Page 222 of Inevitable Endings
The shutters are salt-bleached and crooked. The porch swing moans when the wind kicks up. Sand finds its way into everything, and I’ve long since stopped trying to sweep it out. She tracks it in from the dunes, barefoot, her hair damp from swimming, always leaving little traces of where she’s been. I like it that way. I like the evidence of her, as if this place, this life, isn’t real unless she’s left a mark on it.
Just like she has left a mark on me.
There are coffee mugs on every surface. Books turned face-down on the kitchen table. Her shoes at the foot of the stairs, even though she rarely wears them. Our cat, a slow-moving gray beast with judgment in his eyes, naps in patches of sunlight like he pays rent here. We named himOmen. It felt fitting. He walked into the garage one day, bone-thin and hissing, and never left.
Somehow, neither did we.
The garage smells like grease and pine, and I spend most of my mornings there. I don’t rebuild for profit. I do it because engines don’t lie. They tell you exactly what they need. A knock means timing. A rattle means bolts. Nothing cryptic. Nothing veiled in implication. Unlike people. Unlike what we came from. The Bratva feels distant now, like a fever dream I sweated out. But I still have the scars, both under my skin and inside my head. The peace here doesn’t erase them. It just makes them quieter.
I used to think I needed power to survive. Obedience. Fear. Empire. Now I understand what I was really after all that time. I wasn’t hungry for blood. I was starving for stillness. For freedom from always looking over my shoulder. For a kind of life that didn’t ask me to kill for it. I never thought I’d find it. Not with the things I’ve done. But then she came to me. And somehow, this future unspooled from the wreckage.
She’s in the library now.
I built it for her. Not as a gift, not as a symbol. As a truth. The house didn’t come with one. Just a spare room with drafty windows and wood rot in the corners. But she mentioned once, a long time ago, that she dreamed of floor-to-ceiling shelves. Of getting lost in hardcovers and linen-bound volumes with no one interrupting her thoughts. So I built it. Sanded every shelf. Refinished the floor. Installed a window seat that catches the afternoon sun just right. She cried the first time she saw it. Tried to hide it, but I saw.
She reads there now, legs curled beneath her, Omen at herfeet. She underlines passages, writes in the margins. I like to watch her when she doesn’t know I’m there. She still does that thing where she tugs at her lower lip when she’s focused. Sometimes she reads aloud to me without asking if I’m listening. She knows I always am.
We play music too loud. We leave dishes in the sink. She steals my shirts, and I let her. I find her asleep on the porch swing with her book open on her chest and her mouth parted like she’s dreaming something too soft to say out loud. I never wake her. I just sit beside her and listen to the sea and try to memorize the weight of this peace, in case it ever slips away.
I don’t flinch at night anymore.
For years, I did. Even in silence. Even in comfort. I expected violence behind every corner. I slept like a man expecting the knock at the door. But here, she reaches for me in her sleep. Her body curves into mine like it’s muscle memory. And I let myself be still.
She stopped taking birth control last spring. I didn’t ask her to. Not directly. I only told her what was true:
‘‘If it ever happens, I love every piece of it.’’
She has low fertility. We both knew the odds were against us. But I also knew this: I don’t want a son to carry my name. I want a child to carry her light. Her strength. Her softness. If we were meant to create something together, it wouldn’t be a legacy. It would be a miracle.
And now, that miracle is beginning.
She hasn’t told me yet. I found the test this morning, half-tucked behind the sink. Two lines. Faint. Defiant. I stood there for a long time, hand gripping the porcelain, breath locked in my throat. It didn’t feel real. I thought I’d feel fear. Or disbelief. But I didn’t.
I felt reverence.
Like something sacred had been lit inside me. Something Inever thought I deserved.
I haven’t said anything. Not yet. She’ll tell me in her own time, in her own way. I know her well enough to wait. But my hands shook for the first time in years. Not from adrenaline. From awe.
Sometimes I think about the man I was before her. Before the fire. Before the prison. Before I bled for something bigger than myself and watched it all rot anyway. That man was made of armor and hunger. Of ghosts. He didn’t believe in softness. He didn’t trust it.
But I am not that man anymore.
I don’t look over my shoulder for shadows. I don’t tighten when I hear footsteps. I don’t count exits. I don’t live in survival. I live in something else now.
Hope.
Three years ago, I didn’t know if I would live. I was chained to concrete and darkness, feeding on the memory of her voice. But now, the only chain is her fingers curled around mine in the middle of the night. The only darkness is the soft kind that holds you when the day is done.
I never imagined I’d be capable of something like this. Of joy without suspicion. Of stillness without guilt. Of loving her without the need to control or protect. I spent so long keeping hermine, I never thought I could just love her.
But I do. I love her in the quiet. I love her in the small, ordinary messes of our life. I love her in the way she makes this house a home, in the way she folds laundry on the floor because she hates using the table, in the way she sings off-key to old records while making eggs we both forget to eat.
And now, I love her in the form of something else.
Something growing.
Someone waiting.
