Page 106 of The One I Hate
Simon
“So guys, what do we want to talk about?”
Zero laughter from my three best friends.
Rude.
“Oh, come on,” I say as I walk back to the fire pit at Wes’s. It might be October, but it’s not too cold that we can’t enjoy a night outside. “You have to admit, that was funny.”
“Is this a time for jokes?” Wes asks, signaling to the seat they left open for me. “That wasn’t sarcastic. I’m genuinely curious. I don’t know how to act right now.”
“It is,” I say, grabbing the beer from Shane’s hand. “Jokes. Or congratulations. Anything that can be classified in the happy or joyful department.”
I twist open the bottle as my friends remain silent. I knowwhatthey want to talk to me about, which makes sense. If I found out one of them, after years of saying they’d never settle down, is not only in a committed relationship, but also expecting a child, I’d be acting the same way.
I sit back and observe as they have a silent conversation, which we are damn good at doing. We perfected it freshman year in English class when we were separated into the four corners ofthe classroom because we couldn’t stop talking. Well, Oliver and I couldn’t. Wes and Shane were guilty by association.
They give a nod and turn their sights back to me. And if I had to take a guess, I’m going to assume that Shane kicks this off with his brand of stoic interrogation.
“Simon, we need you to repeat what you said earlier today, just to make sure we’re not living in an alternate reality.”
Nailed it.
“I say a lot of things, Shane.”
“Don’t fuck around Simon. Did you or did you not say that you—the man who doesn’t like getting dirty—is about to be elbows deep in diapers for the next few years because he’s about to become a father?”
I couldn’t contain my smile if I tried. “Yes, Shane. In fact, I did say, in front of you, our friends and family, and the entire town, that I, along with my beautiful girlfriend Charlie, are expecting a child this spring.”
It’s Wes’s turn to take over the questioning.
“You and Charlie are together?”
“We are.”
“And you’re having ahumanchild?”
“Indeed. Right now it’s the size of a kumquat.”
“And you know that you can’t hype it up on sugar then give it away? Like, it’s yours. Forever.”
“I do. And I prefer to callitBaby Bug, so please address my unborn child properly.”
“Jesus fucking Christ…” Shane mumbles, apparently not liking the tone of my responses. “Simon. This is for real. This is not you wanting to be a DJ for a day because it seems like fun.”
“He knows that,” Oliver says in my defense. “Right? Youdoknow that?”
I hold up my beer to Oliver. “I do. But thank you for giving me the benefit of the doubt. Back up to number one best friend.”
That makes him smile. “Good. Feels right to be back at the top.”
“Can we focus?” Wes yells before turning his attention back to me. “Simon, please, tell us how we got here. And I swear to Christ, if you give me a smart ass remark about how babies are made, I’m going to punch you.”
“Well I wouldn’t need to tell it to you. You have three kids. Now Shane, maybe…”
“Simon…”
Shane’s near growl, along with a head shake from Wes and a concerned look on Oliver’s face, means the sarcastic portion of tonight’s talk has come to a close. Which is sad. I had a few jokes in the chamber about Wes having to now share the daddy spotlight with me.
