Page 201 of Smoke and Fire
A quick stop at Vikram’s ended in failure. He didn’t answer the door. I had to suppress the urge to pick his lock and break inside to shake some sense into him, which we’d done before.
The thought of getting back to Dahlia propelled me away from his place with a few threats to return as soon as I could.
Before leaving Jackson City, I texted Dahlia.
Bastian:Can I stop by and see you?
Dahlia:Of course! I just got off work and am watching online videos about replacing my stabilizer jack. Dagny’s guy should have parts a week earlier than the other place. You know, the usual.
Bastian:Leaving Jackson City now.
The clock crept past three by the time I made it halfway through the canyon. There was still laundry to fold and a list of things to buy. We’d abandoned my to-do list yesterday after the Armenian restaurant. Now, after laying everything out to Dagny, my mind churned around with new mental space to think.
I didn’t know where things lay between me and Dahlia after the intensity of yesterday. It wouldn't be a stretch to call usfriends, yet I’d plunged her face first into the drama of my life. She took care of my cat and my company. Those pushed us a step beyond friends.
Was I desperate?
Was this fair to her?
I wasn’t an idiot, even if women and relationships and pressure gave me anxiety. Dahlia had some interest in me or else she wouldn’t have been so kind yesterday. Or maybe she would have. Some people felt obligatory kindness.
Maybe she’d turn me away today. Tell mesorry, I’m not interested in this because I want Jakob backor far more likely,sorry, I'm not interested in the details of your life.
Hadn’t that been happening forever? Women weren't interested in what I had to offer. They wouldn't be interested in Jess's books if they knew a male wildland firefighter wrote them. Dad had plenty of women he’d tried to date over the years that had eventually left, unwilling to invest in children with special needs. My birth parents hadn't been interested in me either.
At least, not at the time.
Which is exactly the moment I chickened out.
Despite my discussion with Dagny last night, I knew then that I couldn’t invest more time in Dahlia. Yes, I wanted more help in my world. No, I didn’t trust more help. Because people left.
I didn’t want to endure Dahlia leaving, not when Inessa and Dad had so little life left.
What would happen to me when Dahlia left too?
Disaster.
Difficult or not, things flowed more easily in my world when I took care of them myself. It had always been that way. Dahlia had already taken on too many pieces of my life, I had to stop the process before I gave up too much.
Instead of steering the truck to Dahlia's once I rumbled into Pineville, I navigated through the old neighborhood and sat in Dad's driveway with a sinking feeling.
Coward. Major, major coward. Unable to help myself, I grabbed my phone and sent her a text before I could stop the momentum.
Bastian:Sorry, forgot a few things I need to grab before tomorrow, and still have some laundry to do. Maybe we can meet up when I get back? I leave early.
Her response took several minutes to come.
Dahlia:Totally fine. Need any help?
Bastian:I’ve got it, thanks.
Dahlia:Everything okay with your sister and dad? Did you like the hospital people?
A wary smile stole over me, but quickly died. Surely, she meant hospice. Another sign that she didn’t live in the same world as me. Frankly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to bring her into it.
Wouldn't be fair or simple or safe or any of those things.
Bastian:Went fine, thanks.
