Page 70 of Of Nightmares & Fire
“You didn’t look like you lost control. It was me who made a fool of myself.” The pink blush deepens as she recalls the memory of her shattering the goblet of wine. “I didn’t want to lie to anyone. You know that, right? I needed to. I was running from a life I never wanted.” My thumb scores a line across her rosy cheek.
“I do. I see that now.” Had our pasts been kinder to us both, maybe our future wouldn’t be so bleak. I don’t tell her that, though. Instead, I kiss her forehead and pull her into me. Myeyes shut as she melts into my arms, fitting perfectly in my hold. I swallow hard.
“We have time to talk more on the journey to Diemos. I promise we will talk, but while we are in Aithne preparing for the celebration and your birthday, you will train. Focus on learning what you can. The Creshian Forest can be a dangerous place, and I think it's time we talk to the others about what we are facing with your nightmares.” I say resolutely. Astraea chews on her lip. A caw sounds from a distance. I smirk, quickly throwing a glance over my shoulder and then looking back at the wide-eyed look on Astraea’s face as she sees Drabek narrowing the distance between us.
She shuffles out of my arms with a screech as the large, Creshian raven lands deftly on my shoulder. I clench my jaw tight as his claws dig into my bare flesh. Drabek doesn't seem to notice my lack of clothes, though, and preens his feathers as he looks her in the eye and tilts his head. Blinking, he surveys the woman I deemed worthy of bringing to this place he knows I frequent alone. Astraea covers her mouth with her hand; her eyes widen as if this feathered creature is more fearsome than the manticore she faced in the dunes. A chuckle rumbles through me, and Drabek leans forward, lifting a lock of her hair with his large beak. He clicks with it several times, hanging the hair loosely in his mouth before dropping it and chittering in approval. As though this was his way of greeting. A gentlemanly kiss to the hand.
“Shula, meet Drabek.” My grin widens as her face morphs to fascination. “He likes you.”
“He is beautiful.” Tentatively, she reaches her hand out just as she did to the beast in the dunes, and usually I would warn someone else not to, but I know without a doubt that Drabek will be accepting of Astraea. Her fingers glide through his feathers, and he fluffs them as soon as her hand retreats. He shakes his large head with a caw. Astraea’s face lights up, and she laughs. A truly loud, beautifully joyous laugh, and my stomach tightens. I want to learn all the sounds that can come from her lips. Her gaze finds mine as I watch her, and she blinks, looking at me through her lashes.
“There are depictions of ravens in the palace, I’m sure you saw; they are carved into the great hall doors.” She says, and it takes everything in me not to react.
“Yes, I recall the art of them.” I say with a shrug, feigning nonchalance.
“I’ve always loved that art. It’s one of the only pieces my father didn’t destroy.” She says as her eyes catch back on Drabek, who shifts his head back and forth between us. His curious eyes blink a few times at me. I sigh before I run my fingers through his feathers, allowing my shadows to dance and tickle along their lengths.
“It’s a blessing from the divine that he didn’t destroy it as he did everything else.” I say through my teeth so quietly I think she may not have heard me at all, but the words were more for me than for her to hear. There is no way she would understand anyway—not yet. “Drabek, we will be back at the castle in four days' time. Until then I want you to stay close. Keep an eye on things that I cannot.” He rubs his head against my offered hand, and Astraea smiles atboth of us. “Go.” I command, and with a shrill cry, he launches into the sunlit sky and disappears beyond the clouds.
We both watch the clouds for a moment, though I am the first to look away. My eyes are drawn to the woman in front of me. I watch her as I have since the moment she stepped into my life. Still, I don’t understand it. The way that fates twist our worlds so impossibly, causing loss, heartache, and destruction only to bring two people together in a way that seems so unimaginable.
Her chin drops, and she is smiling. She could steal every last breath from my lungs with that smile, and I would die a happy man. I lift my hand between us in offering, and she doesn’t hesitate.
“Ready?” I ask, and she nods, placing her hand in mine. We walk in silence for a while, back down to the water's edge, but after a bit we fill the silence with plans for the coming days. The trees protect us from the sun and the random gusts of wind that seem to always beat this mountainside. Astraea seems excited to learn to defend herself. We may not have much time to teach her everything, but there is time to teach her some of the basics that could mean life or death, at the very least.
It will bring me peace of mind to know she has the means to protect herself a small amount within the castle walls, too. Once we get to Diemos, I worry about what is going to happen more than I feel concern over the forest, though. Something about the way the Queen reacted to the knowledge of what we found in Eathian doesn’t sit right with me. The issue of her nightmares is another concern entirely.
