Page 85 of Honeysuckle
His answer didn’t make me feel better, but there wasn’t much else I could do. If he wanted to be sad and cover it with fake niceties, then I couldn’t push for more, not without breaking out the paper-thin trust we had built with one another.
I washed the dirt and sweat off my body, handing him the soap so he could do the same. The motions are slow and methodical, neither of us coming in contact but sharing the silence for what it was. It was mesmerizing how gentle he was for his size; his arms and back tensed periodically, but for the most part, he took the form of a rolling wave. His tan skin pulled tight as he rolled the soap over his body, his shoulder blades flexing with his back muscles as he angled side to side for the water to reach every spot.
I kept my eyes trained on his back as I washed my hair. I thought about giving him the bottle and slipping from the shower so he could finish, but the want to touch him that nipped at the back of my mind was loud today.
“Put your head back,” I ordered him and there was a brief pause, but he stepped back once and tilted his head back toward me.
The gap between us was minimal, and I could feel the heat rising off him as I filled my palm with shampoo and inched closer. Never touching skin to skin, but leaving inches between our naked bodies.
I paused, counting myself backward from ten with the simple reminders that I was in control and that I wanted to feel him, to do this for him. I chewed the inside of my lip as I reached one and ghosted my hand over the first set of curls that fell limp at his neck, saturated with water. His shoulders softened the moment I found my courage and sank my fingers into his hair.
Applying pressure, I massaged my fingers through the hair and watched carefully as he struggled to keep his balance as he relaxed further. His eyes were closed, but his hand was pressed flat against the shower wall to keep him upright as I worked the shampoo in his scalp slowly and carefully. I realized at that moment, Dean had never been taken care of. Our loneliness had stemmed from different trauma, manifested differently as we grew older, but festered with the most toxic need for independence.
I angled to the side to let the water rinse through his hair, helping the more stubborn curls with the pads of my fingers until all the soap was gone.
“Done,” I said and felt him straighten out and pull away from my touch.
I held my breath as the strange feeling of disappointment filled me. I hadn’t wanted him to pull away—and I’d never felt so hollow not touching him.. I swallowed the unusual emotion and slipped from the shower before he could do something stupid during our moment of vulnerability.
TUCKER
Joshhadlefttheshower so quickly I didn’t even get the chance to thank him—to tell him how fast his touch had silenced all the noise. I was fucked, royally and down bad fucked up over Joshua Logan.
And I couldn’t do a damn thing about it. I stayed in the shower until the water ran cold and bit into my skin. Panicking over how quickly I had eased back into a situation that looked so much like my previous one. Hidden rendezvous, sneaking around, never telling anyone who or what we were.
“Fuck,” I grumbled and got out. I got dressed quickly, the smell of Chinese food and the sound of laughter beckoning me to the living room where all the guys were piled on the furniture and spread across the floor.
“Here.” Cael handed me a box of fried noodles and vegetables. I took it and settled on the floor at his feet, setting it beside me and looking up at what they were watching.
“You guys are watching Transformers without Arlo?” I asked, and in unison, three of the guys, including Cael, mocked his voice.
“Why would they take the fight to the city when they were already in the desert? This movie is stupid!”
If there was one thing we could all count on, it was Arlo’s love-hate relationship with these movies. I’m surprised he wasn’t grumbling in the corner about the cleanup expenses in Las Vegas.
“He took Peachy out for dinner.” Cael leaned back on the couch and sank against the cushion between him and Van. “Figured we could watch the movie in peace,” he said after a long yawn.
We were halfway through the movie when I noticed Josh… standing in the doorway in a long sleeve and sweats watching the tv quietly. I know better than to tell him to come sit but the fact that he’s even trying to partake in the evening is something more than he did yesterday.
I could still feel his fingers in my hair, and it was the only thing keeping me from going insane. Coach had taken care of the press, but I still felt guilty for not doing my job. I was supposed to be able to put my personal issues aside, be able to lead the team without problems, but lately it just felt like all I did was mess it up more.
I knew that the guys didn’t care, they just wanted to play ball and they would continue to show up to do that no matter what happened next. But I felt bad because they were all being quarantined because of me. The vicious rumors and questions weren’t just slung in my direction, each and everyone of them had been subject to the wickedness of the press this week. And it was my fault.
Cael passed out with a string of tiny snores, and Van was drooling in his hair before the movie even ended… so I pushed off the floor, handed the box of food to Jensen and made my way to my room. I just needed some sleep and time to figure out what I was going to do. I couldn’t keep letting everyone push me around, but I didn’t want to disappoint anyone either.
One statement would prove my family right, and I’d never see a day of peace in my life knowing that I’d been disowned. I had spent every single day of my childhood in that house and had never missed a Sunday dinner until now. It was eating at me.
The other statement would allow me to keep my family but I wasn’t sure I even wanted to keep them half the time if it meant losing my dignity. Which is exactly what lying would do, I’d be able to return home for dinner, see my mom and dad. But looking them in the eye would make me sick and how was I supposed to lead the team if I couldn’t even stand up for myself and my morals.
I closed the door behind me, tugging off the clean shirt and throwing it to the side before I crawled into bed and pressed my face into the pillow. I wanted to scream, to just let it all out, and in that moment, completely alone, I did. The pillow ate most of the sound, and it felt good to let it all out in one explosive go.
“That was dramatic,” Josh said, closing the door behind him. “You forgot to eat,” he said, handing me a bowl of fried rice and shrimp. Food I had no intention of eating.
“Not hungry.” I took it but set it on the side table next to my bed.
“You played seven innings as a one-man team and haven’t touched anything that will actually replenish that spent energy. What’s the point of those meetings with Ms. Cody if you aren’t going to listen to her?” Josh picked the bowl back up and handed it to me again.
Relentless asshole.
