Page 22 of The Vegas Rerun
Knowing that there is something between us makes me think about telling him about Autumn. Keeping her from him nags at me, especially when I see him so often now. When I hear his voice, watch the way he commands a room, observe the way he interacts with others, it makes me want to see him with Autumn. I think he would be a good dad, firm but fair, and I think I would just about melt watching him with his daughter.
It's crazy to think that I have a secret that could change Joshua’s whole life. I could tell him at any time that he has a child. My child. And I want to tell him. I really do. But I’m afraid. Of what, I’m not sure. If he wants nothing to do with us, then nothing changes for us. If he wants to be a part of Autumn’s life,that could only be a good thing. And I can see no reason why he would try to take her away from me, and even if he did, there’s no way a court would allow that. Maybe I’m just overthinking it.
Some days, I convince myself that I should tell him the truth. That he deserves to know he’s a father. And then on other days, I remind myself that we’ve been just fine without him. Autumn has never wanted for anything, and I’ve built a stable life for us both. What if telling him only makes things worse? I guess that’s my biggest fear – that somehow, Autumn ends up getting hurt in all of this. What if I let him into her life and then he bails and leaves her devastated. But then what if I don’t tell him and she resents me for keeping her from having a relationship with her dad.
Why does it have to be so complicated? That question rattles in my head, unanswered, as I make my way to the break room one afternoon for a cup of coffee.
I hear them before I even reach the door - a group of employees chatting by the coffee machine. Their laughter spills into the hallway, and I pause for a second, listening without meaning to.
"I mean, look at Elon Musk," one of the women is saying. "So many women have tried having his baby just to get a piece of his fortune. Can you imagine doing that? It’s so icky. Some people will do anything for a payday."
"Right? And it’s not just celebrities, either," another voice chimes in. "Rich guys have to be careful. There are women out there who’ll do whatever it takes to trap them."
The words hit me like a slap in the face. My fingers tighten around the empty coffee mug in my hands. Is that what Joshua would think if I came clean now? That I’m trying to trap him?
The idea makes my stomach churn. I don’t need his money. I never have. Autumn and I have been fine without him for three years, and nothing about that has changed.
No. I can’t tell him. Not now. Maybe not ever. I turn away from the break room without grabbing myself a cup of coffee, my appetite for it long gone. I’m afraid that if I go in there now, I will be drawn into their conversation, and if that happens, I’m afraid I’ll end up blurting out my secret, and the only thing worse than me telling Joshua about Autumn is me telling some of his employees about her instead so he can hear it through the grapevine.
I tell myself my decision is final. That keeping Autumn a secret is the right thing to do.
But doubt lingers at the edges of my mind, whispering to me when I least expect it. It’s stupid, I think, to make such an important decision based off office gossip. Joshua isn’t Elon Musk. And I’m not some desperate woman trying to cash in on a billionaire’s fortune.
I wrestle with these thoughts as I work, as I go through my daily tasks, as I steal glances at Joshua when he’s not looking.
Then, one afternoon Danielle, the secretary to the CFO, strikes up a conversation with me as we file paperwork together.
"So, how are you liking the new job?" she asks, smiling as she slides a folder into a drawer in one of the huge filing cabinets.
"It’s great," I say honestly. "Busy, but I like it."
She nods her head knowingly.
"Yeah, being a secretary to one of the higher ups is no joke,” she says. “There’s a lot to learn and it seems the higher up they are, the more particular they are, but once you get the hang of things, it’s not so bad."
"Yeah, I enjoy it. And Mr Redfern has been strict but professional," I say carefully.
"Oh, he’s always professional," she agrees. Then, lowering her voice, she adds, "But you know, he’s had his fair share of drama."
I pause. I shouldn’t be gossiping about my boss like this, but I can’t resist asking her what she means by that.
"What sort of drama?" I say, trying to sound casual.
Danielle gives me a look, like she’s excited to find someone who doesn’t know so she can pass on the gossip. She looks around to make sure we are still alone before she starts to talk.
"The sort of drama that comes with being a rich, goodlooking guy who is dating. He’s careful, very guarded now. But there was this one time his ex-girlfriend, Sophie, told him that she was pregnant. He was freaking out. I’ve never seen him so stressed. I think he was actually dreading it. He’s the kind of guy who likes to be in control, you know? The idea of being tied to someone like that? He hated it. And where kids are concerned, well control kind of goes out of the window doesn’t it?"
I can’t breathe. That kind of reaction was one of my worst-case scenarios if I chose to tell Joshua about Autumn. Poor Sophie.
"So, what happened?" I ask, my voice barely above a whisper.
Danielle shrugs.
"It turned out to be a false alarm. She wasn’t pregnant after all, and he was relieved. Like, insanely relieved," she says. she looks around again and then moves in closer to me. “Between me and you, I don’t think it was a false alarm. I think Sophie said it to get him to commit to her and then when he freaked out, she back tracked.”
A weight drops in my stomach, heavy and cold. There it is. The confirmation I didn’t know I was waiting for. Joshua doesn’t want kids. I should be pleased that the decision has been made for me, but I’m not. I actually hate the fact that my hand has been forced.
Or has it? Just because Joshua didn’t want a child then it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want one now. Maybe things havechanged. But can I really take that risk? Can I risk telling him about Autumn, only to have him resent her? Regret her?
