Page 9 of Wrap Around
The thought makes me sick. It coils in my gut and burns its way up the back of my throat, my fury heating my face and balling my fists.
A small gasp pulls me out of my spiral, and I look up to see Lily running towards me before I can turn away. She throws her armsaround my neck and pulls me in close. I don't hug her back right away, but when I do, I probably squeeze her too hard and don't let go for too long.
When she finally pulls back, her eyes are glassy. Mine are hot with the tears that I’m trying to hold back.
"You asshole," she whisper-shouts, swatting my shoulder. "I missed you, big brother."
I nod, not able to get words out past the lump in my throat.
"We're going to talk," she says firmly. "As soon as I get this house settled, you're coming over, or I'll find you and come to yours. You and I are gonna sit down and talk it out, and you're not getting out of it so don't even try."
We haven't truly talked since before the announcement that shattered my world and sent me running. It's been emails, with pictures of the baby, little updates from back home. I barely reciprocated, unable to get over my own pain enough to share my life with her.
Before I can argue, or find an excuse to not be ready, a tiny round face with big green eyes so much like mine and her mama's peeks out from behind Lily's legs. Her hair is tied back in a bow, but half of it is mussed and trying to escape. She blinks, hiding behind her mama and peeking at me like I'm familiar but she can't quite figure it out.
I quickly glance up at Lily, smiling down at her daughter and giving her a nod of encouragement. In the background, Silas is leaning back against the wall. He stays back, watching, letting me have this moment. I'm thankful for it even if I'll never admit it.
Adaline steps out from behind my sister's legs and holds something out to me with a pudgy fist.
Slowly, I sink to one knee to get closer to her level. My heart is beating hard enough that I feel it in my ears. I don't know what to do with my hands, or if I might spook her if I make any sudden movements. She's so small. So impossibly beautiful and soft and perfect. What if I scare her? What if she cries?
She toddles forward a little closer, wide-eyed and curious, and drops a soggy handful of fish shaped crackers into my palm like it's a gift. Like she's trusting me with it, taking my measure by waiting to see how I'll react to her offering.
Something inside me cracks wide open, and I let out a breathless laugh. A real one. Raw and full and unguarded. My jaw aches from the unfamiliar smile taking over my face.
"Thank you," I whisper, smiling wildly and trying not to scare her off by sobbing.
She beams like I just plucked the stars from the sky and handed them over to her. "Tank-oo!" she repeats back, and then, without hesitation, she throws her little arms around my neck.
Her tiny, squishy body melts into mine like she belongs there, warm against my chest. My arms tighten around her like she's a missing piece of me, and I lose the battle with my tears. I let them fall, silent and hot, sliding down my cheeks as I bury my face in her messy hair and take a deep breath of something I didn't know I needed.
Not quite sure if I'm even allowed to pick her up, I stand with her in my arms and bounce her gently, blinking through a haze while Lily smiles at us. She starts telling me about their big move, but I don't hear any of it.
Because I'm looking at this little girl—this light, this joy that takes up my entire chest—and marveling at her. She's the spitting image of my sister at her age, with her green eyes, light dusting of frecklesover her nose. Her hair is a darker auburn rather than strawberry blonde and curlier, but she’s definitely a Shepherd.
She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.
We’re in Abbotsford. We lost in overtime by one goal. It was a good game. Tight, well-played on all sides, but a loss all the same.
I didn’t seek Silas out on the ice, but I didn’t avoid him either. He’s still on his bullshit from the split-squad game, showboating and chirping like he’s got something to prove.
I hate that I caught myself smiling. Just once. Just for a second.
A flicker of something warm crawled up my chest, and the second I felt it, it turned sharp. Like a hot knife right through the heart.
He's so damn confident again. So much like the Silas I used to know.
It drives me insane.
Now I'm lying in this damn hotel bed, staring at the ceiling while he breathes on the other side of the room, calm, like none of this is eating him alive the way it does me. I can't sleep, but I can’t blame it on the phantom ache in my knees that keeps me up most nights. I haven't slept more than an hour at a time all week. Not with him so close. Not with all the memories unraveling in my head. The innocent ones, and the one that wasn't.
I remember the first time I saw Silas cry. We were thirteen, maybe. His dad had taken a literal rod to him, old school biblical style, after Silas had questioned something we'd heard in church that day. I never did know exactly what it was about, but I keep thinking it might have been a sermon about how men are supposed to behave, think, and live their lives as God intended,but I might just be projecting. Those sermons always stood out to me, frightened me, made me feel physically ill. It makes the memory of Silas' pain even sharper.
Silas' father was a cruel man who blamed him for everything, but most especially the death of his mother. She got an infection after giving birth to Silas. Elder Abraham Caldwell had tried to pray it away instead of taking her to the hospital. She didn't make it. That kind of pain and guilt gets sewn into a kid. I saw it even then. And Silas took every lecture, every beating, every punishment for his supposed crimes without flinching. Except that one day.
It was shortly after that incident that Silas and Lily announced that they were officially boyfriend and girlfriend. No matter how hard I try to pick apart every memory, I can't remember even one time that they acted differently or made me feel like I was a third wheel. I never thought, never could have guessed they were actually… doing anything.
No matter how hard I try not to think about it, my mind keeps dragging me back to that day. Every time I close my eyes, I'm reliving the memory like I'm back there again, wherethe lake glitters under the early spring sun. It's been an especially warm spring, but the water is still freezing. Our skin is red and prickled with goosebumps from the chill. Still, we've been out here every day of spring break, soaking in the first warm days after a long winter.
