Page 60 of Of Nightmares & Fire
The mention of Kyros has my body heating with anger and longing. I don’t want to think about him right now because every time I do, I remember the words I don’t understand and the searing heat his touch causes.She will be the death of you. She will be the death of us all.And even though I know he is keeping things from me, I crave being in his presence.
Colette pushes the door open and holds it for me as she steps inside. The room is darker than outside, and I blink as my eyes try to adjust. She makes some noise moving around the shadowy space, but I am frozen just inside the door. Frozen with my thoughts, and after some more noise, Cole finally turns around with a lantern in her hands.
“This place doesn’t have warm water like we are used to in your chambers, but I do have a basin of clean water. I already prepared some clothes for you. You can clean up, and if you want to sleep or…” Her words trail off as she sees the tear roll down my cheek. “Oh, Astraea. What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.” I try to smile and wipe away the tears. I'm tired of feeling this way. I want the anger to just take over. I want to be strong and know my place in the world, but sometimes I feel as though I am not enough and the kingdom is just too big. She narrows her eyes on me. “I’m just feeling emotional. I’m glad to see you.” I say, leaving out how I'm feeling about the rest.
“I'm glad to see you too.” She looks at me with a sad smile, then sets the lantern down and goes around lighting a couple more. The room is more visible now, and I see that it's a cozy space. One semi-large bed in the corner with a window at its side. Surely,looking out into the trees beyond the village border. It's too dark to see for certain. The bed is covered in fluffy linens and pillows in different shades of tan. There is a chair in the far corner facing the center of the room, and the walls are adorned with framed art in a style I have not seen before.
Cole pulls open a chest at the end of the bed. The hinges squeak, and then it makes a loud clap as she closes it. She lays a small bundle of clothing on the bed and looks at me mischievously.
“What?” I ask, looking at the clothing and realizing it's pretty much the same as what she is wearing. Similar to what Zinya wears, save the leather armor. “Cole! I can’t.”
“But you can! I know you. You love climbing trees, getting yourself into things that are not easy to get out of. I thought it was strange at first too, to wear breeches like men, but it's—freeing.”She smiles, looking down at my chest and the holster I have crossed there. The blades that are strapped to me are visible, and her smile widens. “You are already halfway there. It's just another step to freedom.” She taps the sheathed blade. My gaze drops to leather, and I nod, realizing that she is right. I unclasp the holster, removing it first, then pull my skirt up to reveal the belt that holds the blade at my thigh. A laugh bursts from her, loud and hearty.
“Don’t laugh.” I pin her with a look, and she rolls her lips between her teeth before shaking her head. Rolling my eyes, I continue to undress. She shows me to the basin and allows me to wash up. Reluctantly, I slide into the unfamiliar feel of the leggings. They are tight, but not constricting. The tunic is at least a little less fitting than Colette’s. It’s cream-colored, the style similar tothe one Kyros wears, and it has a leather tie between my breasts. I gather the weapons once again, strapping them to my body, and then stand in front of the long mirror that is leaning against the wall on the far side of the room.
Cole comes up behind me with a brush and begins working out the knots that have found their way into my dark hair. When she starts braiding the lengths to twine my hair up the way my father always wanted, I place my hand on hers.
“No.” I say softly. The memory of Kyros telling me he likes my hair better down flashes through my mind. The way he hummed in my ear. The way his breath puffed out over my face. The night that I wasn’t just a princess, but for the first time I felt as though I was—seen. “I want it down.” Warmth fills her gaze as she nods in understanding and continues to brush out my hair.
My eyes lock with those of my reflection. I used to look at my own blue irises and see a lack of warmth, a hollow frozen sea of nothing. The pale blue is only a whisper of color in my monochrome world. Now, it's like they are alive with energy—a flash of lightning caught within my gaze. I reach down, strapping the last blade on my thigh, and when I rise, so does my chin. I left the palace to be my own person; live my own life. It's about time I start claiming it for myself.
Chapter forty-two
Astraea
Mavrosgreetsuswithhis arms outstretched and a wide smile as we enter the tavern. He wraps me in a tight hug before leaving, his arm slung over my shoulders as he guides us through the place. It is alive with energy, and it seems the whole town has gathered here tonight. Even though it must be late, children of all ages run around tables, laughing and playing. The joyous atmosphere catches me by surprise. I don’t realize I’m scowling until Zinya is standing in front of us.
