Page 134 of Honeysuckle
“So what?” I shrugged, my muscles rolling out as my body started to relax. It was then that Josh knew he wasn’t going to win the fight. That I’d already decided the outcome and Josh’s fear, his anger, it wasn’t a challenge I couldn’t overcome. I sank down among the garbage, proving that he would always have the control, giving him the higher ground, hoping he’d take it. I was past caring about appearances; the only thing I wanted was him.
“I’m here on my knees telling you I don’t care, I’m groveling at your feet to prove you wrong. I don’t care how pathetic I look as long as you understand that I’ll spend hours in this position if that’s what it takes to convince you, days, months, years.” I looked down at myself and put my arms out, gripping the door frame.
“I’ll get on my knees every day for you, Josh—if that’s what you need from me. I’ll worship you from a distance, memorize the sharpness of your tongue from your words, and dream about the smell of your skin just to show you what love means.”
He stared at me—my words seeping into the cracks of Josh’s heart, shining light through all the pain to reveal the love that still lingered. Scraped against the lining of his barely beating heart, it still existed; it just needed to be found.
“I can’t say it, Tuck,” he said to me, and he knew how disappointing that would be.
“I don’t expect you to,” I responded just as quickly, the honesty didn’t rattle me in the least.
“What if I can’t ever say it?” Josh asked me, his disbelief still running rampant.
“You will,” I said with a soft smile, my knees practically jello at that point.
“You’re incessantly hopeful.” He rolled his eyes.
“That’s the power of love, tough guy.” I rose from the floor and pressed my hand to his tense jaw.
“Fuck off, Tuck,” Josh choked out, his hand catching my wrist roughly but his lip tugged upward into a pathetic smile. The struggle was apparent but he was trying, with each small unsteady breath he came back to me. “This place is a disaster…” he was clearly trying to avoid any more hard conversations, and I was willing to follow the conversation off the cliff with him.
“We don’t have to deal with it right now…” I said, looking around, his thumb pressed against the inside of my wrist in response. “Or we can…” I stumbled over what to do next, what he needed. “Tell me what to do and I’ll do it.”
“I need it done, I need it all gone…” he said, his breathing still shallow and his eyes shifting around the space frantically. “I can’t come back here,” he said, the tone shifting to desperation as his eyes met mine again.
“Okay, done.” I leaned in, not waiting for permission for the second time that day and stole a reassuring, tender kiss from his bottom lip. His tongue swiped out over it when I pulled away, but he didn’t seem upset about the contact. “Let’s get to work,” I said, letting go of him.
We started with the bathroom, and at some point in time, Cael and Arlo started in the living room. Josh instructed that everything went to the dump, and when Silas tried to get him to look over the stuff in question, Josh nearly went toe to toe with his brother. Once we had them separated again, Van, Todd, and Jensen had shown up with trucks, and Reyes had managed to borrow his uncle's trailer.
We loaded it up in silence, no one talking or asking questions. Just hours of silence. At some point after a massive argument, Josh finally consented to Silas and I clearing out his bedroom. He didn't want anyone else inside and was willing to leave it locked up but Silas made a case for nosy reporters and Josh was broken by logic. The room was disgusting, not because it was dirty but because it was the cleanest room in the house. It broke my heart. It was clean because it had once had to take visitors and Josh had just formed a habit of keeping it that way. It barely looked lived in.
Like a conjugal cell. There was a real bed, with a mattress a size too small for Josh to fit in and a clean dresser that was spotless except for a lamp. Silas and I cleaned it out in silence but my skin was crawling and for a split second I was glad she was dead. For doing this to him all those years. When I was finished I went out beside the dumpster and emptied the contents of my stomach onto the asphalt.
By the time the sun fell in the sky the entire team was there following directions. Josh never spoke to anyone but Silas, Cael or me but I saw his eyes wandering around from time to time. He was observing the team with silent adoration; it was written all over his face.
Midnight came and went, Silas ran for pizza, stopping for ice cream by my request, and Cael found an old stereo that still had life. It only played one horrible Backstreet Boys CD—and skipped during the last tracks—but it made some of the guys laugh. Jensen nearly put out his shoulder carrying out the old furniture with Arlo and Dougie. While Cael complained that we should just toss it out the window from the seventh floor.
The apartment was completely bare by two am, and we all were lying around on the tile, stuffing our faces with pizza in silence. Josh sat beside me with a box of pizza at his feet, but he hadn’t touched any of it. I cradled a tub of ice cream in my palm and held it out to him, but his eyes remained in the distance, somewhere far away that I couldn’t reach him.
“You should eat.” I nudged him gently, and he nodded but didn’t move to touch the food. Instead, he pushed off the floor and stood up with his shoulders pinned back tightly and a dark look on his face.
Everyone watched as he worked up the courage to say something to them. It was extremely out of character to address them at all, but for the second time that month, Josh had reason to.
“You didn’t have to come here tonight,” Josh said, and the team listened, everyone setting down their food and drinks to give him their full attention. “And I know that I’m not always the easiest person to get along with, but I need to say thank you. For showing up and for having my back.”
Josh shifted on his feet, clearly unsure of his next move, but then he lifted his fingers and tapped the space over his heart twice. I looked over at Silas, who was staring up at his younger brother with a set jaw, but there in his eyes was so much pride that it was seeping from his typically stoic features. My chest ached for him as the rest of the team followed in succession, each of them tapping their hearts in a show of unity.
Josh lowered back to the floor without another word and slumped against the wall. “Very cult leader of you,” Cael whispered across the gap—and any other day, Josh might’ve smacked him for it, but a smile spread across his face, and he reached out for a piece of pizza.
TUCKER
“Youlookhandsome,”Caelsaid, leaning against the doorframe behind me.
I turned to look at him over my shoulder, buttoning up the sheer dress shirt with a smile on my face. I tugged at the collar, but it just didn’t seem to wanna lay flat against my chest. He wandered over, still in his sweats and stupidfuckboycropped t-shirt, but with a soft look in his big blue eyes.
“There’s still time for us to be a throuple,” he said quietly as he forced the collar into position with ease. "Clem wouldn’t mind her boyfriend having a boyfriend.”
“I’d mind my boyfriend having a girlfriend.” I rolled my eyes at him as he backed away, and I turned to the mirror. Cael shifted away from me, crossing his arms over his chest and causing his shirt to ride up over his stomach.
