Page 39 of Catching Kyle
The waiter comes to take our check, and Susan leans forward onto the table, nodding. “Learn from them, from me, from other people you trust. Look at how they see you. Learn to see how you’re lovable. Pretty soon their love for you will become your own.
My chest warms at her words. They feel true.
“Thanks,” I say, my mood becoming a tad brighter. “I think you’re right.”
“It’s my pleasure,” she says. “So do you still think you’re incapable of loving the right way?”
I frown, thinking. “Well, no. Because I still don’t love David. I just…wasn’t loving myself.” I’m surprised the words are coming from myself and not her.
She nods somberly. “Exactly.”
My body relaxes, and things aren’t looking so ashen anymore. I’m not cursed after all. I just had to dig deep into my feelings to discover what was really wrong.
“Is there anything else?” she asks.
I suck on my bottom lip. “I think I need to make an amends,” I say, thinking of Kyle. “To my friend I blew up at. As well as Amani.”
“I think is a kind thing to do,” she says. “And remember you are also making amends to yourself. Think about the way you’ve been treating yourself all this time, trying to be someone you’re not. That hurts. Give yourself that kindness you deserve.”
I feel as if I’ve been swaddled in a blanket just out of the dryer. “I think I will.”
* * *
The next day, I meet up with Amani and Skye after book club for writing group.
Amani pulls me aside before I sit down. “Are you okay?” She asks me in the corner of the coffee shop.
I give her a tight hug. “I’m fine,” I say, pulling away. “Just dealing with some trauma is all.”
Her shoulders relax. “You seem better, though.”
I reflect on my conversation with Susan. “I am. I’m sorry I ran off from you that night.”
She laughs. “It’s okay. At least you got to have some fun.”
Flashes of the sex I had with Greg run through my mind. “I guess it could have been worse. But what about you? Did you and that…?”
She nods, unable to hold her grin back. “I got her number. We’re going out to dinner this weekend.”
I squeal and hug her again. “You get it, girl. I’m so happy for you.”
“Hey!” Skye says from a nearby table. “I know I haven’t known Amani long, but I wanna hear the good news, too!”
Amani and I laugh and sit down with Skye, giving her all the details.
“Sounds like your ex is a dick,” she says.
“Tell me about it,” I say.
And then we get to our critiques. Even though I blew up on Kyle on Saturday, I did take his advice to heart. I went back and looked at my novel with a critical eye toward internal conflict. I read up and watched a bunch of videos on it too. And then it started to make sense. I built character profiles for my two main love interests, really digging into their internal workings, and rewrote the first two chapters of my book. That’s what I’m sharing with Amani and Skye tonight. I hope the romance is much more intimate now.
Amani shares some scene sketches she has for her new fantasy novel, and both Skye and I love it. We give her advice on how to weave it into her outline.Skye shares about a romance she’s writing between two transgender characters at university, and her banter is publishable quality.
And then we get to me.
As I read a portion of my first chapter out loud while the others read along, my nerves overwhelm me. What if this is somehow worse than before? What if I have to scrap this whole idea? Or worse: what if my writing is somehow worse, negating everything I learned yesterday with my sponsor?
“Holy shit,” Amani says when I finish.
