Page 21 of Shy Girl
This couldn’t possibly be real.
Behind me, I left a studio attic full of broken-down pallet wood that was supposed to earn me the money to do something just like this. Ever since I accidentally stumbled onto Mom's non-disclosure agreement with Anthony Dunkin and my whole world flipped upside down.
Now, a wild opportunity had landed in my lap.
There were a thousand things I already feared about a trip like this. Being seen in my swimming suit. Laughed at for my stutter—or even justtoleratedoravoidedbecause of my stutter. Sometimes, utter rejection was easier than people being polite but frustrated with how long it took for me to get words out. Not to mention the looming truth that hung above it all. The ugly monster. The realreasonI had said yes to Jayson’s insane plan. My unknown, absent, biological father would be there.
Because he was the father of the bride.
A copy of the non-disclosure agreement signed by both my mother and Anthony Dunkin lay tucked into my bag, where it would remain until I found the perfect opportunity to approach Anthony and hand it over. I wouldn't say anything to his wife, and I wasn't here to out anybody. I didn't want money.
I just wanted some acknowledgment.
The sheer audacity of showing up at this wedding made me more nervous than anything. I just wanted to see him. See what kind of person he was. See how I felt when I stood before him. See what it was like to face the man that influenced my world so much for how little he was in it.
Although I’d had three days to get used to the idea of traveling to meet my biological father with Jayson, I’d just avoided thinking about it. Avoided Serafina’s text messages, her squeals of excitement when she stopped by and I updated her on everything. But I stopped my denial long enough to take her clothing advice. New swimsuits, cover ups, and shorts packed in a bag somewhere in the belly of the plane completed several possible ensembles. Besides, I’d never been to an elaborate wedding like this, and the thought of elegant dresses had been too daunting to tackle alone.
My hands clutched the arm rests as the plane gave a little bounce that jolted me out of my thoughts. Lights popped on over the seats ahead of me, then off again. On the aisle seat, Jayson riffled through a magazine he found stuck into the plane pocket in front of him, then shoved it back in the pocket. His leg bounced restlessly. Apparently, he didn’t like being locked into a metal tube tens of thousands of feet above planet earth.
I kept my eyes straight ahead to avoid awkwardly staring at him. My mind still rotated around my main tenet of disbelief in this whole mess.
What was I thinking?
For one, I'd been thinking that I'd have a free ticket to meet my biological father. On the other hand, a small hope that I could humanize Jayson and stop being so obsessed with him arose close after. Would my obvious focus on him wane if we spent too much time together? I certainly hoped so.
My stomach churned yet again. I still couldn’t comprehend that such a strange circumstance was real. That Jayson Hernandez asked me to go to a wedding with him, where the father of the bride happened to be my biological father whom I’d been hoping to meet for years.
My thoughts fragmented again, the way they did when I tried to comprehend this disaster. Would accidental sperm donor be a better word? The whole mess made Helene my sister of a sort, and she knewnothingabout me.
Anthony Dunkin had been a blip in the timeline of my mother’s life. Likely, a one-night stand that resulted from a drunken tryst while Mom was on vacation in Texas, although details were sparse. From what I could discern through tracking down dates and internet searches, he was married at the time to the woman who remained his wife. At what would have been two months pregnant, Mom signed a non-disclosure agreement on advice of his attorney, and he gave her a consideration of $50,000 to never say a word about him.
Mom had kept her end of the bargain, but she hadn’t hidden the non-disclosure agreement well enough. Which only made this all that much crazier.
What if I looked like Anthony more in person than what photos revealed?
What if he knew me when he saw me?
The latter possibility seemed nearly impossible. The man left my life when Mom was less than three months pregnant with me. How would he ever know me? Although I couldn’t deny the very distant, remote possibility he’d recognize something in me. Mom hadn’t lived in Pineville at the time of the affair, so he’d never know to connect her to a place. Maybe he’d recognize me in her? Him in me?
The odds of him finding out who I was were almost non-existent. I just wanted toseehim. Observe him in his life and with his family. See what kind of man brought half of me to the table and then walked away with a $50,000 consideration and never looked back.
More importantly, I wanted him to seeme.
Maybe the whole mess would all make sense once I met him. He wanted to keep his secrets hidden because his life was so lovely and perfect. Maybe I’d feel a sense of relief—or betrayal—in what would never be. The other haunting questions of my parentage, the really vulnerable ones, would always be unanswered.
Did he think about me?
Did he regret not knowing me?
Was he ashamed of me?
Even days after Jayson revealed Anthony’s name, I felt stunned by the cocktail of fate that played out in my life. What were the odds that all of us could be so interconnected? That strange situations and circumstances could bring us full circle this way? It seemed almost too bizarre to be real, but then . . . how could itnotbe real?
As if all that pressure wasn’t enough to deal with, I had to throw Jayson Hernandez on top of the pile. My throat tightened as I thought about how this complicated maze would all play out between me and Jayson. Not well for my part, I’d bet. He’d be in a tuxedo or swimsuit at any given moment. With his quick, warm smile and that boyish expression, I’d drown.
At least Jayson had agreed to go as friends. Stuttering was hard enough, but my conscience made it worse. I was unable to speak when I lied, and would have been a horrible mess pretending to be his girlfriend. As lovely as the dream seemed to be, the reality was far less functional outside my head.
Something Serafina said whispered through my mind as the turbulence calmed.Can’t you just enjoy this opportunity? You’ll be with Hernandez! There’s no one safer or more gentlemanly than him.
