Page 75 of Honeysuckle
They weighed me down, and every step back onto the diamond felt like quicksand.
Coach ran us harder than usual, but with the season opener right around the corner, he didn’t have much of a choice. We needed to get our shit together. The burn in my lungs and the sting of my muscles felt good and combated all the dark thoughts swirling around in my mind. Focusing on the ball, the smell of the grass, the feel of the leather. It helped center me.
Each thrown ball, each perfected play was a breath taken without the aftertaste of failure and disgust.I could do this.
“There’s a party at Hilly’s tomorrow for Todd,” Jensen said as we started off the field.
“I don’t know if I’m in the mood for that man.” I shook him off and kept walking toward the lockers.
“Since when?” Jensen questioned, his hair pushed back off his face in damp, sweaty bundles.
“Is this because of camp?” Todd huffed. “We were just hazing him, he’s fine. It’s not like he hasn’t taken a few shots before!”
I whirled on him in the tunnel, my hand coming up to his chest as I shoved him against the wall.
“Hey, man!” He clawed at my arm, but I was twice his size.
“I don’t care about what you were doing, we don’t haze our own. You were being assholes,” I snapped.
“We were just joking around, no need to flip out!” A crowd of players formed in the tunnel, watching us as Todd tried to get out of my hold.
“You broke his nose,” I snapped. "You weren’t joking around and I’m sick of you all fucking around behind my back.” I dropped my hold and turned to the crowd that formed.
“I know what the hell you’re all thinking,” I said in a huff, opening my mouth to say something more but couldn’t find the words to express my frustration. I pushed through them all into the locker room and grabbed my duffle bag from the bench.
I would shower at the Nest because I couldn’t stand being around any of them. It felt like the entire world was nipping at my heels. Like all of a sudden, their opinion of me had changed simply because of one news article.
I threw my shit into the jeep and slammed the door.
“Fuck!” I screamed and rested my hands on the side of the vehicle. My chest was falling in rapid time, and it felt like my heart might claw its way out of me. It didn’t even want to be around me at that moment. I tried to work myself up, to bring the rage to a head, but the problem was I wasn’t Arlo, deep down I’d never be him. And that’s what the guys wanted, tough guidance with a strong hand and wise advice.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t even get mad properly, I didn’t even want to be mad. I just wanted everything to stop feeling so overwhelming all the time. I felt like I was drowning on dry land.
“Just get angry, you pussy,” I whispered to myself. I had every right to be. The world was crashing in around me, and within the next few hours, I’d basically be an emotional orphan. But still, even with the looming threat of my parents disowning me, the anger was absent and only guilt lingered.
“What the hell am I even feeling guilty for?” I rolled my eyes and tapped my fingers over the Jeep just trying to find a calm rhythm that would help me think, or at least slow down my thoughts enough to drive back to the Nest and panic in private.
“Alright Tucker, get your shit together. We can do this, face your parents, deal with the emotional torment and inevitable fall out, come home, do it all again in the morning when the press rides your ass for your sexual preferences…” I sighed. “Go to class, be ridiculed, go to games, avoid having tomatoes thrown at me…”
“Do they even throw tomatoes anymore?” Josh’s voice broke through the very private outside thoughts I was having as he rounded the Jeep. “I’d think they’d get more violent.”
“Announce yourself when you sneak up on people!” I scoffed.
“I did,” he said dryly. “You were in the middle of your monologue.” He shifted with his bag, and it was clear he hadn’t showered either. I could smell the sweet sweat and sticky remnants of pine tar from practice that rolled off him as he got closer.
“I’ll deal with Jensen’s attitude tomorrow.” I waved Josh off.
“Cool,” he said with a tight smile, clearly he didn’t give a shit what had happened in the hallway minutes before. “I need to shower before dinner.”
Before I could argue what that meant he was moving around to the passenger side and slamming the door behind him.
TUCKER
Joshwaswaitinginthe garage, damp dark hair curling against his forehead, wearing the same dress shirt he wore to games. I had been so worked up in the shower that my muscles were still cramping across my back, but seeing him standing there was like someone had found the pressure point and rubbed out all the knots.
He looked good, he always did, even in a cheap shirt and pants he had probably owned most of his life. It never mattered because he looked at me with all the confidence in the world, determined to prove himself past the assumptions.
I could learn lessons from Josh.
