Page 26 of Honeysuckle
I inhaled slowly, pushing down the thoughts of rage as I lifted off the log and left the fire behind. The response was a mixture of cheers and boos as I got further away from the warmth of the burning logs and closer to the dark cabin and my bed.
“Hey,” Dean jogged up behind me, “she was joking around, Logan.”
“It wasn’t Miele. I’m just tired. I did as you asked, I sat around your stupid fire and listened to your fucking fake ass stories, and now I’m going to bed.” I waved him off.
“No,” Dean snapped and veered around to block my path. “Stop.” He put his hands up but kept space between them and my chest. “You’re going to tell me why that made you so upset.”
“No.” I returned his blunt command with a smile on my face. “See, I can use that word too and I don’t owe you a story, golden boy. In fact, no one does, and yet you continue to force everyone to sit around your campfires and sing kumbaya.”
“I don’t even know the words to Kumbaya…whatever, listen.” Dean ran his hands through his hair with a small huff. “That’s not the real reason you left. You weren’t mad…” His tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, causing it to shine in the moonlight. “You were uncomfortable.”
Uncomfortable.
Is that what that feeling was?
Was I uncomfortable that they had a support system? Most of them came from good homes, with good parents and siblings.Cosy loves community service.He had said it like she enjoyed being selfless, and it bubbled up inside of me in a vicious way. People like that didn’t exist; not true, pure people. Everyone was broken, some with minor cracks but most were barely walking around, chunks of themselves rotting and festering into resentment and depression.
But they didn’t care…
They saw each other for their flaws and their strengths and it was fucking infuriating. It was the blind leading the blind but… was it anger that I felt…? Or was Dean right?
Was I uncomfortable that they were a family, chosen and patched together with different threads and fabrics, but a family nonetheless? And it extended down and out. They not only protected and cared for each other; everyone who touched the Hornets was brought under the umbrella.
But being under the umbrella meant being close to people, the space too cramped and tight for anyone to survive. My chest rumbled with panic again and I stepped back from Dean, just trying to catch my breath. The claustrophobia clawed at me like a rabid animal, ripping my conscious thoughts to shreds and leaving nothing but carnage behind.
It hadn’t happened in a while; the violent panic attacks, the ones I couldn’t control, but I could feel it coming on and there was little I could do to stop it once it started. The nightmares of my life seeped into the cracks and snuffed out whatever lights I had turned on to keep myself company in the darkness.
The worst place to be was inside my own head when it got dark–that’s when the memories of what happened played on repeat like bad movies, unable to stop the tape and forced to relive every horrible touch. Every scar on my body itched and stung like they were fresh, and I did everything I could to hide the pain as it surfaced and filled my eyes with water.
“You don’t know me, Tuck,” I snapped. “Don’t pretend like you want to. I’m not like you or your friends. I’m not here to be a part of your little family. I’m here to play baseball and finish my degree.”
I stepped around him, not giving him the time to argue as I marched up the steps to our cabin on stiff legs and slammed the door behind me. I sucked in a strangled breath as I collapsed against the door and slid to the floor just trying to breathe.
TUCKER
Iwanderedintotheofficethe next morning in dirty shorts and a sweat-soaked tank top. The warm air had finally arrived and the sun was beating down on the island. Practice would be hell after breakfast, but maybe I could figure out a way to reward the guys for all their hard work.
“You’re going to tell me what’s going on,” I said, slumping down in the chair across from Silas.
Glasses hung on his nose and he sighed as he slipped them off and leaned back to look at me. His hair was longer than usual; more greys starting to show the longer it got. His mustache had turned into a full beard that I wasn’t sure I liked any better, but it made him look tougher. He looked even more serious than before, which I didn’t actually think was possible, but under his gaze I was quickly regretting my bossy tone.
“I was trying on my Arlo voice?” I grimaced and he shook his head at me.
“What exactly is it that you want, Tucker?” He asked me, leaning forward on his desk.
“After last night I just…” I grumbled. “I need some more insight on Josh. I need to know why he’s here, and I need the real answer, not some bullshit one.”
I watched him think on it, his jaw tightening and his shoulders tensing. He was gearing up to lie to me.
“He doesn’t want to be here, Doc, and it’s causing trouble.”
“Just,” Silas sighed, “give him a chance to warm up to you.”
“It’s been a week of camp and he’s out-icing ninety percent of the world’s glaciers.” I sat forward. “He doesn’t want to warm up, he wants to run this alone and it’s going to kill our season. If I could just figure out how to relate to him, or help him…”
“Dean,” Silas started and I cocked my head at him. “Let him play baseball, that’s all you need to do.”
“No, no, no. That’s not all I need to do, Silas.” I waved my hands in the air. "I need to captain a team of guys who ruthlessly remind me I’m not Arlo. I have to win this season. Ineedthe scouts to see this win.”
