Page 100 of Honeysuckle
When I returned, he was rubbing the back of his unhurt hand across his cheeks, and he was staring away from the showers, completely naked but not unaware of my presence. His knuckles were still red and raw, and his eyes were glassy with exhaustion.
“Go clean up. I’ll wait and drive us to Dansby house,” I said to him, and pointed to the showers.
TUCKER
TheNestwasquietwhen we arrived, everyone had either gone to dinner or retreated to their rooms to study or do school work. I was hoping that someone would be around to buffer the awkwardness between Josh and me. It took twice as long for me to shower than usual, but when I’d returned to the locker room Josh was still there waiting patiently for me to get my shit together.
I’d done it, I took the questions like bullets to my chest. I’d answered what I could, shut down what I couldn’t or shouldn’t. I knew that no one would be satisfied, and I could hear my cell phone buzzing in my locker like an incessant reminder that my parents' wrath loomed like a thunder cloud.
“Whatever comes next.”
That’s what he said.
But what came next was war, of the mind and body.
He disappeared to shower and for a moment I almost followed him like some lost puppy unable to navigate my own emotions. I would have just sat there on the counter until he was finished but it felt like too much.Unnecessary. So I wandered into the kitchen and stared at the fridge like something I actually wanted to eat might crawl out and nourish me with zero effort.
“I ordered pizza,” Josh’s voice broke me from the trance, and I couldn’t be sure how long I’d been standing there, but it didn’t feel like that long.
“Oh.” I flipped off the hat I was wearing and threw it on the counter. “Thanks.”
“Do you want to watch a movie or something?” Josh asked, he looked uncomfortable even though he was wearing the faded red Lorette hoodie and same sweats he wore after every game. He was being so normal, but I could see through it, and it unexpectedly frustrated me.
“What are you doing?” I asked him as he wandered around to grab his water from the fridge.
“Asking you if you want to watch a movie and eat pizza?” His brows scrunched together in confusion as the fridge door clicked shut between us.
“Stop being nice to me,” I snapped, shaking my head. “Be angry or mad at me—something!”
“What exactly do you want me to be angry about, Tuck?” Josh asked and set the bottle down on the countertop. “Defending me? Defending yourself?”
He made it sound so simple.
“I lost control, I let my temper take the wheel, and I could have hurt someone!” I argued loudly, not caring who was listening.
“You hurt Ian.” Josh’s laugh was gentle and surprising.
“That’s not who I am, I don’t punch people,” I tried to explain to him.
“I’m thanking you for punching him.” Josh flashed that cocky smile and I wanted to shove him, to make him understand that what happened was bad. It wasn’t anything to smile over. "You told me I was safe here," he reminded me.
"You are."
"You were just keeping your promise." He never took his eyes off mine, the weight of his words settling heavy against my aching chest. “If it counts for anything, you looked in control to me. Well, in the moment, after not so much,” he added.
I had embarrassed myself in the locker room, and I’d be thinking about it for weeks. How stupid I must have looked. It was a fight and a shitty press conference. No one had died, my life wasn’t falling apart, but everything had hit me like a ton of bricks. It weighed so heavily on my chest that it was hard to breathe if I moved. So instead I shut down, I stayed so still that I could feel my muscles contracting with each breath. A sure way to tell that I had started breathing again after so long holding my breath.
I probably looked like an idiot to Josh, and that’s why he was teasing me now. Because in a trauma contest, I lost every round. Compared to the shit that he’d gone through in his life, a few shitty family members I could escape and press I could ignore. My life had been golden.
I stopped, shaking my head at my own thoughts. I looked up at Josh.
My lifeisgolden.
Josh would hate the idea of someone describing him in such a way, he’d argue that he was cold and harsh like a bathroom floor in the morning after a bad sleep or the raw, upsetting feeling of disappointment. But he wasn’t, he was that first ray of sunshine sneaking through the dark curtains after the longest winter. Warm and annoyingly welcome even if he wakes you up at the crack of dawn.
Pay attention, Ella whispered in the back of my mind, and I looked closer at what Josh was saying to me.
Defending me?
