from falling. At least the pounding behind my eyes is no longer there. It takes me way longer than I like to bend down, pick up my duffle bag, and shuffle across the hall to the bathroom.
The doctor said my ribs would be sore for a few weeks and that I should take it easy. The hot water works its magic on loosening up my muscles and making me feel a little bit more alive. I stand under the water until it runs cold, and my teeth start to chatter. Only then do I get out and gently get dressed in a loose shirt and sweatpants. Taking a minute, I look at the blue butterflies on the wall, and for the first time, my lips twitch, but the smile never forms. Just like Zak refusing to leave me alone, the butterflies remind me that my family rallies around the ones we love.
When Emilee was eighteen—actually on her birthday—she tried to kill herself in this very bathroom. Thankfully, our grandpa and Nana were home, and Emilee lived. While she was in the hospital, Adam, Levi, and Parker redid the bathroom, hoping it would help Emilee when she returned home. Parker chose the butterfly wallpaper because of the nickname he had given her.
Boe wanted me to go back to his house after we found out Carly was doing well, but Nana won that argument. She insisted that I come back home with her, and no one was willing to argue with her.
“Hey Nana…” My words die on my tongue as I enter the open living room and dining room. My eyes are glued to the strange man sitting on the paisley couch with his arm thrown up on the back. Sand takes up residence in my mouth, my heart starts racing, and my stomach fucking flips multiple times. I swear this stranger is the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.
He has light brown hair that reminds me of my favorite milk chocolate. It looks soft, and I find myself wanting to stroke it while holding him to my chest. It falls right below his strong, chiseled, square jaw that is covered in stubble like he hasn’t shaved in at least a day. Stubble that I want to feel all over my body, especially on the sensitive skin of my thighs. But what keeps me enthralled is his deep-set brown eyes. For a second, I wonder if he could be the guy that saved me, but then he throws his head back and laughs. The light catches his eyes, and I see a little green in them.
