Page 61 of Nothing To Lose
"You're not weak."
"I am! I was. If he'd wanted me like that, he could have shown me just how weak I was." I sit up, pushing away from Isaac and pulling my knees up to cover my body. "I don't want to talk about this. I don't want it here, with us, right now. I don't want it to hold you back or make you not want me–"
"Nothing could make me not want you, Tyler. Nothing." My heart clenches like a fist is wrapped around it. "Even if we never have penetrative sex, I love everything we do together. I'm happy with what we have. It's about our connection." He crawls over to me and sits back on his heels, hands on either side of my thighs. "The lessons were never about getting to fuck you, they were about having the confidence to allow yourself to feel good, to not be shy about who you are or what you want."
"I want…" I swallow the lump in my throat that threatens to betray just how afraid I am. "I want to experience it all, feel it all. I want to be able to give you my body without fear or apprehension so things can be how they're supposed to be."
"What does that mean, how they're supposed to be?"
My mouth turns down, unsure how to explain. But I don't need to, because Isaac, as always, reads me like a book.
"I think you've been fed a lot of harmful, hetero-normative bullshit about relationship roles and dynamics. The threat that he would force you makes it look like being the receiver is passive or weak, but that's not the case."
"Receiver?" My lips quirk. I know what he means, but the word strikes me as formal and kind of funny.
"The bottom, then. Everyone's so concerned over who's the top and who's the bottom. Who fucking cares? What you like to feel doesn't make you more or less strong. What matters is that it feels good to you and your partner. It's about mutual respect and pleasure and trust." He rubs his hands up and down my thighs soothingly. "I thought that you topping first would help you be more comfortable with it, if it's something you want."
"But is that what you want?"
He smiles, then leans forward and kisses me again, slow and sensual but not pushing for anything. My knees part instinctively, making space for him between my thighs. I can feel him there, but he doesn't press into me like before.
"I want you any way I can get you, Tyler. Sex or no sex. Top or bottom."
"I do want it… to be inside you. To have you inside me." His cock twitches against mine, but he still doesn't make a move. "I don't want to be afraid. I'm not afraid," I say, wanting to be very clear. "I'm not afraid with you."
This time, when I kiss him, he pulls me against him. I'm straddling his lap with him on his knees, rocking my silk covered ass against his bare cock. He'd deflated a bit while we talked, but he's hard and leaking now. We make out and grind against each other until there's no other thought in my head other than pure, burning, primal need.
"I still want you inside me first," he breathes. "Is that okay?"
A burst of warmth escapes the head of my cock, and I groan. "If we don't hurry, it'll be too late," I warn.
He chuckles and lays me back on the mattress before standing. He finds his jeans and pulls something from the back pocket, holding them up for me to see. A condom and a packet of lube. Good thing he planned ahead. I put all this together with the intention of having sex, and I didn't think to bring supplies up.
"Do we need this?" He asks, waving the condom.
"I've already had your cum inside me," I point out.
He blanches, but his cock visibly twitches at the reminder. "You're right. I didn't even think that night."
"It's okay. I trust you." He said he'd been tested since the last time he was with anyone, so I’m not worried. I eye the condom. "It's up to you, then. I'll wear it if you want me to, if you don't want the… mess."
All the right words come out of my mouth, and I do my damndest to keep a neutral face. I really hope he knows I'm being genuine, and that I have no issues wearing a condom. But I also really, really want to come inside him. I want to fill him with it, watch it leak out of him, and go to sleep with the knowledge that I'm part of him.
"Oh, I want the mess," he says, tossing the offending item over his shoulder. "I want all the mess. Fucking mess me up, Tyler."
Isaac rips open the lube packet with his mouth, then tosses it to me. Understanding the assignment, I tear my underwear off and pour some lube on my cock, careful not to touch myself too much. I'm barely holding on as it is. He sets one foot on the end of the bed. My eyes widen as he spreads some of the lube on two fingers and reaches between his legs, pressing both of them into his hole.
"Fuck… what are you…"
"I need to get myself ready for your big cock, and I'm suddenly in a hurry."
Groaning, I pinch the inside of my thigh. The sharp bite of pain helps me stave off what's already building.
"I want to do it," I say, the words choked, but I’m already moving towards him. I reach for his ass between his legs and slip two fingers in, awed at the tight squeeze. Isaac groans and thrusts into the air, and I adjust to take him in my mouth.
"Fuck, baby. Put another one in. I can take it." I keep sucking, bobbing rhythmically as I slip in a third finger. He hisses as his tight ass clenches around my fingers, and I pull back, worried it's hurting him. "I'm good," he says. "Keep going."
When he's ready for more, he lies on his back with me between his legs. I have a fourth finger inside him, pumping in and out, spreading my fingers, marveling at how much he can stretch. What must that feel like?
