Page 32 of Lost in Her
Chapter Eleven
Ethan
I slowly get up from the bed and look down at Jenn.She is finally asleep.I held her as she cried.But she didn’t cry for her father’s death like someone might think she would—or like someone might think sheshould.No, she was crying because she no longer had to fear him.
She didn’t hate me, yell at me, cuss at me or hit me for what I did.She made love to me for what I did to her father.She gave me herself once again to show me that what I did was justified and okay.
What a fucked-up world we live in.But this life I wouldn’t change for anything.
This life I know and understand.I don’t know what it feels like to be normal because I have never been normal.
I have tried to be normal but society cast me out for what I have done.They don’t understand me, not like she does.She is as shattered and damaged as I am and that is why our love is so strong in such a short amount of time.We have become addicted to each other like we need air to stay alive.I didn’t even realize I was doing it until tonight.She is my lifeline to a life I never thought I deserved, but now I want more than anything, with her by my side.
I slowly lean down and gently brush the back of my hand against her cheek.She doesn’t move.She doesn’t wake.She knows that she is safe here with me.She knows that I won’t hurt her, and I will never let anyone hurt her again.
It is crazy to think that I lived my life so long without her.And now that I have her, I know I can’t live one day without her in this world.
Killing her father’s men was easy.Killing her father was even easier.I have tried so hard to escape the man my father made me.I tried to escape the person I didn’t know in the mirror and now I realize that I have been him all along.He was just caged.The darkness inside me was just waiting for the right moment to come back to the surface.
I felt the darkness in me as I pulled the trigger in that studio.I got off on the rush of having the power and control over their lives.I am just shattered and fucked up to the core and it would be stupid of me to try and act like I’m not.I’m a good man now—I have done many good things since meeting Shawn.But my good deeds do not outweigh the bad things I have done in my life.
I put on my sweatpants and make my way out of the room and down the hallway into the living room.The apartment is quiet and still.The only sound I can hear is the clock on the wall telling me that everyone else in this complex is still asleep.
We have saved hundreds of people over the years since opening this place and after seeing the studio and what they were doing there, it makes me realize that we need to make a bigger impact.We need to do so much more than what we have been doing.There are still so many women suffering in our city.And we need to save them all.We need to fucking put an end to the suffering in our city.But I know it is an upward battle.Something we will always be battling against.
There are too many bad men out there that want to do bad things.And there are not enough of us standing up saying that it is enough.There are not enough of us that are willing to step up and go in and stop them.
I take a deep breath and run my hands through my hair.So many things to do, so many things to try and prepare for.But that is the key word right there—things we must try and prepare for.No matter how much we prepare, I don’t think we will ever be fully ready.
I hear a light knock on the door, pulling me out of my rabbit hole thoughts.My whole fucking brain is a damn rabbit hole these days.I look up at the clock and see it is just past 2:00 AM.I walk over to the table and grab my gun, lifting it up as I make my way to the door.I slowly crack it open.Shawn is standing still with his hands in his front pockets.He looks at the gun, then at my face, and shakes his head and smiles.He takes a few steps back as I open the door and step out.
I lower my gun to my side and watch Shawn looking right at me, his eyes searching mine.I know he’s worried about me after what went down in the studio.If he hadn’t stepped in, I would have shot Tristan right in the face.And right now, I am regretting not taking his life.I should have.
“I’m okay, Shawn,” I whisper, my voice still shaky.I hate that I feel things so deeply.People like me shouldn’t.But I do.I have always been this way, even before meeting Shawn.
“Are you?”he asks, tilting his head to the side.
I take a deep breath and slowly make my way to his side, looking out at the forest.He turns around and crosses his arms over his chest, both of us looking out at the peaceful forest in front of us.I wish my thoughts were as peaceful as the forest we are looking at.But I don’t think that will ever happen.
I always have too many things going on inside my head.Too many things that make it not a peaceful place.My head is more like hell, and the only time it seems to be quieter is when I am with Jenn.She silences the voices and allows me to feel the peace that others feel.
Peace that I know I don’t deserve after what I have done in my life.Maybe this is my consequence for being the person I am, haunted by the thoughts and memories of what I did and didn’t do.
“Yes, I am okay,” I state softly, needing to hear myself say it.Maybe if I say it enough my brain will start to believe it.They say if you tell yourself a lie long enough you believe it’s true.Well, with any luck they aren’t lying.Because, honestly, right now I’d rather believe a lie than the truth.
The truth that I have started a war.The truth that maybe not all of us are going to make it out alive.And the truth that I will have to allow the monster inside me to once again consume me.It is the only way I can take another life.To allow myself to feel the darkness, live in the darkness.
“I’m worried about you,” Shawn murmurs, pulling me out of my rabbit hole thoughts.He always seems to know when I’m starting to fall.And he is always right there to make sure I don’t.He is a brother I never asked for, but I am grateful I have.
I never asked for any of this and even though things might get fucking destroyed I wouldn’t change a thing because it brought me my family.It brought me Jenn.
“I know.”I whisper.I don’t know what else to say to him.
Shawn takes a deep shaky breath.“I’m worried about who you will need to become before this is over.”
“What?”is the only thing I can say.I don’t know why I asked him the question.I already know his answer.This is not the first time we have had this conversation, and I doubt that it will be the last.I am not the only one who cares very deeply.Shawn cares so much about so many people and things.
