Page 56 of Knot Your Problem, Cowboy
The door at the top opens into what can only be described as hell having a midlife crisis. Red string lights cast everything in a demonic glow that has everyone looking vaguely sunburned. Fake flames made from red and orange cellophane flutter in front of a fan that’s seen better days. Plastic pitchforks stand in vases like the world’s most concerning flower arrangements, and are those plastic skulls from the dollar store?
But thepièce de résistanceis definitely the cardboard cutout of a shirtless man propped in a chair. Someone has enhanced his abs with black Sharpie and made him a tail made from Christmas tinsel. A speech bubble has been added to his mouth, reading “Welcome to my lair, ladies.”
“Join us,” Loretta announces grandly, “in hell! Population: us!”
Three women are already present, each sporting their own interpretation of the theme. The woman closest to us, probably mid-forties with purple-tinted hair, wears full bat wings that definitely came from a Halloween costume. She’s paired them with a T-shirt readingSinnerin glittery letters.
“Everyone, this is June and Sophia,” Lorettaannounces. “Sophia’s new in town and living at Wild Hearts Ranch!”
The room erupts in excited chatter, all three women talking at once.
“Oh my God, is it true?” Bat Wings leans forward eagerly, wineglass already half empty. “We heard you were a mail-order bride for those three cowboys!”
I nearly choke on air. “A what?”
June starts giggling beside me, pressing a hand to her mouth. “I hadn’t heard that one. That’s amazing.”
“Well, what else would a young woman from the city be doing out here?” This from a woman wearing a surprisingly normal outfit except for light-up devil horns.
My face burns. “I’m in the midst of inheriting the ranch. Rose was?—”
“Oh, we know who she was,” the third woman interrupts. She’s wearing a shirt that readsI’d Sell My Soul for Chapter 8and has added a red feather boa for flair. “Lovely woman. But you, a pretty Omega living with three handsome cowboys? The math writes itself.”
“Any girl who lands that pack is going to be lucky,” Light-up Horns adds with a knowing look. “And exhausted. Lord have mercy, can you imagine? All that stamina.”
They all laugh, and I try to join in, but my face is burning for entirely different reasons now. If only they knew I’d had Walker pressed between my legs justearlier today, his hands everywhere, his mouth doing things that definitely belonged in chapter eight of the demon book.
“Let’s get you girls some wine and get started!” Loretta claps her hands. “Dolly, Rita, Karen, make room on the couch.”
June and I sink onto a love seat facing the fireplace, which has been decorated with paper flames. We exchange looks, both trying desperately not to laugh. This is unlike any book club I’ve ever heard of.
“First things first,” Loretta announces, producing two jars that might have once held pasta sauce. “Everyone needs their demon name for the evening. Take one slip from each jar.”
I reach in and pull out two pieces of paper. “Writhing Muffin,” I announce, and June completely loses it, nearly sliding off the couch in her laughter.
“Mine’s Throbbing Crumpet,” she gasps between giggles. “Why are half of these baked goods?”
“I ran out of sexy nouns,” Loretta admits cheerfully. “But baked goods can be very sensual! Have you ever watched someone eat a chocolate croissant? Pure seduction.”
“Now, let’s start with a quick recap for our new members,” she continues, settling into what’s clearly her designated chair, a throne-like thing that might have come from a community theater production. “Who wants to summarizeInfernal Temptation?”
Rita, the one with light-up horns, raises her handenthusiastically. “Ordinary girl Serena accidentally summons hot demon prince Malphas while trying to make a soufflé?—”
“It was a summoning circle, not a soufflé,” Dolly corrects, her bat wings rustling.
“The flour made a circle! Same difference. Anyway, demon prince appears, there’s a binding contract involving his ability to claim her soul through orgasms?—”
“Seven orgasms specifically,” Karen adds helpfully, adjusting her feather boa. “Very important plot point.”
“Right, seven orgasms, and she has to resist while he tries increasingly creative methods to seduce her.” Rita fans herself with her hand. “Chapter eight being the most creative.”
“The tail thing,” everyone says in unison, then dissolves into hollering laughter. It’s contagious, and I find myself joining in.
June leans over to whisper in my ear, “I have so many questions about the mechanics of that scene.”
“I may need to borrow your book after this and read this scene.”
“Now,” Loretta states, pulling out what appears to be an actual cauldron—plastic, but still impressively theatrical. “Before we discuss the literary merits of tail-related seduction, we need to vote on which local man would make the best demon prince.”
