Page 32 of Honeysuckle
The path broke up and opened into a massive area that had been transformed into a high ropes course. Josh tilted his head back and the dark curls spilled down his neck as he surveyed the course. It was a permanent part of the camp, but still in immaculate shape. Silas made sure that they always had the funds for repairs; the camp never wanted for anything all they had to do was pick up the phone.
Rope lines were strung between the tree tops, separated by small platforms along the course. There were ladders, bridges, tight ropes, all suspended nearly fifteen feet off the ground.
“This is intense,” Josh grumbled, but his tone was nervous.
“Are you afraid of heights?” I asked him.
“No.” His head snapped toward mine and I could see the fear in his eyes. It battled against his usual anger, but I could see it in the way his jaw twitched and his brows softened.
“You are,” I whispered with a smirk. It felt good to have the upper hand just this once; even if he was nervous, it was nice to see a different side of him that wasn’t created by anger.
“Back off, Tuck.” He shook his head and wandered over to the other guys to listen to the instructor explain how to put on a harness. I watched his shoulders square up as he settled in next to the group. He left decent space between him and Todd, which was for the best, but today they would have to work together to finish the course in time. If Josh really was afraid of heights, he was going to need the support of his team to get him through it.
“Not bad.” Arlo appeared next to me.
I scoffed and crossed my arms over my chest. “Everything has gone to shit, at this point even getting them to stand next to each is cause for celebration.”
“That’s not true,” Arlo said. "They’ve made it through a few meals,” he offered.
“They have to make it through an entire season without killing each other.” I sighed.
“No they don’t.” He laughed and I turned to look at him, a little confused by his reaction.
“Isn’t that the whole point of spring camp? To make them some unbreakable team?” I asked him and he shook his head, looking back to the group of guys laughing and fighting playfully as they got ready.
“It’s never been about making them unbreakable, Tucker,” he explained. “It’s about guiding them in the right direction but giving them the space to make mistakes.”
“That binder is messing with my head.” I sighed. I had memorized it, front to back, and still had no idea how to captain the way Arlo had. It was eating at me, along with every other problem I was trying to balance on my shoulders.
“The binder is a bible,” Arlo said. “Stop trying to mimic and find your heart, Tucker. You need to figure out why Coach made you captain over all the other guys here. Once you do that you’ll figure out how to lead them.”
“I really hate it when you and Cael start that Yoda crap,” I grumbled.
“Never compare me to Yoda again. I’m clearly Obi-wan.” Arlo smiled and slapped a hand on my shoulder.
“I hate Star Wars,” I complained, throwing my head back.
“You need to lead with this.” Arlo pushed two fingers against my chest. “Stop letting this push you around, it’s not qualified.” He moved and tapped my temple with those same fingers.
“Are you saying I’m dumb?” I asked him, and he laughed again.
“No, Tucker, you just need to get out of your own head and start being you again. Ever since the accident you’ve been moving around like you’re walking on broken glass. No one is mad at you,” Arlo said and it unlocked a box that I had closed up tight on purpose. Guilt was a monster I couldn’t control and…
“And while you’re at it trying to be me; mean and loud doesn’t suit you.” Arlo backed away with a shrug and found a spot at the base of the course with Ella and Silas.
Lead with this—the problem was, my heart had been untrustworthy lately, more so than my brain ever had been. Wading through the heartbreak that Cael accidentally brought down around us was rough; for a few weeks after the accident I hadn’t been sure what to do with myself.
It was hard to even look at him, broken and bruised. The images of him in the hospital were nightmare fuel. His weak shoulder, torn apart and stitched back up again. Seeing the raw skin every time I helped him change his bandages forced horrible feelings to blossom in my chest. I was glued to his side until he went to rehab, and then again when he came home. We had used each other as comfort for so long that it was simple to fall back into it, until it wasn’t simple anymore. Guilt ate at me like a rabid dog. It crept up in the most vulnerable of moments to remind me that I had led Cael to his blow up. I’d told him I couldn’t love him—that he was too much for me. The fight that led to his downfall had stemmed from my vicious words; simple fear with no reasonable way to project it other than anger and accusation. I knew it wasn’t me that put the drugs in his system, I hadn’t forced him to drink, but I knew what he was going through and, instead of sucking it up, I let it out and it nearly killed my best friend.
Whether or not the guilt was well-placed or deserved, it was there. Festering.
I just wanted to be loved without conditions or secrets.
I had watched Cael Cody love a shadow for nearly five years. She had always been there and I’d always known I’d lose to her eventually. Whether or not she had returned or Cael ever saw Clementine again, I would have lost him.
It didn’t make it hurt any less, but at least I had been bracing for the impact from the moment I’d laid eyes on Cael. He was so loud and so loving. I never meant to drag him into the dark with me—his heart was too big to hide from the world. Cael was happier than I’d ever seen him. Even in her absence his mind was clear, his smile had returned, and he’d be a massive asset this season now that he could play. It was my own problems that needed to be sorted out.
I didn’t know how to live in a world where my family hated me for my heart—the real one. Not the one they assumed I had, girl loving, grandchild producing, golden boy. No, the blood that coursed through my veins, and caused my heart to race, had always loved boys. It always would and always in secret until I could figure out how to be honest with myself and my family.
