Page 44 of Lost in Her
I feel Tristan grab my throat.I open my eyes.He locks his eyes with mine, making me realize this is not a bad dream.This is not all in my head.This is real.“Tristan, please just let me go.”I feel the tears rolling down my face.
Tristan shakes his head as he tightens his grip on my throat hard enough to make my heart race but not hard enough to cut off my air—at least not yet.I know what his hands can do.I have been a victim to them for years.“No, babe, I will never let you go.I need you.I want you.And now I have you.”
“Please, Tristan.”I grab onto his arm, but he doesn’t pull away from me, just looks down at my hands then back up at my face.He leans in so close it makes me lean back, resting my back against the bed frame again.Pinning me between the frame and him, his grip on my throat doesn’t tighten or loosen.He is in complete control of this situation.And I am completely out of control.Inside I am screaming, cussing, but none of it is coming out.
Once again, I feel like the girl I was before I escaped, before I found Ethan.The girl I was starting to feel again has melted away leaving behind the girl that is timid and afraid.
“I like it when you beg.Do it again.”His breath is hot on my face as he keeps his eyes on me, waiting for me to submit.Waiting for me to do as he wants.
And right now, I want to fight.I want to run.But I am frozen, frozen against his strong body.Frozen in place, scared and alone, shattered once again.
“Please, Tristan, let me go.”I state softly, giving him exactly what he wants.I know what he likes and what he doesn’t like.I know a lot about this man who says he wants to love me.
He leans in a little more, his lips almost touching mine.“No.”
I feel the tears continuing to escape my eyes and roll down my face.I shouldn’t be surprised that didn’t work.Tristan is not the type of man to give away things he believes are his.
He pulls me into him connecting his lips to mine.I feel his tongue against my lips and for the life of me I don’t want to open up, but I know what will happen if I don’t.I close my eyes and open my mouth feeling his tongue enter my mouth, tasting me.
His scent and taste completely consume me, confirming that this is not a dream, that after everything I am right back where I was before Ethan.A prisoner to be used.I don’t have a say in what happens to me.I don’t get a say in anything.Because once again my choice has been taken from me.
After all these years I guess I should be used to it by now.But when I escaped, I finally started to think that just maybe,maybeI could heal from what has happened to me and I could learn how to live the life I have always wanted to live.
And now in this room with Tristan, my worst nightmare has come true and the dreams I started to have are now just that—dreams.
I feel my heart continue to race as his free hand pulls down the covers exposing me to him.I am wearing the nightgown he put on me.For all I know he has already had me, and I wouldn’t even know.
It wouldn’t be the first time someone has taken me without my permission.They all have, except for Ethan.He is the only one I have ever given permission to, the only man I have ever actually wanted.
The kiss doesn’t last that long.As he gently pulls back, I open my eyes and look at him.His eyes search mine.There is still no anger, no rage, only desire and longing.He keeps his hand on my naked hip underneath the gown, showing me who is in charge here.
“Why?”I ask the question and at first I don’t even know what I’m asking.But the silence, his stare ...all of it is making me go completely insane.
“Why what, babe?”he asks, tilting his head to the side.His hand is still on my throat, still showing me that he is in charge here, not me.
Never me.
“Why are you doing this to me?”Maybe just this once he will tell me the truth.Maybe just this once he can help me understand why this is happening to me, why he tried so hard to get me, and why he wants me so badly.There must be a reason, and if this is going to be my life I have the right to know that reason.
“That is a loaded question,” Tristan states calmly.I can tell he is thinking.Thinking about my question, thinking about his answer.
“Please just tell me.Please” I’m not hiding my pleading voice, my begging voice.I will beg him if it gets me a truthful answer.
He pulls back a little more continuing to search my eyes.“I fell in love with you the first time I had you.I have tried over the years to buy you.But your father told me no—you were making him too much money.”Tristan says, the rage finally coming out in his voice.I can see the rage building in his eyes at the mention of my father.
Even though they did business together I know that they didn’t really like each other.But they liked the money and the business part, so for years they have been working together, both becoming rich off my pain and suffering.Becoming rich off so many other girls’ pain and suffering.Tristan knows that there are more girls.He even brought some of them to my father.Tristan doesn’t care what it is doing to them—to me—to be used and abused.
“I was his toy,” I whisper, feeling my stomach turn into knots.That is always what I have been.To my father, to the men that came to the studio, to Tristan.I am nothing more than a toy that they can do whatever they want to.
Tristan slowly nods.“Yes, and the more I asked to have you the more he let others have you.Right before you escaped, I finally got him to agree to selling you but then you escaped, and he freaked, but I still got him to sell you to me.”The rage is starting to melt away.His breathing is calmer now as he continues to look into my eyes.
I thought having him tell me the answer would make me feel better.But it doesn’t.It just verifies that my life is fucked up, that I am fucked up.And that my being normal was a foolish dream that can never happen.
I take a deep breath as all his words are sinking in and repeating over and over inside my head.“I don’t understand.”
“Babe, I have loved you for years.And have been trying to help you get away from your father.It just took more time than I wanted.He agreed and then Oliver contacted me and let me know that you were at the center.I knew I had to go get you.But when I showed up Ethan stood up to me and I saw the look in his eyes.”Tristan tightens his grip on my throat making my heart race even more.
Tristan thought he finally got what he wanted, but Ethan ...Ethan was in the way.Images of Ethan flood into my mind, making my heart break.I know he’ll be freaking out that I am gone.
