Page 157 of The One I Hate
“Thanks, man,” I say. “I hate that guy.”
“I met him today, and I get why. He was asking me if there were going to be strippers here. When I told him there weren’t he asked if I could hire some.”
“Asshole,” I say. “Not you. Him. You’re not an asshole. You’re my friend.”
“You’re my friend too. And you want to know what friends do?”
“What’s that?”
“Shots.”
I point to him because that’s the best idea I’ve heard all night. “You’re right!”
“Guys! Picture!”
I drunkenly turn toward the sound of Oliver’s voice, who’s pointing his phone at us. I don’t know what pose Emmett andI make, but I know it has to be reminiscent of photos we took together freshman year at Tennessee. Our chests puffed. Holding a beer like we’re fucking cool. Only thing different is my hair is better and I can actually grow facial hair.
And oh, I’m going to be a daddy.
“Hey! Everyone!” I yell as I awkwardly climb to stand on a table. Will it hold me? I think it will. It only wobbles once. “Can I say a few words?”
Someone cuts the music from the jukebox.
“I just want to say thank you to everyone for coming out tonight. Y’all are the fucking best!”
A quick round of applause hits before I motion for them to stop. “I really want to say thanks to my best friends in the whole entire fucking world. Wes, Oliver, and Shane, I fucking love you guys. Thank you for this.”
The three of them hold up their beers as the rest cheer. Well, Oliver does it before quickly snapping a picture. He’s the photographer of the group for a reason.
“Porter, thanks for letting us have the bar tonight.”
“Thanks for paying,” he says, which gets a laugh from the crowd.
“Least I can do. Oh! And when you’re hungover tomorrow, make sure to go to Mona’s for your fix of hangover food. Think of it as helping to support my daughter’s college fund. Now everyone enjoy the night! I’m going to be a daddy!”
Another round of applause erupts as I jump off the table and somehow don’t break anything.
“Nice speech,” Wes says. “You only swore once.”
“I know. Pretty proud of myself.”
The two of us laugh and collapse into our seats. “I used to say fuck so much I thought that was going to be Magnolia’s first word.”
I laugh. “What was it?”
“Dada.”
That hits me square in the chest. I hadn’t even thought about things like first words. Or first steps. Or first anythings.
“Holy shit. In a few weeks I’m going to have a little girl and pretty soon she’s going to do those things. Am I ready for her to do those things? Do I need to babyproof the house now? I thought I had time to do that since the first few months she’s pretty much unable to move without me or Charlie.”
Wes nods. “Can I give you advice?”
“Please, for the love of God, give me advice. And honestly, the fact that you’re waiting until now to do it is a little rude.”
Wes laughs. “You’re going to want be there for all the firsts. Every parent does. The problem is, kids are on their own schedule and do things when they want, not really giving a shit who’s around to see it.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
