Page 18 of Lost in Her
I come to a stop at her apartment.I put my hand on the doorknob and take a deep breath because things are about to change once again, and I have no fucking idea what is going to happen next.
Chapter Six
Jennifer
I have been pacing back and forth in front of the front door for the past three hours.Everything here is quiet.Too fucking quiet.I hate it.I get overloaded with my fucked-up thoughts when it is this quiet.But maybe it isn’t the silence that allows my thoughts to become loud and flood me.Maybe it is because I’m sober, completely fucking sober.I can’t remember the last time I was sober like this and, honestly, it makes me uncomfortable.At least when my father forced me to get loaded, I was able to drown out my thoughts and emotions.
Now that I am sober, I can’t drown out shit.When Ethan left he seemed nervous and on edge, which has made me become overly nervous and on edge.He is my calmness.He doesn’t know it, but I felt it in the shower with him.He was able to silence the voices in my head.the demons that haunt me.He is the only one that has been able to do that, and now that he has, I crave that peace, the peace only he is able to provide me.
Which honestly is weird to say because we have only known each other for a little over a week, if that, and I am already feeling like this.Man, I am fucking twisted, more twisted than I ever thought was fucking possible.But feeling Ethan, touching him, hearing his whispers.I can see how we are both twisted in the same way.
Not having him with me makes me anxious, makes me think that something is wrong.And what if something is wrong?What if I am not safe here?What if he doesn’t come back?
I feel my heart racing with every unstable thought.With every negative emotion, I am becoming more and more unhinged.I take a deep breath and continue to pace, counting out loud.
“One, two, three, four, five,” I count, feeling my chest start to tighten.I know soon I will be in a full-blown panic attack and once I get there, there is no undoing it.I will have to fucking ride it out—just like I have done so many times before.
I stop as I hear the doorknob starting to move.I hear someone punching in the code and the door unlocks.I hold my breath as my anxiety starts to fucking increase.I watch the doorknob turn, and the door is pushed open.
Ethan takes two steps inside and the door closes behind him.I feel the tears escaping my eyes and rolling down my face.Sweat covers his forehead as I watch him try and catch his breath.He slowly closes the distance between us and reaches his hands out to me.I want so fucking badly to take them, but I do the one thing I don’t want to do.I take two steps back, making distance between us.Ethan slowly lowers his hands to his sides, his eyes locked onto me.
I want to kiss him and fucking slap him all at the same fucking time.
“Hon—” Ethan starts to say, but I am not ready to hear his words.His words will melt away this anger and fear and I don’t want it to go away, not yet.I want to fucking feel it.I make no sense—none of this makes any sense.
I put up my hand, stopping him.I feel the tears building in my eyes.I am a fucking mess, a wreck.I don’t know what is wrong with me or what I am feeling.I just know he left me alone.He had to go, I know that.I was ready for that until he fucking walked out the door, then the strength I thought I had melted away, and my voices came back.
Voices screaming at me to run, but I didn’t.My body fucking aches.my head aches.Everything fucking hurts, and the only time it doesn’t is when he is here.And now he is here, and I am fucking terrified.I am a mess.
He takes a deep breath.
“You left me here,” I say in a low shaky voice, processing my own words as I state them.
“Hon.”He takes a step toward me, but I take another step back, seeing the hurt in his eyes, but I am fucking pissed.
“You told me to wait for you.I did, I waited.You left me here by myself,” I am speaking so low I can barely hear myself.
