Page 16 of Wrap Around
"Because if he's not doing right by you, I'll–"
"Gideon! You need to calm down," she says in a sharp tone, holding up both hands. "Seriously. It's been three years. Are you really going to hold a grudge forever? He was your best friend."
"Yes. He was. And he betrayed me, betrayed my trust," I amend.
"Did he though? I was the one that–"
"And how did you get that way, huh? I don't think the way our dad and the rest of the church does, Lily. It takes two people to make a baby. He did this to you, and you were the one that was punished for it."
"Maybe I deserved it. If I hadn't been so damn ignorant, maybe it wouldn't have happened."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You think I knew what the hell I was doing? I don't know what kind of education you boys were getting to teach you how babies were made, but that wasn't something that was shared with us girls. I was embarrassingly naïve, and I didn't think–"
"Didn't think what?!" I'm raising my voice, getting heated at the idea that anyone—much lessSilas fucking Caldwell—took advantage of Lily's innocence. "Because I know damn well that Silas knew–"
"It's not what you think!" She shouts, cutting me off.
I didn’t realize that I’d gotten to my feet and was yelling. I’m out of control.
"What is it then?" I ask helplessly.
The church didn’t teach us boys much either. Sex Ed was one of the many science and health classes we were opted out from, and there was no formal education outside of it. All we were shown was a video with an old woman explaining that sex is only for the purpose of being fruitful and multiplying, and that any form of sex, including self-pleasure, was outside the confines of the marriage covenant, and therefore considered idolatry. Idolatry, according to the Bible, leads to death.
“For if you live according to the flesh, you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.” Romans 8:13
So, yeah. We weren’t taught much. But I know that Silas knew more than the rest, since I was with him when we got an accidental education by looking up the meaning of a joke we’d overheard on the school library’s computer.
"It doesn't matter, Gideon. Besides, as hard as everything was, I don't regret it. Because despite everything I went through, I love that little girl more than the whole world. I wouldn't go back and change a thing if it meant I wouldn't have her."
She takes a shaky breath. "The only thing I truly regret was overhearing the way Daddy laid into you, like I wasn't smart enough to take responsibility for my own actions. It wasn't your fault,” she whispers. “And then you left, because I–"
My jaw tightens, and I look away.
"I didn't leave because of you," I say, my voice much gentler now, but hoarse. The words scrape their way out of my throat like they're passing through gravel. "I left because of me. Because of something I did. Something I'll never atone for. I was afraid the truth of what I did would come out, and everyone would hate me for it. You most of all."
Lily's eyes go soft. She scoots towards me and reaches out to take my hand. I know she wants to know exactly what it was that drove me from the only home I’d ever known, but she doesn’t press.
"I could never hate you. You were my hero growing up. My best friend. I loved you more than anyone in the world." She squeezes my hand and gives me a watery smile. "I'm afraid you're in second place now, but it's a close second."
"Not sure how I feel about that. Doesn't she eat crayons?"
Lily barks out a surprised laugh.
"I overhear some of your conversations in the hotel when we're away."
Her laughter soothes some of the ache but doesn't completely stop the pain in my chest. She looks at me like she sees through everything. Straight into the place I've buried the truth. If I'm not careful, I'm liable to spill my guts all over her new carpet.
Somewhere down the hall, there's a soft thud, followed by the creak of a door and the patter of tiny feet.
Lily turns her head and smiles as a sleepy little girl with strawberry curls matted on one side of her head toddles into view, dragging what looks to be a large bunny wearing a purple hockey jersey by one ear. On closer inspection, the jersey is a tiny version of the team jersey Silas and I used to wear when we played for the local junior league rec team. It's even got my old number sewn on the front, and Silas's on the back. Cute.
Adaline's cheeks are flushed from sleep, and her eyes are heavy-lidded as she crosses the living room with all the coordination of a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time. She doesn't say anything at first, just crawls up onto the couch and presses herself against her mama's side.
Lily wraps her arm around her and brushes her hair back gently. "Hey there, baby girl," she murmurs. "Did you have a good nap? You still look sleepy."
"I’m sorry if I woke her," I say quietly.
