Page 10 of The Question of Us
“If I had the energy, I’d make some sarcastic comment about that being a first, except you’ve been quiet about too many things these last three weeks, Nick.” A little pointed, maybe, but I wasn’t past being pissed off about the whole thing. “Do what you need to, and when you’re done, I’ll either be here or I won’t.I’m not gonna chase you, Nick. I don’t have the energy or the inclination.”
He nodded. “Understood.”
So, he wasn’t going to fight for me. I thought I couldn’t hurt any more. “But please remember one thing.”
He nodded. “I’m listening.”
But was he? “Remember this isn’t only about you. In the last few months, whenever things got too uncomfortable for you, you went dark on me. Just stepped away. Now even I know that’s not how a relationship works. You don’t get to stand outside ofusand decide whether or not you think we will work. You don’t get to step in and out ofusdepending on how the wind is blowing just because you have shit going on, or it’s all happening too fast, or it’s too close to losing your husband. Weallhave shit going on and we’re supposed to work through that shittogether.”
Before I could protest, Nick bundled me against the open door, his eyes shiny with tears. I didn’t fight. I couldn’t. His body had always felt so right against mine.
With his lips just a breath away from mine, his grey eyes staring deep into my own, he said, “I meant every word of what I said. How I feel about you. All of it. I’ve fallen hard, Mads. Maybe that’s part of the problem right now. It’s too close to what I’ve lost once already. I want you so much it hurts.”
I gave up on holding back my tears. “But not enough to fight for thistogether, right?”
Nick blinked but said nothing, and when he leaned in to kiss me, I turned my head. He hesitated and kissed my cheek instead.
And then he walked away.
I closed the door before he’d even reached his car and put my back to it. The crunch of tyres on gravel picked apart the last stitches holding me together, and a wash of grief coursed through me.
It might not be done between us, but damn, it felt like it.
“Oh, shit.” Gazza raced through the lounge to pull me into his arms. “Goddamn that man. I’m gonna kill him.”
CHAPTER THREE
Nick
“Dammit,”I growled, shoving my keyboard to the side and startling Shelby, whose lithe body lay stretched behind my monitor. It was either that or throw the damn thing across the room and risk smashing it. Not the result I was looking for since Davis’s keyboard always messed up my Bluetooth which meant I’d have to buy myself a new one.
I considered Shelby as she settled back into position, her presence in my office a new and quite frankly unsettling development in our relationship. A few weeks at Mads’ place and she’d become almost domesticated. Not my doing, for sure. Mads connected with Shelby in a way I never had, and I couldn’t even be pissed about it.
As if she’d heard, Shelby opened a critical eye, almost daring me to say the words out loud. In short order, she closed it again, clearly of the opinion that it wouldn’t be worth her effort to move.
I sighed and drummed my fingers on the desktop, searching for that elusive calm I needed to work. As if to punish me, the memory of Mads running his fingers through my hair asI’d fussed over my laptop at his place hit me like a bolt from nowhere. His touch often had this magical effect on my mood, lifting me from the sucking mud of uncertainty into a better place... when I let it. But of course, being me, I didn’t always let it. Sometimes all I wanted was to curl my anger and loss and fear around me like a warm blanket and hide from the world. Hide from Mads. Hide from his caring ways. His constant presence. Always there for me if only I’d get my head out of my arse and let him in.
I didn’t even understand the fight anymore; it had become habit as much as anything else. He’d understand, of course. No, he alreadyunderstood. That wasn’t his issue and I fucking knew it. Mads didn’t need me to tell him what was going on, he knew. He simply wanted to be included in the conversation as it applied to us and not be swept to the sidelines. Go figure.
“Nice going there, arsehole,” I grumbled into the silent room, which begged the question of why I couldn’t seem to give Mads what he needed.
Because you’re scared of moving on.
Fuck me.It truly sucked when your unconscious offered up pithy solutions that reeked of an uncomfortable truth. Was I scared? Hell yeah, I was. But not just of leaving behind what Davis and I had shared and built so quickly to make a new life together. I was also terrified of taking that plunge and then somehow losing Mads as well. Maybe in that ridiculous hair-brained scheme he had to follow up on Lee. Or maybe just because I was me and I’d fuck things up as I usually did. Davis had done his best with me. He was Teflon-coated when it came to my arseholery. But Mads was an entirely different kettle of fish. I was already hurting him and we hadn’t even been together that long. If I fully opened my heart and committed to a future only to find he couldn’t deal with me any longer, what then?
I rubbed at the owl over my chest and stared at the office ceiling. “Fuck you, Mum. Fuck you for leaving me behind. And fuck that bastard for giving you no option.” I didn’t blame her anymore, not really. My father was a different story. Then again, he was dead. But that didn’t mean the anger had gone, just that it didn’t have a safe home anymore. It kind of free floated in my life, landing on anything that got in my way.
Landing on Mads.
The plaster centrepiece on the ceiling blurred and I lifted the hem of my T-shirt to wipe my eyes. Then I dragged my keyboard back in front of the screen and prayed for that familiar clarity and peace. Spreadsheets, data, numbers, and the hunt for fraud had always been my happy place, my path of peace. But not today, it seemed.
I’d been working on this particular client’s books since five in the morning, when I’d given up trying to sleep and headed to my office. Three hours later and I’d managed to make more mistakes than a rookie accounting clerk on his first job. Thank fuck it wasn’t evidentiary work for the police; I clearly wasn’t ready for that leap. If they saw the current mess I’d got myself into, they’d rip up my contract and kick me down the road.
I reached behind the monitor to scratch Shelby’s head. “I thought cats were supposed to bring calm to the work environment.”
Shelby suffered the indignance of my affection a few seconds longer, then nipped my finger to indicate my time was up. Only Davis and now Mads could freely lay their hands on her, it seemed.
“On me too, Shelby girl. Me too.” The pit in my stomach widened at the memory of waking to Mads watching me from the doorway. Had that only been yesterday? Shelby wasn’t the only one missing his presence.
