Page 51 of Lost in Her
“Your father did this to you?”Tristan asks in a low voice.
“Yes, and the others, too.”I look at him closely.I can see concern and anger in his eyes.Which honestly makes my heart race.This Tristan I don’t know.He is not normally like this.
Tristan has always been good at fucking with people mentally and emotionally.He has done it to me for years.
Even the heroin couldn’t take away all the pain of the torture my father and the others did.I wish my father gave me more drugs, but he didn’t—he only gave me enough to not fully fight the men and him off.But my father was a horrible, sick man, and I knew he wanted me to feel the pain.
Tristan gently places his hands against my back, making my heart stop.He slowly looks up my back then locks eyes with mine.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
“You didn’t do it,” I snap back.I don’t like this Tristan.I want the other one, the only one I know so well.The Tristan I have prepared myself for.Not this Tristan.Not the man showing hurt and sadness.
He doesn’t get to fucking do this.He doesn’t get to come in here after kidnapping me, after taking away my choices, and say he’s sorry like this.He doesn’t get to come in here and make me see a side of him that I never wanted to see.
This doesn’t change that I hate him, that I want him to die.That I want to die for what he is promising me.He wants to make me his wife, keep me locked away from the world.The world I want so badly to be a part of.
“No, but I didn’t stop it either.I tried.I really did try,” he states in a softer voice, the pain coming through making my heart race.
What the fuck is happening?
“I know.”Are the only words I can say.I don’t know what to say to this Tristan.I don’t know what the fuck is going on.
He takes a deep breath and drops his hands down.I slowly turn around and face him, tightening my arms around myself.He is close enough that I can feel his body heat.
He locks eyes with me again.“I promise no one will ever touch you like that again.”He has so much confidence my heart stops for a moment.It stops because I know his words are true.I know that he wouldn’t let anyone touch me like that or at all because now he believes I am his, that I belong to him.
What he feels for me is not love.It is ownership, that’s all it is, which makes my stomach twist into knots.
I tilt my head to the side and search his eyes.He is telling the truth.I believe his words.He is a horrible man, a fucking gangster for fuck’s sake, but in this moment he just looks like a normal guy saying words that any normal guy would say.
But we are not normal.I am not normal.He is not normal.And no matter how much I fucking want to be it will never come true.Tristan has proven that to me because normal people don’t buy and own someone they love.
“Why do you care, Tristan.?”I ask, continuing to search his eyes.I want the fucking truth.I don’t want the games.I just want the truth from him.
“You know why.”His voice is no longer shaky.The shame and guilt are starting to fade, being replaced with calmness and desire, a desire that scares the fuck out of me.He will be disappointed with me.I am not who he thinks I am.
There is nothing special about me.There never has been.
I feel my fear slowly turning into burning rage, his answers making me angry.They make my blood boil.He acts as if he’s so much better than Ethan, so much better than the other men who have touched and tortured me.He is no better.“You are no better than those men.You might not have tortured me like them, but you have raped me, claimed me, kidnapped me.What makes you think you are better than they are?”
His eyes continue to search mine, and I know he can see that I am guarded about everything he is trying to say to me.Why the fuck would I ever want to be with a man like him?
He thinks he loves me, but you don’t kidnap, rape, and hold someone against their will when you love them.What he believes is love is a fucked-up version that I want nothing to do with.
“I’m not better, Jennifer.But I plan on trying to be.”Man, he is good.
His words catch me off guard.I take a step back, the mirror stopping me from making more distance between us.I don’t like this.I don’t want him this close, acting like this.It makes me nervous.I can feel myself becoming a little more unhinged inside.There are so many things that are uncertain right now.And his acting like this makes me feel like there are even more things becoming uncertain.That maybe I don’t know Tristan at all.
I feel the cold glass against my skin.Tristan takes a step towards me.I tighten my grip around myself.
He slowly lifts his hands and cups my face.
He doesn’t say a damn word, he just leans in and connects his lips to mine.My entire body stiffens.I hate that my body reacts to him the way it does.It goes against me, too, doesn’t give me a choice.
I want to fucking scream.And cry and run.I want to show Tristan that no matter what he does or says it doesn’t change anything.
But just like before when he is around me, when he touches me, I am frozen, unable to do anything but take what he wants to give me.I feel weak, broken, and vulnerable.
