Page 107 of Honeysuckle
Van helped Zoey from the counter, kissing her gently before the five of them disappeared into the crowd, leaving Van and me to field nonsense from the team. But something felt off, missing.
“Did Logan come?” I asked Van.
He pulled off his hat and smoothed out his hair with his hands as he shook his head. "I tried to get him to, but he said he had too much studying to do.”
“Studying?” I scowled. “He did that all morning…”
“How’s he doing?” Van asked me, his voice so quiet in comparison to the sounds of the party as Cael took over the sound system and started blasting TLC.
“It’s Josh, he’s fine, I think… I don’t think he would tell me even if I asked.” I took the cup that Van held out for me and sniffed it before scowling at the warm whiskey scent. I set it on the counter, and he eyed me uncomfortably.
“So why are you so on edge?” Van asked and took a swig of his beer.
“Me? I’m not, I’m fine—” I said and was cut off by laughter.
“You’re not fine, the second you realized he wasn’t here you clammed up and now you’re being weird,” Van said, pointing at my drink. “You never say no to whiskey,” he noted.
“Don’t therapist me, we’re at a party,” I said to him and rolled my eyes.
“Be honest, then, what’s got you so wound up?” He asked, leaning across the shitty island on his elbows. He stared at me for a long while, I knew he wanted answers about everything: baseball, Riona, my parents…
“I haven’t heard from them.” I shrugged.
Van’s face scrunched up momentarily as he tried to figure out who I meant, but it wasn’t long before he nodded softly. "Your parents.”
“Yeah, I expected some blow up but it’s just silence and it feels like I’m walking on glass, especially at school when I could run into Dad anywhere,” I said. “I googled other schools' baseball programs, Van,” I added and he grimaced.
“Bad, bad.” Van swallowed down the rest of his beer and circled the island. “If you haven’t seen your dad in a week, good chance he's avoiding you too. You take three classes in his building,” he said.
“Is that supposed to be advice?” I said, with a defeated huff.
“No, it’s just the reality of the situation, your parents never understood your value, Tucker. They saw you as a trophy, maybe it’s a good thing to be free of them, of that.” Van smiled at me, his brown eyes soft and understanding.
“It doesn’t feel like a good thing, I feel guilty,” I confessed.
“For what?” Van asked, and I knew I had walked into a trap.
I stared at him, all the answers on the tip of my tongue and knowing that he had a rebuttal for every single one of them. I was acutely aware of how stupid I sounded, but I just couldn’t get my brain to follow my heart. Logically, everything I had done was warfare in their eyes, refusing their help, turning my back on my blood because I wassick.Emotionally, I felt free, like I could finally just be who I wanted without the fear of upsetting my family. But the guilt sat between those things, eating away at my logic and happiness until all that was left was shame and guilt.
“I see the gears turning, Tucker, but you aren’t going to come up with something that outweighs your heart. There’s pure stupidity in letting them make you feel guilty for who you are. You’re not hurting anyone by loving men. And Dean—you’re not hurting Cael…” Van said, his hand cupping my shoulder and his fingers digging into the muscle. “…By loving Logan, if that’s what you need, what you want…” he added quietly, and before I could argue, Zoey barreled into the kitchen.
“Come dance!” She screamed at the two of us over the music and dragged us from the kitchen. Her tiny hand pulled me along, but all I could think about was Van’s last words. Loving Logan. Did I? Was that what this was? Maybe I didn’t argue because there was nothing to disagree about…
I had always thought I loved Cael, and maybe I did, for what our love could be; but it was never whatever this was. When Cael was out of sight, he was almost always out of mind. But without Josh here, by my side, it felt cold. Like I was exposed to the elements, to the rumors and gossip.
Cael loved me in the dark, where the shadows couldn’t reach.
And at the time, that was what I needed, what I demanded of him, but eventually the darkness just became the shadows. The darkness became toxic, suffocating. It was a box of my own design, and I had nearly killed Cael by locking him inside with me.
Josh had taken a stand, he wasn’t going to be pushed around. Not by me, not by anyone.
He loved me in the light.
Not caring about the shadows that bit into his skin as he stood by my side, protecting me with his own flesh and blood. The music was so loud, but somehow I could still hear my heartbeat in my ears as I thought about him. All the times he had stepped in front of me, taken care of me at the expense of himself.
What the hell was I doing?
“I’ll be back,” I yelled at the group over the music and darted from the house. I jogged all the way up the hill, my feet digging into the path and my muscles aching from the unexpected activity. I’d never run so fast, and my lungs begged for reprieve as I leapt up the backstairs into the nest.
