Page 17 of Wrap Around
“It’s okay,” she whispers, kissing the top of the baby’s messy hair. The little one snuggles into Lily’s arms and closes her eyes.
“Did they really all shun you?” I ask in barely a whisper. I can’t imagine how someone as well-liked as Lily could be treated so poorly.
I worried about her after I left, of course I did. I knew she’d be judged and treated differently, but I assumed that them getting married would alleviate most of that pressure. No part of me ever considered that she would be that miserable, and my stomach hurts knowing she needed my support and protection and I wasn’t there for her.
“Once we were married and she was born, people started getting used to the idea. None of my friends were allowed to even look atme when I was pregnant, though. Sarah Beth got pulled out of public school, which she blamed me for. And Zac’s family moved away entirely.”
“That’s awful. I can’t imagine he was very happy about that.”
Zac was a kid in our co-op that went to school with us. He was a short, skinny little dude with curly brown hair and huge black-rimmed glasses that made him look like an owl. He was super smart like Lily, so they got along really well. Almost everywhere Lily went, there he was. They used to compete on their tests when we homeschooled together. When Zac was allowed to enter a science fair, as long as he used a Christian theme, she helped him with his display even though she wasn’t allowed to attend the event. Losing friends would have been hard enough, but losing her nerdy little tail had to be the hardest of all.
“Yeah, they moved to Arkansas. I heard he got a scholarship to a great college though,” she says, sounding sad. “So at least he got out of nowhere, Tennessee and is hopefully moving on to bigger and better things.” She nuzzles into Addy’s hair.
Shaking my head, I steer us towards a safer conversation. "So are you, though. Speaking of… are you settling in okay? Canada is a long way from nowhere, Tennessee."
She lets me change the subject, thank God. We talk for a while, mostly about Addy, but also the move, and the online classes she's taking. I get more laughs out of her when she talks about doing some bookkeeping jobs from home, and I scrunch my nose up at how much she's always loved math. Still a nerd.
“I’m not sure it’s my passion or anything, but it’s something. I figure I’ll start here and hopefully find my way to what I want to do with my life. I just… I want to dosomething, you know? Something meaningful, something useful to society and not just a baby factory that cooks and cleans.”
Eventually, she asks what I've been doing since I left home. I feel guilty for not giving her much more than proof of life when we've emailed over the years, but nothing I had to say would have been helpful to either of us.
"Working hard," I say. "Focusing on my game and making it to the bigs. That's pretty much it."
What I don't tell her is that I've spent the past three years trying to forget her husband. Trying to scrub his name from my skin. Trying to replace the weight of his memory with a long string of meaningless one-night stands. Anonymous hookups, quick and quiet. Back rooms at clubs, seedy hotel rooms, bathroom stalls. I never brought anyone back to my place. Never stayed the night. Never exchanged real names or even showed them my face. Hell, I barely showed them my body, just dropped my pants and got on with it.
They didn't ask questions, and I wouldn't have answered if they had. It was easier that way. Safer. The less I said, the less they could see, the less likely they could figure out who I am.
Three years of regrets. None of which ever helped. Not even once.
Every time, when it was over, I'd feel worse than before. I'd sit there in my misery, staring at a brick wall, or a stall door, or a stranger's ceiling, and feel sick. Disgusted with myself. I debased myself, and for what? All I accomplished was trading one ache for another. There was always a feeling that I'd betrayed something sacred, something I never really had a right to in the first place.
It's been a sad, hollow way to live. And I hate myself for it a little more with each and every encounter. Worst of all, all it's done is prove the one thing I never wanted to admit.
That no one will ever make me feel the way he made me feel.
And I never have been able to stop loving him.
Adaline blinks slowly, then turns her head towards me. Her gaze lingers for a second, hazy but thoughtful, like she's working out a puzzle. Then she smiles. Small and sweet and serene.
"M'uncle Gid-On," she says.
It hits me square in the chest.
She crawls over without any hesitation, little limbs still heavy with sleep, settling onto my lap like she's done it a thousand times, like I'm not a stranger to her, and I melt. Her little body is warm and soft and smells like baby shampoo and peanut butter. Carefully, like she might be a figment of my imagination, I wrap my arms around her. She snuggles in, laying her head against my chest and letting out a soft sigh.
Whatever walls I've built, whatever shame I've been carrying, it all dissolves under the weight of her sleepy trust. I press a soft kiss to her temple, just like I do with her mom, and close my eyes. Just for a minute, just to let myself soak this in.
"How is it possible to love someone so much?" I croak through the lump in my throat. "And how is someone so small and innocent not afraid?" I can't imagine that I wouldn't look huge and scary to such a tiny human.
"Addy isn't afraid of anything," my sister laughs. "And you're not a stranger. We’ve told her lots of stories about you from when we were kids. And she's been watching all your hockey games and kissing your photo goodnight every night for as long as she can remember."
My lips wobble, even though I'm pressing them together to stop whatever surge of unimaginable emotion is threatening.
I understand what Lily meant when she said she couldn't possibly have any regrets when it comes to having Adaline. Because right now, I hate Silas a little less, knowing he's part of why this little miracle of a person is here today.
CHAPTER 7
SILAS
