Page 82 of Fighter
We were a bigger mess than I thought.
There was no hesitation anymore. Hearing those words from Ava's mouth made it all too clear: Serafina had been absolutely right.
Sadie still had too much power over me. There was too much here to deal with alone, both for me and Ava. Ava watched me carefully. When she wore a wary expression like that, she looked just like me. Nervous for her answer, but needing to know exactly where we stood, I swallowed and asked, “Do you think that's true?”
She held her breath, frowned, and after a pause that felt like several eternities strung together, she finally shook her head. Relief I'd never known in my life poured through me.
“Why don't you think that's true?”
“Because you came back for me.”
“To the hospital?”
She nodded.
The night I heard of Sadie's accident whipped through my mind. The moment Ava's nanny called me to tell me about Sadie's condition in the ICU, I'd asked Maverick to find me a flight while I packed my bags. Within eight hours, I held Ava in my arms at the hospital while she cried on me. Sadie passed an hour later. At the time, Avan and I didn't know each other well. Sadie had jealously guarded and kept Ava from me and from most of my attempts to be part of her life. But Ava knew me well enough that she came to me then. Clung to me. She seemed to understand that I was all she had left, for better or worse.
“Good,” I whispered, and gave her arm a gentle squeeze. “Because it's just not true that I don't want you to be happy, or that I don't love you. You are the most lovable little girl in the world, and I love you more than anything, Ava. You are the most important thing to me. And I want you to be happy.”
She sniffled. “Okay.”
“That doesn't mean I'm perfect,” I said wryly. “I'm going to mess up a lot, and sometimes you're going to be frustrated with me. Sometimes, I'll be frustrated with you, but it doesn't mean I don't love you. It means . . . that we have things to talk about. Okay?”
She nodded.
“So you might have to help me and be patient with me and I'll promise the same.”
“Okay.”
“I'm sorry your Mom told you that, and I hope you can let it go. Love you, little bit.”
A hesitant smile appeared on her face. “Love you too, Daddy.” She stepped into my open arms and wrapped her little arms around my neck. For the first time in a while, something settled deep inside me.
While she skipped off to find something to do, I stared at the spot where she disappeared. At least we'd mostly cleared the air. I'd started the Sadie conversation and learned that we needed more help than I could give.
Now, I had to figure out something for this beating, broken piece of molten lava where my heart used to be.
My gaze darted around the house, which now smelled burnt and still looked disastrous. While I missed the little touches of Sera in my life, none of this stupid stuff mattered. My house could fall apart and Ava run around naked like a feral child for all that I cared. None of it meant a damn thing without Serafina here.
Yes, her help running the house made my life better, but that wasn't why I missed her. Ava and I had managed this chaos before, and we'd do it again. But when we'd managed it with Sera? It had been better.
Ihad been better.
Happier. Full of more joy. I looked forward to waking up. In fact, I looked forward to coming home, a place that was neither empty or pulling on all my time. A place that hadn't been safe until Serafina brought her sunshine into it.
The question was—hadshebeen better? Happier? Full of more joy.
To her words, yes.
My eyes slammed shut on that thought. With a muttered explicative, I stood up. Dammit, but I had it all wrong. My fear of becoming like Sadie, or maybe just losing Sera because I even resembled Sadie, had overtaken me to the point I didn't evenaskSera her side of it. Didn't ask her if she wanted me, just assumed she'd hate me later and wanted to shut it down before it hurt any further.
Although I could hardly believe it myself, there had to be some redeeming aspect of me that brought her back. That initiated those heart-stopping kisses I couldn't stop thinking about. That gave her that broken-hearted stare that nearly broke my heart. That could possibly induce her to want to stay with me and Ava.
I straightened.
Maybe it was time to ask Serafina and find out the truth once and for all instead of deciding for her. Because my daughter had been fighting for her. Now it was my turn to fight in what was the most important fight of my life so far.
“Ava!” I called.