When we reach the tarn, I help Astraea with her tunic, and she leans against a large sun-bleached tree near the water's edge. It lies on its side, hollowed and without bark. The elements of nature have smoothed its surface with time. It’s the most at ease I have seen her. Even when she was drinking spirits with the others, I could see the tension she carried. This place seemed to have the same effect on me; it's why I have come here so often over the years.
The pebbles under my feet crunch as I make my way to stand behind her, and she looks up as I place my hand on her shoulder. My finger touches the delicate chain of the necklace she always wears, and my brows pull down.
“Does this necklace mean something to you?” I ask curiously, and her fingers instantly wrap around the pendant that hangs low on her chest.
“It was given to me as a child. The pendant, anyway. I have gone through several chains.” She snorts a laugh. “I wasn’t the most well-behaved child. Much to my father’s displeasure, I tended to get myself into a bit of trouble doing things I was told a princess should not. I found fun in adventure, even when the cost was high. Sometimes I’d do it without thought, and other times… I wanted the punishment. When I made him angry, I would also tend to see him less.” Something dark flickers over her eyes then, as though she is recalling one of those instances.
“Where did it come from?” I ask, urging her to tell me about the pendant that continues to cause me to wonder.
“My mother. Well, not directly. My mother passed away when I was just a girl, in the Great War.” Emotion seems to clog her throat,and I move around her to sit at her side; she clears it. “Colette's mother was my mother’s handmaiden. She was mine for a short time too, but when my mother died and we moved into the palace, he replaced her with another woman. Sienna.” She says, her cheeks heating. The name she gave us when she was trying to run. I nod.
“Sienna raised me for the most part, but she was more of a friend as I got older. She never treated me like I was a job. Never treated me like I was anything less than a friend. She taught me about the Neer.” She gives me a rueful smile before continuing. “Not until I was older and she knew I wouldn’t go running around spewing all the secrets.” She sighs before returning her gaze out over the water. Sadness fills her eyes as she recalls this woman who cared for her. I can't help but think of my own mother. “My father killed her.” She says, her lips flattening into a line.
“It's not your fault.” I find myself saying. It’s both me convincing her and confirming to myself it is the case. Nothing about what has happened over the years comes back to the girl who was told she was a princess, even if the crown was dipped in the blood of those she loved.
“Sometimes I’m not so sure.” She says, her fingers still wrapped tightly around the pendant. “She protected me. Gave me healing baths that helped with the punishments I would get.”
“The scars on your back?” I ask softly, and she nods.
“After one particularly bad punishment, she had brought a woman into the castle, and together they put salves on my back and said incantations over me for healing. After breakfast the nextmorning my father came to make sure my teachings had been enough…” Her words trail off as she relives the memory.
“It was a healing balm?” I ask, though I can already sense the answer.
“It was the quickest I had ever healed; only now do I realize it must have been magick. I thought there was something in the scent of the balm Mavros gave me, the same balm that Kellan got for Cole's wounds.” She swallows hard before continuing. “That breakfast was the last time I saw her alive. By lunch she was hanging in the courtyard, the very place that Cole was whipped. Just like then, I was paraded out to the conservatory, ensuring I would see what I had caused.” I reach my hand out and encase hers, pulling it into my lap. I cradle it in mine. She smiles, but it’s small and sad. “She said that this would protect me from nightmares… It did for a while. All but one. There was no one who could protect me from my father.”
“Protect you from the nightmares? Have you had nightmares since you were young?” I ask now, even more curious as to why this necklace would protect her from the nightmare.
“They weren't much at first, just a feeling of unsettling darkness. Eyes watching through mist. I would wake up anxious, my heart racing. They started after my father took the throne.” My brows drop at her confession. If this is who I thought it was and all of this started when her father took the throne… “They were reoccurring. The same nearly every night by the time I turned ten. Sienna was trying everything she knew, but then she recalled the necklace that my mother had left me. She brought it to me, and finally I was able toget to sleep. For years, I would only have the nightmares maybe once a month. They were the same every time, but since I left the palace…” Her brows furrow before her eyes flit to me. “Since I met you, they have changed. They have become more. Fevered. Alive. Urgent.”
I can feel my heart racing in my ears, the pulsing causing my vision to dim as my shadows come alive on my skin. I knew Connard was a sorry piece of shit, but everything about the nightmare, the creature I fought off, the way it seems to hunt her. I recall the bruising and claw marks on her neck. It was the necklace. He was trying to remove the necklace.