“What did he do?” Zinya asks. The way she's looking at me is curious and probing, as though she is looking at everything I don’t say, causing my scowl to deepen withmy confusion.
“What?” I ask, looking at her, then to Mavros and Colette.
“You look pissed off. I only assume Kyros did something to cause it. He has a way with being a bit of a hardass. He seemed to be in a similar mood earlier. Do you want me to give him shit?” She laughs, and my gaze jumps around the room looking for said man. I shake my head.
“I haven’t seen him, actually, since we arrived.” I say, shaking my head, and Colette looks at me with a keen eye. Likely picking up on my subtle tells; the way I chew on my lip or wring my hands. She’s always been akin to understanding what I’m feeling. Sometimes even before I do. “I guess I’m just perplexed at the energy in the room. Is this a celebration of something?” Zinya blinks as though she’s surprised that I don’t know. Then she tilts her head back and nods.
“Oh, well, I forget you don’t know the culture of the people outside of the palace.” She says, and I flinch, frowning at her words.
“It’s not for lack of wanting to know. I was notallowedsuch liberties. I was only the means of securing an heir for the throne. Not actually sitting on the gaudy chair with all the power. My father felt I had no reason to know much of anything that went on outside of the castle.” I respond derisively, feeling a little defensive. I would love to know about the people in the kingdom. Especially those who are under our rule. I tried. It's one of the reasons the library was one of my favorite places. The history of our land fascinated me, even though I know I only had some of it. I always listened to what I could through guards passing or palace help gossiping, but not everything was clear.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you.” Zinya responds, and I can see the truth behind her eyes. I didn’t mean to get offended. “While the palace celebrates the victory of taking the throne all those years ago and, if I understand correctly, your birthday.” She clears her throat. “The Neer, or‘The Kru,’as some of the crown loyalists call them, celebrate in remembrance.” I thought the Neer and the Kru were two different types of people. Apparently that was a misinterpretation of gossip. I wonder how much I don’t actually know.
“A celebration of life.” Mavros cuts in. A stern look on his face. “In memory of all that was lost.” My throat is tight, like I have started swallowing my own tongue. All of their eyes land heavy on me. While I know what they are saying doesn’t really land on my shoulders, I feel as though it does as an extension from my father. Even though I never had a say in any of what he did.
“Not everyone in the palace celebrates a victory.” Colette says softly as she threads her arm back through mine, and I look at her with a small frown.
“I don’t know if I should be here. It feels wrong to be who I am and interfere with such a meaningful celebration when it's my father who caused the loss in the first place.” I whisper, hoping that my voice is small enough that no one else within earshot can hear.
“On the contrary, princess, I think you being here now is good. You can see firsthand who the people are that your father kills.” Another flinch shakes my body at Mavros’ words. I can tell that these people mean a great deal to him, and my brows drop. Zinyaelbows him in the stomach with a stern face, and he huffs out a breath.
“Do they celebrate this way in Diemos too?” I ask. Zinya, Mavros, and now Viltarin all share a look. A conversation seemingly passing between their eyes. I always feel like I am on the outside of a long story when they are all together. This seems to have Mavros more serious than I have ever seen him, and when he rakes his hand through his white-blonde hair, Zinya answers my question.
“Mavros, Kyros, and I are not originally from Diemos. We are native to Eathian. We all lost our families in the Great War. Queen Phaedra took in many orphans after the carnage left us without anywhere to go. Gave the refugees families and purpose. So, I guess, to answer your question… yes. In a way much of Diemos does, because Queen Phaedra has extended her hand over us when the true royals fell.” Zinya says, and even if she didn’t intend it, I feel as though I have been punched in the stomach. All the air now knocked from my lungs.
“I'm sorry. I—” My heart races so quickly that I fear it may burst as I think about everything. I knew what my father did was horrible. It was for me too, but I was a child when it happened. I guess I didn’t think so much about what happened to those who lost everything they ever knew too.I can’t swallow.
“Breathe.” Cole steps in front of me, blocking out my view of everyone else. My blue eyes latch to her green ones, and when she takes a deep breath, so do I. I mimic her breathing, the way she closes her eyes, and as we grip each other's arms, I feel the panic inme lowering. Slowly, it eases from my limbs, and my grip loosens before I finally open my eyes.
