Page 39 of Wrap Around
"Silas?"
"Yeah, babe?"
"Does it make me a bad person if I never want to go back? Like, even to visit?"
"If it is, I'll be sitting next to you on the bus to hell."
We lie on the couch in the quiet, and I hold Lily while she dozes off. I don't know that either of us is truly okay, but we're closer than we've been in a while. And that counts for something. It counts for a lot, honestly.
I meant every word I said to her. I'd do anything to protect her and Adaline. To keep our lives steady and safe. Lily is the best person I know. She’s strong, kind, more forgiving than anyone has a right to be. I don't want her carrying guilt over the choices we had to make. She didn't ruin my life by any means. She only gave me a new one. And honestly, I have a feeling that if I came clean about my feelings for her brother, she'd encourage me to tell him the truth even if it hurt her. But I can't do it to her. Not when I don't know what the future holds for us. I'm not willing to disrupt the balance and safety we've built for an unsure bet that Gideon won't still hate me.
I carry her to bed like I would Adaline, dropping a soft kiss on her forehead and covering her with a blanket. Then when I'm alone in the quiet again, staring at my ceiling, the truth creeps in.
If I can't tell Gideon our secret, whatever is building between us doesn't stand a chance.
It's like standing at the edge of a cliff, wanting to leap, but knowing I can't make it over the gap. Not without dragging Lily's truth down with mine. Not without potentially wrecking everything.
Maybe this thing was always doomed. Maybe what happened the other night was just a flare-up of something that never got put to rest. It's unfinished business that's keeping me tetheredto the Gideon I knew like a ghost. Maybe it doesn't mean anything, or maybe it would fizzle out before it really started. I just don't know, and that's why I can't make the leap.
But that doesn't stop me from wanting it.
From wantinghim.
CHAPTER 16
GIDEON
The team holiday party is already in full swing by the time I arrive. Honestly, I tried to get out of coming, but Casey Ives saw me walking to my truck and asked if he could ride with me. I'm still not planning on staying long, but I grab a beer from the bar and walk around a bit. The team is in good spirits. After a rough month of more losses than wins, we pulled off a fantastic 6-3 win today, and everyone is buzzing with leftover adrenaline. Plus, we have a full week off for the Christmas holiday, so there is much to celebrate.
I should be happy. Grateful, even. This break is coming just when I need it the most. I'm exhausted and overstimulated most of the time, but I don't do well with downtime. Too much free time means too much time to think. And thinking is the last thing I want to be doing lately.
At the far end of the room, I find a couch near a window that looks out on the snowy night. I nurse my beer and stare out at the snow filtering orange under a nearby streetlight, swirling in the soft wind. Warm laughter and holiday music fill the space inside, but I keep myself outside of it all, out in the cold flurries and slush. People pass by, making cheerful remarks about the gametoday or introducing their spouses who I may or may not have met before. I smile and nod whenever it's required, but otherwise I may as well not even be in the room.
Silas and Lily arrive, and a cheer goes up for the two goals and two assists he got tonight. Thanks to the fanfare they arrived to, I see them before they see me, which gives me just enough time to consider bolting. But I don't. Instead, I sink deeper into the couch cushions and pretend to be invisible.
Not that it works for very long. Lily finds me, because of course she does.
"Hiding, brother?" she taunts, dropping beside me with a knowing look on her face.
"I'm just tired," I say, taking a swig of my now warm beer.
"You played great today."
I grunt. We watch the party from a distance, both of us no doubt tracking Silas as he makes it through the crowd, greeting everyone he passes like they're old friends he's known forever. I envy his ability to fit in with everyone around him. He's always been that way. It’s one of the many things about him that I've always admired.
"I'm worried about him," Lily says absentmindedly. When I turn to look at her, she's still watching her husband.
"Why is that?"
"He's been…offlately."
I look over at Silas, who seems just as self-assured and happy as he always does. Unless I'm around. That's the only time I notice him behaving any different. But right now? I don't see what she's talking about.
"Looks like he's doing fine tome."
"He's been down since y'all came back from the last away games. I thought maybe it was because the team hasn't been winning as much as he'd like. I know he's worried about moving us up here when his contract isn't guaranteed past a year. But I think it's more than that."
I can't tell her that I'm the problem. That I kissed her husband so thoroughly I lost control completely and took things further than I ever meant to. Or that I thanked him with a fist to the jaw when I couldn't handle the aftermath.
