Page 54 of Clean Sweep
“What areyougoing to do when Celeste is gone?” I asked, sensing that a deeper question lingered under his.
“I don’t know.”
He sounded like a lost boy for a moment. I tucked my feet deeper beneath me and burrowed into the couch, relieved to have his voice in my ear again. The snap of the fire lulled my muscles into a more relaxed state.
“I haven’t even figured out what I’m going to do for Christmas this year,” he added with a wry twist. “Celeste is with her mom and her stepdad. Normally, I don’t really care. They’re just outside Jackson City so she’s not that far away. But this year? I don’t know . . . It feels like it’s different. Like it’s her last year at home for Christmas.”
“Feels that way,” I said, “but she’ll come back.”
“It’ll be different when she comes back.”
“True.”
“I don’t likedifferent. I’ve managed to keep a pretty steady state of life for us. Now everything feels like it’s that unsteady moment right before massive upheaval, you know?”
My lips twitched, but I managed to keep amusement out of my voice by sheer willpower.
“Different is hard,” I said, “but it can also be a great thing. I don’t know the details of your divorce, but I’m going to assume it was a good thing?”
“Yes,” he said instantly. “It was the right thing. Good point.”
I held my breath, secretly hoping for more information, but he canted the subject just enough that I couldn’t tilt it back without it being obvious that I wanted more details on his secret life.
“Do you have plans for when Blake leaves?” he asked.
“Oh, loads of them. Sometimes it feels like I’ve been waiting the last twenty years for this moment.”
“Really?”
The genuine shock in his voice almost made me laugh, but I let it go again. I didn’t know for sure, but I thought he’d been divorced from his ex-wife for most of Celeste’s life, based on what she said. At least since elementary school, because she’d spoken about the difficulty of living in two places all her life.
“Yes. I was a stay-at-home mom. I didn’t build as much of a life outside myself as I could have. I just . . . I wanted to be home with my boys and it was great. I wouldn’t change it. But toward the end it felt stifling. So I started a picture of what I wanted after this phase of my life as they left the house.”
“And what is it?”
I laughed. “Oh, look who thinks he gets to know everything!”
“Too much to ask?” he asked wryly, and I laughed again.
“No, not really. Some of my plans are very vague, likehave a career that feels fulfilling, ortravel somewhere I’d never thought of before, andmeet new people. Others are really specific, likepay off the mortgage, get my passport,andlearn how to cook for one person instead of six.House swap with someone in France. That kind of thing.”
He whistled. “It’s a good list.”
The contemplative tone that had taken over his voice made me wonder. Had henotthought about life after kids? What did men think about the shift into something else?
He’d had the majority of Celeste for years, so he’d probably understand it more than Ethan. Ethan had spent most of his time at his office. To separate himself from the boys had always been easier—that had been built into his life.
Not for me.
“Thanks,” I said and tucked my toes into the cushion. “As far as lists go, it’s my best one. Totally focused on what I want, no one else. The list is about me living out my best life with no husband and no small kids around my legs.”
The assertion came out stronger than I expected. Had I come ontoostrong? Did I feel an unusual need to assert my independence right now?
But why?
“You’ve earned it,” Tanner said, and with feeling. “I hope you make it happen.”
“Thanks,” I murmured, at a loss. “I appreciate that.”
