Page 75 of Fighter
I ran a hand through my hair. This didn't feel as good or as right coming out as I wanted it to. The expected relief didn't follow again. Venting it was one thing. Living it was another thing entirely.
Why didn't she say anything?
She blinked several times. “Ben, I . . .” She stood, and I stopped pacing. We stood three feet apart, but the heat from her gaze still slammed into me. She tilted her chin up slightly, her shoulders squared. Despite her defiant posture, her tone was gentle.
“Ben, I love you.”
My soul shattered in a million pieces.No,I wanted to say.I can't be too late. How could you love someone so broken?
Like a sucker punch to the ribs, I sucked in a sharp breath.
She couldn't love me.
How could she love me?
“Exactly as you are, right now,” she continued, brave despite what must have looked like fright on my face. “You give meyouand that's all I want. You are enough, Benjamin Mercedey. For me. For Ava.”
“You say that now, but what if that's not enough later?” I whispered. “When things are even harder. When we're deeper into this and our true colors come out and things aren't as exciting?”
A wounded look came to her face. I stepped forward, nearly toppled by the lightest scent of coconut shampoo as it slammed into me.
“Serafina, I haven't even taken you on a date. I've kissed you without even dating you.” I swallowed hard. “There are things I want to do to you that . . .”
My fists clenched with a blaze of heat, and it took all my considerable control not to bound across the space and grab her. I wanted to lock her into my arms and never come back up for air.
Her eyes were so wide the edges were ringed in white.
“I don't know if I can earn the right to have you,” I continued mercilessly. Because she had to know. “Two days ago, I wanted to help you after you sent me that text. Wanted to call you and find you and see if everything was okay. But Ava called right after. She was sick and needed me to pick her up from school. I couldn't be there for you. Not the way you're always here for us. This is what happened with Sadie. It was perfect in the beginning, but it changed. It devolved. Eventually, she became a monster that took, and took, and took. She would have owned my soul if I let her. Maybe she even did. I can't . . . I can't be that to you.”
Her hand twitched at her side, but stayed there. For a long, long time, something swelled between us. I couldn't read her gaze. She appeared exhausted. There were bags under her eyes, and I realized that I didn't know what had been happening for her the last couple of days.
Perhaps this was more selfish than I'd thought.
Finally, she asked, “What do you propose, Ben? Is this you breaking—” Her brow furrowed into deeper confusion. “What does this mean?”
“I don't know.”
Her nostrils flared. “You can have it or you can't, Ben,” she said furiously. “You brought this up.Youhave decided for me that I won't benefit from an arrangement that previously made me very happy. You tell me whatyouwant now.”
The feeling of being a selfish jerk that I'd been trying to avoid all this time started to creep up. Had I completely misinterpreted all of this? How could she possibly find joy in a relationship that didn't offer something back?
I just didn't want to be Sadie.
Didn't want to destroy Sera the way Sadie destroyed me. Until I was in a position to do more for Sera, how could this ever be fair?
“I want you to be happy and safe,” I finally said. “That's all I will ever want for you.”
She sucked in a sharp breath and moved back a step. “No,” she whispered, and moved back another. “That's a damn lie, Benjamin Mercedy. A lie you're telling yourself to feel better. You don't want that more than something else, because Iwashappy and safe.Youmade me feel safe. Being with you and Ava brought me joy. I understand that you're trying, in some convoluted way, to do what seems right in your head. But you're missing the point.” She pressed a trembling hand to her chest. “I'm. Not. Sadie.”
“I never thought you were,” I said quickly. “You could never be Sadie. You're too good Sera. I am the Sadie in this situation.”
She softened slightly. “Butyouaren't either,” she added quietly. Her head tilted to the side with a sorrow that stunned me. “You're afraid, Ben. That's what's wrong here. This isn't about me—not really. This is about Sadie and her hold on you. Until you let her go, you're right. We aren't ready for each other. You can't give enough to me, Ben, simply because you don't even have enough for yourself. Sadie still does. You can't even let yourself see what a good dad you are. It's like she's still whispering in your ears, or something.”
“Sera . . .”
But my response died. I didn't know what to say. Her jaw tightened when her gaze dropped to the ground. Another silence followed, as if she debated something, before she finally pulled in a deep breath. Her shoulders set. The abyss of fatigue in her expression made me want to reach for her, but I held back.
“I wasn't going to tell you,” she said, “because you have a lot going on right now, but you should know that Talmage overdosed two days ago.”
