Page 38 of Wrap Around
"Not that it matters," I say lightly. "I'd never give away our secret… unless you were ready to, I mean. Maybe even just Gid–"
My words are cut short by a small sniff, and I look up to find Lily wiping away a tear, eyes aimed at the ceiling to stop herself from crying. She's always had a tough time showing emotion, just like her brother.
"Oh honey, no…" I pull her against my chest and cradle her there. "I'd never tell a soul, you know that."
"I know that," she sniffs, wiping her nose on her sleeve. "I just… I feel awful that I didn't even think about that. I was thinking about how you might have a different kind of future and completely forgot that it was me that's holding you back."
"Lily," I say, a little firmly. "You are not holding me back. I'd never have gotten to where I amwithout you."
"I hate that you can't be your true self because you're tied to this lie. Because of me."
"Don't say that." I shake my head and tilt her chin to make her look at me. "Don't ever say that."
Her lips wobble. "But it's true. You gave up your whole future for me."
"Lily Shepherd Caldwell, you saved my life and you damn well know it."
She blinks, startled.
"I was lost—drowning—back then," I say quietly. "That day you found me by the lake. I'd considered…" I shake my head free of the tormented thoughts that were plaguing my hormone-rattled mind, and swallow hard. They aren't memories I like to bring up, and I've mostly found a way to bury them. "My dad would have never accepted the truth. He might have actually killed me, Lily."
She'd found me sitting by the bank of our favorite swimming spot, bleeding, bruised, and beat down in more ways than one. All I'd done is question something that had been discussed at that afternoon's men's bible study. It was just after some legislation had passed federally that banned transgender people from serving in the military, and protections against discrimination based on sexual orientation were being dismantled.
It was a normal Saturday men’s Bible study. The leaders of our church, including Pastor Shepherd and my father, were discussing the news as if it was a blessing, as if God himself were finally taking a stand against lifestyles they found abhorrent. I think I'd wanted some reassurance that my father and friends wouldn't hate me if they ever found out about the secret I'd been harboring. I didn't think it was fair to paint an entire community as predators and deviants just because they were different. That, in fact,there were no statistics to back up those claims. Why were we picking on the LGBTQ+ community when there was actual documented abuse concerning the clergy in various religious institutions? Maybe instead of passing judgment, we should let people live their lives and turn our attention to real problems.
That hadn't gone over well. First, he'd berated me in front of most of the men in our congregation, including Pastor Shepherd. Then he'd sent me home to wait for him. I knew I had it coming.
Afterwards, I'd limped off to lick my wounds somewhere safe. Somewhere I could be alone. I'd stared into the water like I was waiting for it all to just end already. Or maybe for someone to come save me, find all the broken pieces of me and try to put them back together.
And she did. Lily found me. She sat beside me and opened a first aid kit and tended to the worst of my injuries. Most of them were superficial. The real wounds were inside. Lily patched me up, but she never treated me like I was broken.
"Ready to talk about it?" she'd asked.
And I told her the truth. That I thought I might be gay. I didn't tell her everything. I didn't tell her I knew for sure I was gay because I was already in love with her brother, my best friend. That part I buried deep, deep down, too terrified to ever let that truth see the light of day.
But Lily didn't judge. She didn't flinch or look away or tell me I needed saving. She didn't try to pray for me or suggest anything to change myself. She just took my hand and said she'd protect me.
"You gave me a way out, Lily. You saved my life that day, in more ways than one."
"That doesn't mean you owed me anything," she says through the tears she's no longer holding back.
"I never thought I owed you anything. I just knew it was the right thing to do. It's been you and me since that day, and it'll always be you and me, you hear? I love you, and I love Adaline. I don't care whose blood flows through her veins, she’s my daughter. In every way that counts, she is mine. And I have no regrets about that."
She falls into my chest, and I let her sob until the tears have run dry.
"But listen," I say gently. "If you ever want something different, to date or start over or change how we're doing things, I'll support you. You don't live under your daddy's thumb anymore. You're an adult woman who can make decisions for herself. Whatever you want to do with your life, I'll be here. There's no pressure or guilt, Lily. Just love."
Her shoulders shake, and I think for a moment that she's crying again. But she flings her head back to rest on the couch, and I can see she's laughing. "It's really too bad you're not into women."
I let out a bark of laughter. "Yeah… Sorry about that."
"It's alright. I'm not sure if you're really my type anyway."
"Is that so?" I say, chuckling. "What kind of person are you attracted to, then?"
Her face grows pensive, but not sad. "I don't know. Is it weird that I don't really think I am attracted to anyone like that? Maybe I just haven't met the right person, it's not like I get out much. But, like, when I'm watching a movie or reading a book, I love romance just as much as I like adventure and fantasy. But I don't want to go out and slay a dragon. Does that make sense?"
I shrug. "Sure, why not? I don't know that there's just one way to be."
