Page 86 of Clean Sweep
Whatever happened had driven a deep wedge and I wished I could heal it. Something similar seemed to happen with Stacey, and I couldn’t help but wonder if it had something to do with Nicholas’s propensity to shove everyone away from him as fast as he could.
Turned out, however, it was my turn to get grilled.
“I heard you got in a fight with Coach.” He leaned forward slightly. “What happened?”
“Said who?” I asked.
Nicholas shrugged. He didn’t look away, even though I kept the majority of my focus on the pancakes. Unnecessarily, perhaps. No batch of pancakes had ever been this critical.
Whomever gave him his information, he wouldn’t give them up. He would have made a great reporter with his natural intelligence, hot pursuit of the truth, and ability to keep everything locked inside.
“Fight is a strong word,” I replied. “Misunderstanding might be better.”
“Have you talked with him about it?”
“Not yet.”
When no further response came, I glanced up. Nicholas stared, unseeing, at the griddle where the pancakes browned. I flipped them on top of each other in a growing stack, then plopped it on an empty, waiting plate. More circles appeared on the griddle as I poured the next batch, and the routine soothed me.
My frustration, though I’d directed it at Tanner, had really been geared more toward my lack of control. A deeper issue was at work here.
My boys were growing up.
Separating myself as their sole help in times of distress hadn’t come easily. Landon also hadn’t experienced the true toils of adulthood before now. Not being the first person Landon turned to had hurt my feelings, but it was also a part of life.
Sure, he’d had some mishaps and broken-hearted moments in college, but nothingtrulydeep, like what he and Starla would face now. Landon and Starla already had a depth of love that I’d never seen.
I was honest enough with myself to accept that I couldn’t be everything for all my boys, nor could I remain their number one forever. The realization didn’t come easy, but felt right when I let it in.
Now, I had to find the words to say it all to Tanner without breaking my chances.
My hasty reaction and frustration toward him may have cost me more than I wanted to give up. I already missed him.
How could that be?
“How is logging?” I asked. Nicholas blinked out of his thoughts, then leaned his head onto his hand.
“Fine. Busy.”
“Tiring?”
“That too.”
“How much longer are you going to do what’s ranked as the most dangerous job in the country?”
I tried to infuse as much meaning into the question as I could manage. Nicholas’s lips twitched, but he let the subtle jab go.
He shrugged. “Not super sure. I’m making $50,000 a year right now. Since I’m sharing a place with some other guys for really cheap rent, I think I’ll work another year or two and save up.”
“For what?”
He opened his mouth, but shut it again. Something big lay in his eyes—a plan. Just what that plan would entail, however, I had no idea.
“Something,” he finally said, and left it at that.
Blake and Max came thudding down the stairs, saving him from the questioning about to follow. The carefully-curated stack of pancakes quickly disappeared, victim to their ravenous forks, and I hustled to keep up with their larger-than-life appetites.
Today, I’d need their cooperation and help, and that came more easily on the heels of a full stomach.
