Page 119 of True Honey
“Iprinted extra of these,” I said to Susanna and set the flyers for the Hornets summer fair on the counter.
We’re leaving aren’t we?
“Thanks honey,” she said, tapping her fingers along her keyboard.
“Anything else you need from me?” I asked her.
I love you.
“Nope.” She turned in her chair with a smile, “we should be good for the day. Why don’t you go collect Auggie and take him out for lunch?”
We’re leaving.
I love you.
“That’s a wonderful idea,” I said, forcing down the bile that rose in my throat.
Leaving.
“Get him some ice cream, on me,” Susanna gave me a five and winked as I grabbed my bag from the floor. I turned back as I stepped through the front door and looked at her for a long moment.
“Hey Susanna?” I said, waiting until she popped her head up. “Thanks.” It was simple but underneath it all I wanted to thank her for everything. She had been nothing but kind to me and I wish I could stop it but the darkness was back and every weakening thought rolling around in my head was screaming that I wasn’t good enough.
The problem was living with Silas made it hard to sink into it.
My body was giving out just pretending to be okay. I was trying. Forcing myself out of bed every morning for the last week, the sound of his voice haunting my every step and I plastered a smile on my face and got in the shower.
I just needed to get us into a hotel and then we could get on the road in a week or two. It made it easier with August on summer break. He wouldn’t be so angry with me. I had picked up my phone to call Bradley more than once. Thinking maybe it was time for August to go live there. I knew after this one he’d never look at me the same way no matter how hard I tried. No smiles, or treats could save me from the disappointment.
He’d hate me for this, for good.
But he had his entire life to live and I just needed away from Silas.
I couldn’t love him the way he needed me to.
I wasn’t good enough.
Last weekend proved it.
They were all too good for me, too kind, too loving. I was a black hole to Harbor.
He was going to sign those papers today, the shares would be his. His father would stay in jail after a long trial. He’d have Josh, Arlo… all the Hornets to get him through it and if I stay he’ll be distracted. He’ll have to spend more time taking care of me instead of what he should be doing.
“I uh…gotta go, Coach is screaming,” Josh’s voice broke through the nasty wall of depression thoughts.
“Hi,” I said, forcing a smile. He pushed his phone into his pocket and eyed me. “You’re going to be late for practice,” I said, stepping out of his way.
“No I’m not,” Josh said, looking me over and shifting on his feet. “Something is wrong.”
“I’m leaving early today to take August for lunch, Susanna gave me the afternoon off.” I explained, hoping that he wouldn’t see through the lie.
“Weird,” Josh hummed.
“Why is that weird?” I asked him, shifting the strap on my shoulder as he leaned against the door and blocked my way out. He waited a long time before speaking again.
“No reason,” he said, pushing out of my way and letting me pass. “Drew,” he said as I reached the door. “You aren’t about to do something that’s going to break my brother's heart are you?” He asked and the question burned like he had pushed a hot knife into my heart. Branding me with my own guilt.
“Just taking Auggie for lunch, Josh. Have a good practice.”
