Page 86 of True Honey
All the family stuff. I wasn’t sure if it made me feel better or worse that he was trying to protect me from burnout in the middle of hiding his injury. But I knew that nobody came out on top when we stopped communicating with each other. It’s a common argument with Arlo and yet there I was not following my own advice.
I inhaled slowly and turned back to face him with a tight expression just trying to hide how much his explanation tore me to shreds.
“Listen to me,” I said to him. “There will never be a reason why I don’t have time for you, you call, I’m there. No matter what’s on my plate, who’s causing trouble, how distracted I am. If you need me, I’m there. And I’m sorry I wasn’t, I’m sorry that this happened because you were protecting me when I should have been looking out for you.”
“I am a grown man you know.” Cael’s lips curled into that stupid goofy grin. “I’m not your responsibility, you don’t owe it to anyone to keep me alive.”
“I do,” I stopped him. “I owe your Mom.” I stepped forward and pretended to inspect his shoulder but really I just needed to ground myself to something, distract my thoughts to keep from crying in grief and frustration.
“Mom wouldn’t blame you for this.” Cael’s face twisted in confusion.
“No she wouldn’t,” I said, my voice losing its fight. “She wouldn’t have let it happen in the first place.”
The silence was thick as Cael’s chest rose and fell slowly.
“I get it now,” he said, “you’re trying to fill her shoes.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world but he was wrong. I could never fill Lorraine’s shoes, that was an impossible feat. “What did she say to you that day?”
The day she died.
“Come on, Si. Tell me, I want to know. You’ve never talked about it,” Cael’s voice was tight.She had left every single Hornet with something but she hadn't left me with anything but the responsibility of keeping her family together.
“Nothing,” I said, “we read the end of the outsiders book for the hundredth time and even though she could barely hold the book she insisted on reading Johnny’s letter to me just like she always did.” It was the truth, I hadn’t really gotten a good bye.
I expected Cael to push for more information but there was a smile on his face, soft and knowing. Almost irritating. “What are the last lines in that letter again? I forgot.”
“No you don’t.” I shook my head.
“No, I haven’t read it in so long I have no clue.” Cael shrugged, his face scrunching in pain from the motion.
“Uh,” I stopped to think about it, “something about having lots of time to make yourself what you want to be and there’s lots of good in the world, and to tell Dally. Which was irrelevant at that point because Dallas was dead. What was the point in this?” I asked as he rubbed a towel over his head to wick away the sweat in his hair.
“She was telling you something, she was reading the letter to you.” Cael said.
“That’s ridiculous and you know it. She just didn’t have anything to say to me, I don’t blame her. She had to see my ugly face every day until she died, I was nothing more than her doctor in the end,” I said, leaning against the wall.
“Bullshit, she refused to be anywhere but the Nest,becauseyou were taking care of her,” Cael swore. “She trusted you with her life,” he said. “You’ve always been a bit of a pessimist when it comes to your own worth, she saw through you. All that studious, responsibility crap. It’s always been us and you making sure we were all in one piece but you’ve never slowed down enough to enjoy the sunsets. That’s what she wanted to tell you.”
“You’re reading into it, it’s just a letter out of an old book.” I said tightly. I hated how easily the topic of Lorraine got under my skin. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a good mom, I was lucky to have one. But a woman like Lorraine left lasting impressions.
“I’m not,” Cael pushed, “she wouldn’t have left without telling you something, she gave us all something to hang onto. You just forgot what you were supposed to do somewhere along the way and it’s time you stop moving so fast and just enjoy what you’ve built.”
“The pain is messing with your head kid,” I scoffed, but a small smile formed on my lips.
“This wasn’t your fault,” Cael said, pointing to his shoulder. “She never wanted you to fill her shoes, you wouldn’t fit them anyways.” He laughed. He wasn’t wrong, no one could fill those shoes, ever. “Mom wanted you to fucking slip into your own for once.”
I stared at him for a second, appreciating how ridiculous he was about everything. He could win any fight, even the ones he didn’t start and never even throw a fist. No wonder my soul was covered in blisters, I’d been walking around in shoes that didn’t fit.
“I might have lost them along the way,” I admitted and he smiled at me.
“Buy some new ones, you’re stupid rich, remember?” He joked.
I dropped the last box for donation into the bed of Van’s truck and closed the tailgate. I was sweating through my t-shirt in the sun while I moved old crap out of the apartment that I didn’t need anymore, leaving room in my closet for Drew’s belongings.
I tugged the sweaty shirt over my head and shoved it into the back pocket of my jeans while I walked back through the house and downstairs. It was going to be a fight, I knew that. Standing there staring at my half-empty closet I knew she would argue about the move I was going to propose.
But for the sake of the lie, she needed to be in my room. We needed to be together.For the show….
The apartment door opened and Drew sauntered in with some bags in her hand headed towards her room. Her eyes stopped on me, dragging over my chest and back to my face. I pushed my hat off my head with a hand and curled it into my palm to keep from reaching out and grabbing her.
