Page 74 of Fighter
I couldn't do that to Sera.
My fists clenched. The knot of tension unfolded in my chest like cords of fire. It still burned, but now I knew what it was. We had to figure this out. I cared for Sera, probably even loved her, though I wasn't really sure what that looked like. Whatever this desire to protect and hold her meant, it was more than I'd ever felt for anyone before.
But how could my world ever be fair to her?
A timid knock came on the front door later that afternoon. Bethany had picked Ava up from the bus stop and taken her home while I disappeared into a second nap. It restored a bit more humanity to my life, and another bowl of soup sank into my belly and stayed there. When I opened the door, I wasn't sure what to expect.
Serafina stood on the porch with a crock of food in her hand. The sweet gesture knifed through me. Of course, she brought even more comfort and nourishment into my life. A car pulled away from the driveway, but I couldn't see who waited inside. Dagny had dropped her off, likely.
“This is kind of hot,” she said, her gaze hidden behind aviators and her usual bouncing hair. “Can I go set it down?”
Too late, I realized I'd been awkwardly standing there, holding the door open. I startled and stepped back with a wave of my arm.
“Of course. Sorry.”
An awkward tension followed us inside the house as I closed the door and she slipped into the kitchen. The warm smell of beef, potatoes, and fresh bread followed. My mouth watered. Had she brought homemade bread and beef stew? I sincerely hoped so, even while it frustrated me.
Why did she have to be so good?
Part of me hoped that she'd realized just how much she did in this situation. How little she gave received for what she gave. I wanted her to stand up for herself, the way that I never did to Sadie.
Instead of telling her all that, I followed her into the kitchen like a lost puppy.
Her flip flops slipped their way over the floor and her hair bounced behind her as she walked. The smell of coffee followed gently in her wake, as if the coffee shop permeated her life so deeply.
“It's beef stew,” she said. Her voice had a higher pitch to it, like she was holding something back. She puttered her way around my kitchen expertly, probably because she'd organized most of it, and all without looking my way once. “There are some homemade rolls and I wasn't sure if you had butter so I—”
I trapped her wrist with my hand, stopping her. She paused but didn't look at me. Even without the full power of her eyes, I could see exhaustion in her. Fatigue drove the slow blinks of her eyes. The weariness in her low shoulders.
“Sera, we need to talk.”
A thousand other words wanted to rush out of my mouth right then.Stay with me. Marry me. Be mine forever.No, I couldn't go down that path. I may have been a selfish bastard in the past, but I wouldn't be now. Not for Sera, because Sera mattered. I would not become Sadie to her. Suck the soul and life out of her, then leave her a bitter, hollow shell.
Something in her slumped shoulders told me things weren't good. Did she already know that something was wrong? I hadn't exactly been communicating, but I'd also wanted to die from vomiting my bowels out. I released her when her skin burned against mine.
She bit her bottom lip and said, “Sure.”
Suddenly, I felt like I had too many hands and didn't know what to do with them. With a helpless gesture, I motioned to the couch. “Let's talk in here. I just had some of the other soup so I'll save this for later. Thank you again.”
The formal tension between us could have thickened the air until I couldn't breathe. I pointedly ignored it and led the way. She shuffled behind, but her footsteps were uncertain. When I sat on the couch and angled toward her, forearms on my knees, she followed. Her aviators came off and tucked her hair around her face, revealing uncertain eyes.
I swallowed. All my planned words had suddenly fled and what came out was the result of pure fear.
“I don't think I'm good for you.”
Her brow crinkled. While I tried to gather air back into my lungs to explain, her mouth dropped open.
“What?” she croaked.
Agitated already, I rubbed the back of my neck and leapt to my feet. She stayed on the couch, appearing small, her head tilted back to watch me pace.
“You do so much for us, Sera, and I don't really give you anything in return. I'm afraid that if we let things go any farther, you're just going to hate me in the end.”
Saying the words felt like a cascade of relief. At the same time, my world seemed to have paused. Several moments passed again before she was able to pull words together. When she responded, it was a whisper.
“I could never hate you, Ben.”
I scoffed. “You can, I promise. Sadie did, even though things were so good in the beginning. It seemed like the issues that destroyed most relationships could never touch us. But everything changed. We're not even, Serafina. You are beyond me. I . . . have Ava.” My voice dropped. “I could never bring to this relationship the same things you do. Could never be as present for you as you are for me.”
